he get this present clerk stitched to his sleeve, Mr. Jobson,” said Diana; “would not that do as well? And pray, how does Farmer Rutledge, Mr. Jobson? I hope you found him able to sign, seal, and deliver?”
This question seemed greatly to increase the wrath of the man of law. He looked at Miss Vernon with such an air of spite and resentment, as laid me under a strong temptation to knock him off his horse with the butt-end of my whip, which I only suppressed in consideration of his insignificance.
“Farmer Rutledge, ma’am?” said the clerk, as soon as his indignation permitted him to articulate, “Farmer Rutledge is in as handsome enjoyment of his health as you are — it’s all a bam, ma’am — all a bamboozle and a bite, that affair of his illness; and if you did not know as much before, you know it now, ma’am.”
“La you there now!” replied Miss Vernon, with an affectation of extreme and simple wonder, “sure you don’t say so, Mr. Jobson?”
“But I do say so, ma’am,” rejoined the incensed scribe; “and moreover I say, that the old miserly clod-breaker called me pettifogger — pettifogger, ma’am — and said I came to hunt for a job, ma’am — which I have no more right to have said to me than any other gentleman of my profession, ma’am — especially as I am clerk to the peace, having and holding said office under Trigesimo Septimo Henrici Octavi and Primo Gulielmi, the first of King William, ma’am, of glorious and immortal memory — our immortal deliverer from papists and pretenders, and wooden shoes and warming pans, Miss Vernon.”
“Sad things, these wooden shoes and warming pans,” retorted the young lady, who seemed to take pleasure in augmenting his wrath;—“and it is a comfort you don’t seem to want a warming pan at present, Mr. Jobson. I am afraid Gaffer Rutledge has not confined his incivility to language — Are you sure he did not give you a beating?”
“Beating, ma’am!— no”—(very shortly)—“no man alive shall beat me, I promise you, ma’am.”
“That is according as you happen to merit, sir,” said I: “for your mode of speaking to this young lady is so unbecoming, that, if you do not change your tone, I shall think it worth while to chastise you myself.”
“Chastise, sir? and — me, sir?— Do you know whom you speak to, sir?”
“Yes, sir,” I replied; “you say yourself you are clerk of peace to the county; and Gaffer Rutledge says you are a pettifogger; and in neither capacity are you entitled to be impertinent to a young lady of fashion.”
Miss Vernon laid her hand on my arm, and exclaimed, “Come, Mr. Osbaldistone, I will have no assaults and battery on Mr. Jobson; I am not in sufficient charity with him to permit a single touch of your whip — why, he would live on it for a term at least. Besides, you have already hurt his feelings sufficiently — you have called him impertinent.”
“I don’t value his language, Miss,” said the clerk, somewhat crestfallen: “besides, impertinent is not an actionable word; but pettifogger is slander in the highest degree, and that I will make Gaffer Rutledge know to his cost, and all who maliciously repeat the same, to the breach of the public peace, and the taking away of my private good name.”
“Never mind that, Mr. Jobson,” said Miss Vernon; “you know, where there is nothing, your own law allows that the king himself must lose his rights; and for the taking away of your good name, I pity the poor fellow who gets it, and wish you joy of losing it with all my heart.”
“Very well, ma’am — good evening, ma’am — I have no more to say — only there are laws against papists, which it would be well for the land were they better executed. There’s third and fourth Edward VI., of antiphoners, missals, grailes, professionals, manuals, legends, pies, portuasses, and those that have such trinkets in their possession, Miss Vernon — and there’s summoning of papists to take the oaths — and there are popish recusant convicts under the first of his present Majesty — ay, and there are penalties for hearing mass — See twenty-third of Queen Elizabeth, and third James First, chapter twenty-fifth. And there are estates to be registered, and deeds and wills to be enrolled, and double taxes to be made, according to the acts in that case made and provided”—
“See the new edition of the Statutes at Large, published under the careful revision of Joseph Jobson, Gent., Clerk of the Peace,” said Miss Vernon.
“Also, and above all,” continued Jobson,—“for I speak to your warning — you, Diana Vernon, spinstress, not being a femme couverte, and being a convict popish recusant, are bound to repair to your own dwelling, and that by the nearest way, under penalty of being held felon to the king — and diligently to seek for passage at common ferries, and to tarry there but one ebb and flood; and unless you can have it in such places, to walk every day into the water up to the knees, assaying to pass over.”
“A sort of Protestant penance for my Catholic errors, I suppose,” said Miss Vernon, laughing.—“Well, I thank you for the information, Mr. Jobson, and will hie me home as fast as I can, and be a better housekeeper in time coming. Good-night, my dear Mr. Jobson, thou mirror of clerical courtesy.”
“Good-night, ma’am, and remember the law is not to be trifled with.”
And we rode on our separate ways.
“There he goes for a troublesome mischief-making tool,” said Miss Vernon, as she gave a glance after him; it is hard that persons of birth and rank and estate should be subjected to the official impertinence of such a paltry pickthank as that, merely for believing as the whole world believed not much above a hundred years ago — for certainly our Catholic Faith has the advantage of antiquity at least.”
“I was much tempted to have broken the rascal’s head,” I replied.
“You would have acted very like a hasty young man,” said Miss Vernon; “and yet, had my own hand been an ounce heavier than it is, I think I should have laid its weight upon him. Well, it does not signify complaining, but there are three things for which I am much to be pitied, if any one thought it worth while to waste any compassion upon me.”
“And what are these three things, Miss Vernon, may I ask?”
“Will you promise me your deepest sympathy, if I tell you?”
“Certainly;— can you doubt it?” I replied, closing my horse nearer to hers as I spoke, with an expression of interest which I did not attempt to disguise.
“Well, it is very seducing to be pitied, after all; so here are my three grievances: In the first place, I am a girl, and not a young fellow, and would be shut up in a mad-house if I did half the things that I have a mind to;— and that, if I had your happy prerogative of acting as you list, would make all the world mad with imitating and applauding me.”
“I can’t quite afford you the sympathy you expect upon this score,” I replied; “the misfortune is so general, that it belongs to one half of the species; and the other half”—
“Are so much better cared for, that they are jealous of their prerogatives,” interrupted Miss Vernon —“I forgot you were a party interested. Nay,” she said, as I was going to speak, “that soft smile is intended to be the preface of a very pretty compliment respecting the peculiar advantages which Die Vernon’s friends and kinsmen enjoy, by her being born one of their Helots; but spare me the utterance, my good friend, and let us try whether we shall agree better on the second count of my indictment against fortune, as that quill-driving puppy would call it. I belong to an oppressed sect and antiquated religion, and, instead of getting credit for my devotion, as is due to all good girls beside, my kind friend, Justice Inglewood, may send me to the house of correction, merely for worshipping God in the way of my ancestors, and say, as old Pembroke did to the Abbess of Wilton,38 when he usurped her convent and establishment, ‘Go spin, you jade,— Go spin.’”
“This is not a cureless evil,” said I gravely. “Consult some of our learned divines, or consult your own excellent