Matt Haig

Father Christmas and Me


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up crashing into the school.

      ‘You will then gently rise into the air,’ said Kip. ‘Lean back in your seat and don’t let go of the reins. Once you are airborne it is simple. A gentle pull of the reins to the right to move right and left for left. Do you understand?’

      ‘Yes,’ said all the elves eagerly.

      ‘Amelia,’ shouted Kip, ‘do you hear me?’

      I nodded.

      ‘Right, good. So, now, there is one big rule,’ said Kip. ‘When you are flying, make sure you only fly above Elfhelm in circles. Do not go near Very Big Mountain and you must never head over the Wooded Hills. This is very important.’

      I nodded and then I heard a soft miaowing. I looked down and saw Captain Soot’s green eyes staring up at me. I saw his little footsteps in the deep snow. I couldn’t believe it.

      ‘I told you to stay in the house,’ I whispered. ‘Go back home. You shouldn’t be here. Cats aren’t allowed.’

      Captain Soot ignored me and jumped into the sleigh.

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      ‘No! Get out of here. Get out. Go home. You can’t be here, Captain, you’ll get me into—

      ‘Is anything the matter, Amelia?’ Kip had noticed I was acting a bit strange, and now all the elves were staring straight at me.

      There was no way I was going to tell them the truth. I’d be in trouble and Kip would use it as an excuse to make me miss the lesson and then I would be made to feel even more like a tall weird human who was rubbish at everything. This was my one chance to show them there was one thing I wasn’t rubbish at – sleigh riding.

      ‘No, nothing’s the matter. Nothing at all.’

      Kip stared at me suspiciously for a little longer.

      ‘Good. Then get hold of your reins. We are about to start.’

      There was no feeling like it.

      Being up in the sky, with Elfhelm far below, the air blasting into my face, and Blitzen galloping in front, pulling the sleigh, his hooves landing on nothing at all.

      Everything was going perfectly well. Kip was far below with a large red-and-white striped shouting cone – as elves called it – barking up instructions.

      ‘Very good, Shortcrust! Tighter on the reins, Twinkle! Slow down, Snowflake! That’s it, Amelia! Well done!’

      I couldn’t believe it. This was amazing. Kip had given me a compliment. He thought I was doing well. And that was because I was doing well, and now all the elves on their sleighs were turning to have a look at me as we soared in circuits in the sky.

      I had good control of the reins. Blitzen was relaxed and galloping without much effort. The Barometer of Hope was holding steady around the ‘Really Quite Hopeful’ mark.

      I looked down below and saw the school, and the Toy Workshop, and the village hall. I think I saw Father Christmas and Mary, holding hands, as they walked along the Street of Seven Curves.

      I kept on.

      ‘Good boy, Blitzen,’ I said. ‘Keep going.’

      ‘One more time around!’ Kip shouted. ‘Then everyone is going to land on the runway. Pull the reins low, please. One by one. Starting with Shortcrust and Dancer . . . Okay? One more time around!’

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      It was going so well I was smiling – laughing almost. My life had once been a miserable human one, trapped in a workhouse from morning until night, but here I was in a magical land full of elves and wonder and flying a sleigh. Yes, so I had found some of the subjects at school a bit hard, but things were going to get better now.

      ‘Wow!’ said Snowflake, as Blitzen and I overtook him. ‘You’re amazing!’

      And then Dasher galloped through the air beside me, as fast as ever, with Snowflake standing up in her sleigh behind. ‘Wow, Amelia!’ she said. ‘It looks like you’ve found your subject!’

      And as the wind sped through my hair I couldn’t stop myself shouting into the wind, ‘THIS IS BRILLIANT! LIFE IS BRILLIANT! WOO HOO!’ And this was many, many years before anyone had said ‘woo hoo’. I am quite sure I invented it. But, honestly, all I can say is, in that moment everything seemed just right. Perfect, in fact.

      But then . . .

      Captain Soot, who had been lying snugly beside my feet, jumped onto my lap.

      ‘No, Captain, keep down. It’s dangerous up here. We’re very high up.’

      But Captain Soot had never been very good at following instructions. He was a cat, after all.

      I held the reins with one hand and tried to pick up Captain Soot with the other, to place him back down at my feet. Just as I tried to scoop up Captain Soot he jumped onto the front of the sleigh, above the dashboard. And then he began to slide downwards.

      ‘Oh no!’

      Captain Soot’s sharp claws scratched down the front of the Blizzard 360.

      I let go of the reins, stood up and leant forward to grab him. The sleigh began to lose direction a little.

      ‘Amelia! What are you doing?’ shouted Snowflake from behind me.

      There was no time to answer. Captain Soot’s eyes were wide with fear. I quickly grabbed hold of him, but awkwardly as he was so far forwards.

      ‘It’s all right, Captain. I’ve got you.’

      But he wasn’t comforted. The cold wind was blasting so fast over him he panicked even more. Then, something terrible happened.

      Captain Soot, out of sheer fright, nearly half a mile high in the air, jumped out of my arms.

       The Cat and the Reindeer

      img o!’ I screamed.

      The thing is it would have been fine if Captain Soot had jumped backwards into the sleigh. But he didn’t. He jumped in the opposite direction. Forwards. Out of the sleigh. And when I looked over the side of the sleigh I couldn’t see him. He was nowhere.

      And then I spotted him.

      Captain Soot had landed on Blitzen’s back, where he was now clinging on for his life. Blitzen turned his head to see the black furry creature digging its claws into his fur and his eyes widened in horror. He wriggled to try to shake the cat off. I didn’t see much after that because I was flung back, falling into the sleigh and unable to stand up because it was wobbling so much. I tried to catch hold of the reins but the sleigh was tilting so fast – up and down and side to side.

      ‘Blitzen! Calm down! Blitzen! It’s all right! It’s just a cat! Blitzen! BLITZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!’

      Blitzen was now charging at full speed, overtaking even Dasher, and leaving all the other elves and reindeer far behind in the sky.

      I could just about hear Kip’s voice far away, bellowing, ‘Amelia! Amelia! What are you doing? Come back here this instant! Get control of your reindeer now! Amelia! This is your final . . .’

      I could no longer hear Kip. Blitzen was galloping at breakneck speed. The sleigh was now a little bit steadier because Blitzen was travelling in one direction incredibly fast.

      Somehow, with great effort, I managed to get to my feet. Gripping both sides of the sleigh, I looked over and realised to my horror that we were heading straight for the place we were told to avoid – the Wooded Hills.

      I looked