then?’
‘The judge promised to show me the incriminating evidence and discuss it with me. But when I resumed eating, nothing happened. Now I’ve been sentenced to 14 years, but where’s the evidence? To uphold the Party’s name, I didn’t appeal or even try to defend myself. ‘‘My heart is at ease but reason has not prevailed’’ – that was the best way of putting it!’
I started to think back on my own experience, the torment caused by never-ending demands that I confess. A brief moment of pain seemed preferable to protracted pain. Death would put an end to my troubles. I forget how many times I approached the hard corner of the rosewood table, but each time my heart softened when I thought of mother and our children.
‘Let’s not talk about it. As long as we live together, nothing can defeat us. We must treasure what is left of our lives. I will make life worth living, so you can work.’
‘Do you know what I’ve been thinking all these years? I used to think that when I was released I would ask you for five yuan and go to Tanggu in Tianjin. The boundless sea would be my final resting place.’
We fell into each other’s arms weeping.
We spent the night crying and laughing.
I woke at six when our son went to fetch the water flask. Later, he crept out with his bike. I was pleased he was so sensible.
When Director Wu returned that afternoon, the child was at home and the Director had a chat with him. Perhaps it was to help him put his relations with his father on a good footing. Before leaving, the Director said, ‘I hope you have a happy New Year at home. The offices don’t reopen until the third. Then we’ll organise some visits for you. You can see how much progress the country has made over the last few years!’
‘The Ten Great Monuments are wonderful,’ I chipped in.
‘Yes, we’ll see everything.’
The winter holidays started, and our elder son returned from Xi’an. I had written to him about his father, so his visit was not unexpected. However, the sight of him shocked me. He had hurt his leg at work and they had only just removed the plaster, so he walked with a limp. He said, ‘I decided not to tell you, so you wouldn’t rush up to Xi’an. Dad needed you more.’
Perhaps Director Wu knew my elder son had come home, for he too turned up. It was partly to discuss the visits with us, but the main reason was to talk with our son.
Apart from rushing around preparing meals, I also had to keep an eye on F. The children seemed reasonable and not as ‘leftist’ as I had feared. Xiaoshan dragged his father off to play chess. Xiaogu talked with him about the domestic and the international situation and about university. Even though F had been locked up for ten years, he still managed to express some opinions. But about his son’s future he felt nothing but regret.
‘If it hadn’t been for me, you could have studied abroad.’
‘So what? I can hear lectures by Soviet experts. No one has obstructed my career. I’ve been promoted to a lectureship.’
On lunar New Year’s Eve, when families get together for dinner, I prepared a rich assortment of food and drink, and our daughter hurried over from the home of her husband’s family. I suggested we each talk about our innermost thoughts and feelings. I was hoping the alcohol would loosen our tongues, so we would get to know what was on each other’s minds.
Sadly, the children remained ill at ease. F told his daughter to go to the bookcase and find Lu Xun’s translation of Arishima Takeo’s ‘To Young People’. He read:
‘I have loved you, and I always will. It’s not because I expect to get any reward from you as your father, that’s not why I say I love you. My sole request is that you accept my gratitude. By the time I have raised you to adulthood, I may well be dead; or perhaps I will still be alive and working hard; or in my dotage. Whatever the case, I am not the one you have to help. You cannot waste your fresh energy on my generation. It would be better if, like lion cubs, you endeavoured to build up your strength by eating the flesh of your dead kin, entered into the stream of life, and tried to shake off your memories of me.’
The room fell quiet. Again, father spoke, in his calm, dignified voice. ‘That’s how I feel. I want to give you my body and mind. You are young lions. You are strong and animated. You can leave me – then I will be at peace.’ Everyone felt the grief contained in those few words. Xiaofeng said, ‘The last tram will soon leave, I must go.’ That broke the silence. We got up to see her off. Afterwards, I blamed him for affecting the children with Arishima Takeo’s despair. He said, ‘Xiaogu suffered a lot because of me. They thought it would convince me. It’s been a burden for him, he’s in the Party. I want to be the victim. Let them step across me and go their own ways. They have the Party to lead them, they can be happy. When I see how sincerely they heed the Party, I will no longer worry.’
* A writer and friend of Hu Feng’s.
Visiting in Beijing, Heart of the Ancestral Country
Visiting Wangfujing shopping street, Beijing Hotel and Dongan Market after ten years’ absence, F had the feeling he knew them but didn’t know them. I took him to a department store to buy a woollen overcoat. Navy blue with a velvet lining and a good fit, just 200 yuan. I decided to buy it. He stopped me, saying it was too expensive and he didn’t need one. I said, ‘You’ve never worn nice clothes. You always bought old suits and old overcoats. This time, you will dress presentably.’
He wore the new coat when Comrade Huang took us to the Great Hall of the People, and looked quite imposing as he stood outside the magnificent building. The assistant, a young girl, seemed enthusiastic and even respectful. How was she to know that F was still serving his sentence?
The girl’s voice, posture and gait made me think of a person lightly dancing, filled with the beauty of youth. I thought, the assistants in the Great Hall of the People are bound to be out of the ordinary. After all, not just anyone could enter the Great Hall of the People. I had only seen it on a news documentary. I was delighted F could go there in person.
I had heard the dome at the Great Hall of the People was designed in the shape of a sunflower. Unfortunately not all the lights were on, to save electricity, but although we saw only the sunflower and not the sun, we were satisfied.
Treading that thick red carpet leading to the Great Hall, I noticed with what solemn steps Hu Feng walked, striding along like the master of the building. I have a vivid recollection of how joyful and jubilant he was at the First Session of the National People’s Congress. The silly thing is, he thought he was a representative of the people and ought to speak for the people, so he submitted his 300,000-word proposal to the Central Committee and was branded a counter-revolutionary. There’s no medicine to cure regret. But Hu Feng did not blame and censure himself on this account, nor did he repent.
One can gauge his feelings at the time from something he wrote after his return home:
I walked solemnly up the steps of the Great Hall of the People and through the main entrance and into the Great Hall.
I felt it was tall, big, firm, heavy, strong, solid, thick, fixed.
As I advanced, my steps soared.
I felt harmony, composure, balance, unity, dignity, radiance,
I was at the centre, touching the firmament, reaching the remotest areas;
I felt the centre governing the parts.
I felt the parts bowing to the centre.
I felt a massive image towering before me, all around me;
the image of revolutionary political power;
the image of the ancestral homeland;
the image of the