was OK. And then the thought swiftly disappears. I have more urgent things to worry about.
‘Please, God,’ I mutter. ‘I know I’ve failed you many times. But if you are there, please, please help my little boy.’
Thea won’t stop screaming. Sarah flings out a load of rubbish from the bottom of the pram that Liza had left – biscuit wrappers, apple cores, old juice cartons, about three crumpled-up boxes of medicine – but she can’t see any pumped milk there, or in the nappy bag. Sarah tries shushing Thea, but her arms keep giving way, what with all the adrenaline. She begins to feel maternally useless, further adding to her anxiety.
‘Please. Shhh. Shhhh. Please. I’m begging you. Be quiet.’ But Thea’s tiny mouth keeps getting wider, lips quivering as her screams reach their peak.
Sarah can no longer hear the ambulance. The blare of the siren had gone on for what felt like hours. She imagines how Liza felt in the back and she can’t stop thinking about Jack. His small face as he’d been stretchered out. Shhhh. Thea. It’s OK. And then she remembers her earlier promise.
I’ll check on Jack. Don’t worry.
She thinks of Liza again with her at the hospital, after her daughter had been stillborn. How her friend had silently been there for her and now she’s repaid her with this.
‘What the hell,’ Sarah turns to Ella. ‘What the hell do we do? You told Liza I’d checked on him. Why did you do that?’
‘You didn’t object. You didn’t speak up. You could have gone back.’ Ella’s speaking so slowly and calmly. As though nothing has just happened. Like she could be talking about her summer holiday plans. Sarah wants nothing more than to slap her. All of the earlier allure has gone. Vanished into blackness.
And then her feelings turn in on themselves. It’s her. This whole situation is all her fault.
Don’t try and defend yourself. Just admit it, says an inner voice. You’ve caused this by dumping your friend – and her son – in the shit. You’ve repaid your friend’s kindness and loyalty, with this. She wonders if it would make it worse, or better, that she had only made a flimsy attempt at checking on him. That she knew full well that Jack had been halfway up that post. She swiftly decides it makes things ten times worse. Or does it? Besides, it’s too late now. She should have said something at the time. It would look too bad if she admitted it now. But before she knows it, she’s opened her mouth.
‘Listen, Ella. Actually, I did check on Jack. Or rather, I saw him. Outside.’
‘You did? Fine,’ says Ella. ‘See? It’s all OK.’ She looks relieved. As though she, too, is off the hook, her grey eyes almost glittering. Didn’t she for one minute think about Jack? She’s not going to get away with this, Sarah decides. If she tells her the whole story, Ella becomes complicit.
‘I did. But.’ Ella’s stopped listening now. She’s pulling a thread from the bottom of her T-shirt with much concentration, like she knows there’s more coming; a petulant child with its hand over their ears. ‘Listen. Are you listening?’
‘Hmmm hmmm.’
‘I saw him up that post.’ Sarah takes a step towards Ella. ‘Did you hear me? I saw him. He was halfway up. It looked like he was coming down. Or at least I thought he might have been. I don’t know … I meant to shout out to him. To get down. But then you …’
‘Me?’ Ella’s chin sets forward. ‘You what? You aren’t actually trying to blame me here, are you?’
Sarah feels the energy around her change into something dangerous. ‘No,’ she takes a step back. ‘No. I just, that’s what happened. Should I tell Liza?’
She thinks she should perhaps relinquish some of the power back to Ella and diffuse the situation before matters get much worse. After all, that’s what Ella wants. Girls like her are all the same, she thinks. Or women. They’re women now. Grown-ups. Oh God. Look at everyone here, playing grown-ups, not knowing what the hell they’re doing most of the time. And now this has happened.
‘No. Don’t say anything. There’s no need. Why did you tell me that?’
‘Because …’
‘Because you wanted me to carry half the burden of guilt? Am I right?’ Sarah gives a half nod. This is the most she’s heard Ella speak in one go.
‘Look, Sarah. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it’s that you can’t change things. It won’t help if Liza knows. Will it? It won’t change things. It still happened. It still would have happened. And Liza’s strong.’
Sarah listens intently. Ella’s right. In a way. But she should do the morally correct thing. And how dare Ella presume she knows what’s best for Liza.
‘You don’t know anything about Liza.’ There’s the funny look again. Sarah ignores it. ‘Listen. Ella, I don’t even know why we are having this conversation. We just need to focus here on Jack. On Liza. Making sure they’re both OK. All right? I don’t really care about anything else.’
‘Fine,’ Ella says. ‘But do what I say. Just keep quiet, OK? Things will be much worse if you don’t. You’re just being selfish,’ she carries on. ‘Wanting to take away your own guilt. It doesn’t serve anyone. Least of all Liza. So just stick to your story and all will be fine.’
At the mention of Liza’s name, Sarah pulls out her phone. No new messages. And then she wonders if she should ring Gav.
‘Anyway,’ says Ella. ‘It’s time. We need to get the others.’ Oh God. Casper. Sarah hasn’t even thought about her little boy.
‘You go.’ Sarah turns Thea around so she’s facing outwards. ‘Get Felix. Then get Casper. He’s in the tennis lessons on court three.’ She feels too shaken up to move anywhere. She doesn’t think her legs will carry her just yet. And besides, she needs a few moments alone. ‘If they ask where I am, tell them that it was my friend,’ she motions towards the playground, ‘back there. Password for pick-up is Leo.’ She thinks of Casper’s lion comforter and wants to cry. ‘And after that, the kids can get a snack.’
‘OK.’ Ella walks off, sashaying from side to side. She has that unselfconscious walk of someone totally confident with their own body. Then Sarah wonders why she is even thinking of such a thing at a time like this, and what that says about her. Has she been so conditioned to be so damn … judgemental? Or is her mind just distracting itself from the god-awful thing she’s just done? She rubs her stomach, trying to make the bottomless sensation disappear, but the thought of Jack and Liza’s faces keeps looming in her mind’s eye.
She sits and waits, checking her phone every five seconds. She thinks back to what she’d seen on Ella’s screen, moments before. How she wishes that right about now everything had been different. If only she could relive the last twenty minutes. If things had gone according to plan, she’d be WhatsApping Liza under the table right about now, as they sat drinking coffee.
Just wait until you find out what I’ve got to tell you when she’s gone!
She tells herself that Jack is going to be OK. That he’s alive. But what if things never go back to normal? What if Jack never goes back to normal? What if he never walks again? What would she do then? She clenches her hands together, trying to rid them of the onset of pins and needles. How would Liza and Gav cope? Not just emotionally, but financially too? It would be a daily reminder of what she’d done. All her fault.
Just as she thinks she can’t take the not knowing much longer, Ella arrives back in sight, with Wolf in her arms and Felix and Casper on either side of her. Felix looks like something from a Boden catalogue, all neat and clean blond hair swept to one side. He’s wearing brown leather hi-tops,