similar to the feelings the N has about his “false” self. His “real” self was so repulsive to him that he created a wonderful version of himself to be admired and loved by all. The feelings he received when others accepted him as the new and improved self were the actual “high” feelings obtained from his supply. When he convinced his partner that she was the special woman of his dreams, she, too, got to experience the “high” of believing in a special self. To accept that her partner didn’t really believe those things about her meant she would have to give up the belief that she was “the one,” and she would lose that special status. The pain that comes from having to let that “special” self go is overwhelming. That is why the N is at the mercy of his disorder and one of the reasons his partner is reluctant to let go. If his current partner begins to see through the façade he has so carefully created for himself, the “false” self is threatened. He no longer feels as if his partner is reflecting the image he wished to portray. In that case, he needs to find new supply to mirror his “false” self before reality sets in and causes him to dwell on the possibility that he isn’t special, after all. If an N is forced to dwell on that possibility for too long, he often experiences depression.
When the victim of an N feels the special image his partner helped create for him being threatened, he often resorts to denial in order to hang on to his own “false self.” He would much rather believe that he is the special person she made him out to be and that she is just a normal woman dealing with stress that causes her to behave inappropriately, than to believe that he could have been “narcissisized.”
This is one of the reasons that victims of N’s find it difficult to adhere to the “No Contact” rule. They don’t see themselves as mere objects for the N. They are still clinging to the belief that they were special to the N at one time and that their N will soon get past whatever is causing her to stray and once again find refuge in their ideal relationship.
Unfortunately, the N doesn’t see her supply as “special.” Partners of N’s are only tools she uses to buffer her feelings of guilt, anxiety and shame acquired during her childhood from her parents or other such caregivers. Once the tools are of no use to the N, she simply discards them and searches for something more useful. She doesn’t desire to be loved by her supply; would someone want her car to adore her? Instead, she extracts adoration, praise, fear, admiration, and any worthwhile supply until she feels it is depleted. Then she obtains a fresh supply.
Think about it. Wasn’t the beginning of your relationship almost like a fairytale? Your N made you feel so significant. He even convinced you that you two were made for each other. You had so many things in common with him. And wasn’t it uncanny how none of the other women in his past measured up to you? You began to realize just how special you really were. Perhaps you were meant to be together. Buying into the idealization phase is a rush. Once we allow ourselves to feel as if we have rescued someone from a long and difficult journey, there is no turning back. We want to be that savior. We want ours to be the best relationship or the most important time in his life. Accepting that we have been “narcissized” means denying our special status. We tend to grow accustomed to that special side of ourselves. Why would we give that up without a fight?
The reality is that we really are special. We have all of those traits that initially drew the N to us, but he exaggerated them during the idealization phase of our relationship and we also eventually found ourselves believing in the idealizations. The malignant power the N seems to have over his victim distorts reality. This is why the victim of an N may find herself being talked into reconciliation even though something tells her it isn’t right. This is one reason the “No Contact” rule is so important.
One of the reasons therapists encourage victims of N’s to abide by the “No Contact” rule is that any type of attention…anger, fear, sadness, happiness, is considered equal as supply to the N. When an N is in-between supply, she may consider going back to her OS (old supply) to get a “quick fix.” If he accepts her back, she will remain with him until she lines up new supply. If he expresses anger or tries to explain to her why he isn’t going to take her back, he is still giving her supply.
The fact that he could evoke anger in her reinforces his belief in his control over others and his power of existence. The best way to handle an N when he comes sniffing back around for supply is to ignore him completely. That is the only weapon against narcissism. N’s thrive on attention, whether it is positive or negative. It reminds them that they exist and that others notice them. When N’s are ignored, their very existence is threatened. Although it is sometimes hard to ignore the phone calls, block the emails and send back the unopened gifts or letters, you now know it is the only way to begin the healing process. By abstaining from contact you are showing your ex-partner that he no longer has control over you. The only reason he will continue to come back and dip into old supply is if you reveal your vulnerabilities or weaknesses in those areas. When he sees your strengths and realizes you are serious, he will move onto easier supply and you will finally be free of your N.
How do you think Linda handled Robert after he devalued and discarded her twice? We’ll soon discuss in detail exactly what she did. But first take some time to evaluate your own situation and process more of this information.
QUIZ # 2
Degrees of Narcissism
Rate the level of Narcissism you feel your partner possesses on a scale of one through four.
4 = Often
3 = On occasion
2 = Rarely
1 = Never
____ Very competitive
____ Manipulative
____ Misleads and lies
____ Insensitive to your feelings
____ Controls you
____ Envious
____ Needs to be the center of attention
____ Demeaning
____ Self-Absorbed
____ Easily angered when confronted
____ Indirectly looks for attention
____ Feels their needs take priority over yours
____ Critical of your friends
____ Careless and impulsive
Total _______
Add your score total. Scores should range anywhere from 14 through 56. A total score between 43 and 56 reflects that your partner has excessive narcissistic qualities. A score between 29 and 42 indicates that your partner has a high amount of narcissistic traits. A score between 14 and 28 illustrates that your partner has a limited amount of narcissistic characteristics.
Chapter 4
The Truth Can Set You Free
As time passed, Linda began to understand she was much better off being alone than being with someone who constantly criticized and made her feel so negatively about herself. Nevertheless, she could not get past the nagging feeling of missing Robert. Sex had been amazing with him and she had attributed that to the fact that they were meant for each other. Night after night, she sat alone in her bedroom trying to convince herself that she did not miss him and was not longing for his touch…but she did. Images of Robert touching his new partner kept flashing through her mind, giving her gut a mocking twist.
Throwing herself into caring for her daughter and her work, Linda managed to keep her mind busy during the day; as the months wore on she actually began to wake most mornings without feeling tearful and depressed. After work one day she accepted an invitation to go out for a drink with Carrie and a few other colleagues. And that decision changed her life forever.
Carrie had worked with Linda for years, though they had hardly