Little Ann's Field of Buttercups. Ann Jacques

to welfare. But I also needed to survive. I lived on baby food. Ben was pretty switched on when it came to what was needed so I had to watch my buying. I doubled the quantities of the food that Sherly was using so he would not get angry. If he ever questioned or antagonised me about it I would tell him, ‘Babies do grow’. He would not dare refuse because he knew I would report him to welfare.

      Sherly soon began teething and getting nappy rash. I tried using ointment on her rash but it gave her no relief. With the baby’s constant crying, Ben got angry and we started to fight. Sometimes Ben would arrive home late and drunk after I had tried to keep his dinner warm in the oven. I’d put it on the table where he would leave it until it went cold, then he would complain. After many nights like this and several arguments I found out he was going home to his mother’s for dinner after going out to the club with his mates. As time passed, our arguments escalated and Ben began hitting me. I felt such hatred for him as I fought back to defend myself. Then he would grin and say things to convince me it was all my fault. Then we would make up. At one stage, I thought I was pregnant again and told him when I thought he was in a pleasant mood. Ben went berserk and deliberately pushed me down the stairs saying, ‘you’re having no child’. Luckily I was not badly hurt, just bruising my ankle. It turned out I was not pregnant, thank God, and knew I would never fall pregnant with such a monster ever again. I knew I had to get out if that abusive relationship because Ben was drinking more heavily and more frequently, and getting more violent towards me. I was so worried and had no one to help me, not even my family. They had shunned me—back then getting pregnant before marriage was considered a crime.

      After months of trauma, I was beginning to get sick of trying to make it work with Ben. The carrying of water up and down the stairs and working in the shop began to tell on me and I was getting more mentally exhausted by the arguments, along with not being able to see anyone. Even if I had the time to see anyone, it meant long bus journeys to the outskirts of town. I had to be there for Ben or I would be in more trouble. Then there were problems with Sherly’s teething. I really needed somebody to help me. I was just seventeen years old and I felt completely powerless and depressed without any idea of how to get out of my situation.

      One evening Ben was so violent I ran to the police station for help. The police told me they were unable to interfere in domestics and I would have to sort out the problems I had with my husband by myself. I was too terrified to go back home to Ben on my own so a police officer escorted me home. When we arrived, Ben had locked me out and Sherly was inside. The policeman was not allowed to force entry so I picked up a brick and smashed the glass door in order to open the Yale lock to the back door. The police officer and I then headed up the stairs. He assured me that I would not get hurt and he would try to calm the situation down.

      Ben was shocked that I had brought a police officer with me and instantly started accusing me of being the cause of our problems in order to make him look good. Of course, I retaliated by arguing back. The police officer obviously saw that our relationship was beyond repair when he told us both that if we couldn’t get along, we should both ‘just call it a day’.

      After that night, Ben became pleasant and we stopped arguing for a while. He definitely had an ulterior motive. Ben had been so mentally and physically cruel to me. He would manipulate everything to be my fault, and at times I believed him. His abuse had worn me down and weakened my self-esteem and self-confidence. I was totally dependent on Ben and all I wanted was a happy family.

      There I was mainly living on baby food and whatever money I could trick Ben into giving me. Then Ben started taking the wireless to work, so I was not able to listen to music or news during the day. He also started tearing up the Leicester Mercury evening newspaper, the one paper I loved, so I could not read it if I had a minute during my chores. Eventually, he started giving me the silent treatment and when I spoke he would ignore me and leave to go to the pub, not even coming home afterwards. I simply did not care, and was even relieved not to have to be watching what I said and did around him. This continued until Sherly was eleven months old. I was so worn down from the baby, house maintenance and my marriage problems. I realised things were not going to get better if I stayed with Ben. I was tired of not eating properly and realised this was not the ideal situation. But there seemed to be no alternative but to just get on with it.