all walk each and every day with the understanding that we only have today. We do not have to do everything perfectly today, as that is impossible to do. But we need to participate in the process, and sometimes we just need to suit up and show up. If you are reading this chapter today, then you have done that, and that is something to be proud of.
In recovery we often hear “one day at a time,” but when trauma and victimization come into our lives it often feels like we can only make it one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time. That is also true of early recovery—it can be a minute-by-minute struggle, and this is no different. If you can make it through the next couple of minutes that it takes to get to the end of this page, then you have done something important for yourself.
Your life has changed. Everything is different today. Everyone you once trusted has become suspect. Every certainty about the world and your existence in it is being challenged. But here is what you do know today: you are alive, you are in recovery, and you are not alone.
There is nothing in your life today
that a drink or drug or your
addictive behavior of choice won’t
make ten times worse.
Be gentle with yourself. Just as your journey in recovery from addiction holds no timeline but your own, the same applies for your healing from this trauma. No one can speed up this process for you, and no one has the right to dictate your course of action. It probably feels like there is no one around who can understand or relate to your pain. In some ways you are correct—your feelings and emotions associated with this experience are unique to you. But the important thing to know is that you don’t need to feel alone. While others may not be able to fully understand the depth of your grief or pain, there are many people around you who are willing to be there for you to lend a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, arms to surround you with a hug, and a smile to give you hope. Find these people in your life.
They will become your greatest assets in the upcoming days, months, and years. They may come in unlikely forms. You may feel there is no one in your family or group of friends who can offer this, and if that is the case, look outside your immediate support system. There are victim advocates in your community who are willing and able to provide this assistance to you. If no one has reached out to you already, please find someone. Almost every town, county, or city has victim advocates or coordinators. Check your local phone directory, search online, or call your local police department to find out where they are. Chapter Eight will go into detail about what a victim advocate is and what he or she can offer you during your time in the criminal justice system. It is crucial that you have people you can call.
Right now your entire life lens has been shattered. Think of yourself before the crime. You had a clear vision of what your life looked like, and you were comfortable with that vision. Since the crime occurred it may feel like someone took your glasses off, shattered the lenses, and then put them back on your face. Now your vision is blurry and distorted, and nothing looks the same around you. This is a very normal response to a very abnormal event that has occurred in your life. Your world and your view of it have been altered. It will take time to pick up those pieces and put them back together. Your vision may be blurry for a while, but at some point, I can promise you, you will see clearly again. You will recognize the world again. It will just take time, and it will be a different world and a different view.
To do this you will need tools. Just as with the rebuilding of anything, be it a house, a car, or a community, you need the right tools to get the job done.
EXERCISE
Think about what it is you need to begin to heal. In order to know what you need, it is important to first identify how you feel. Try to identify what you are feeling right now. It is okay if you do not know exactly how you feel; just begin by writing whatever comes up for you in this moment. Use a separate journal or notebook, or if you do not have one, grab a piece of paper and begin writing.
Close your eyes and take ten long, deep breaths. Try to quiet your mind as you focus solely on your breathing—breathing in deeply through the nose, filling your lungs to capacity, and then blowing all that stale air out through your mouth and into the universe. Once you have completed ten of these, try to articulate on paper your answers to these questions:
1. What would help you right now?
2. What is the one thing you could use that would make you feel better?
3. What would help you sleep, breathe easier, smile?
It is okay if you left some questions blank or if your answers are filled with negative thoughts, such as “I could use a drink.” I want you to be as honest as you possibly can in these exercises. It is natural for those of us in recovery to want to engage in addictive behaviors when bad things happen. Heck, it was normal for us to want to engage in our addictive behaviors when good things happened, so why wouldn’t we look to those things we once used in order to help us through something terrible? As addicts, this is part of our reality and our process. However, today we do not have to give in to the negative thoughts and the old behaviors that led us to pain, remorse, and destruction in our lives. Today we have a choice. In our active addiction it was our knee-jerk reaction to reach for something outside of ourselves to help us deal with what was going on inside of us. Usually those things were not beneficial to our recovery or our lives.
Recovery is a learned set of
behaviors, and like any behavior or
habit, we must practice it in order
to keep it functioning properly.
Think of your recovery as a muscle; you need to flex it often to keep it in shape. The great thing about muscles is that they have amazing memory, so if you haven’t flexed your muscle in a while, that is okay, because as soon as you do it will remember and work with you quickly.
Our secrets will keep us sick. We must expose our deepest and darkest thoughts and feelings or they will harm us. This is your safe space to do that. Let it out. Use your journal now to expose those thoughts. The very act of taking them from inside of you and putting them out in writing in front of you is an extremely brave and powerful act. If you cannot list them all now, you can leave blank spaces to fill in at a later time if you need to.
Building your support system “When I received the news that my son had been murdered, I immediately thought of a drink. I just wanted to numb the pain. Thankfully, I had a support system around me to remind me that a drink would only make it worse.”
You cannot do this alone. No one can. It is vital for you to begin to build a support system around you during this time. You will need people to call and talk to for emotional support. You will also need guidance as you walk through the criminal justice system. Victim advocates and victim assistance coordinators are available to walk you through this process.
EXERCISE
Think of the people in your life who you can call right now for help. These can include a pastor, a friend, a family member, a teacher, a police officer, an advocate—anyone you feel comfortable talking to. Take a moment now to make a list of those you already know you can call. List their names, relationships to you, and ways to contact them, such as email addresses and phone numbers. Additionally, list exactly what each person can offer you. Can he or she provide facts, emotional support, a solid listening ear, good advice?
The following table contains suggestions for you to consider when building your support system. You may have already listed some of these, and if so, great—you are beginning to understand what it takes to start healing. If you didn’t have these listed, that is okay too. You cannot be expected to know what you need or want right now. Remember to be gentle with yourself.
| Emotional support | Someone who can hug you, listen to you, and give you a shoulder to cry on. Someone you can call at any hour of the night or day and who will be there to offer support. |
|
Guidance
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