agreed to. The fur trapper was shocked and declined their offer. His reaction upset the family deeply.
In one scene, the distressed wife asked the fur trapper why he had refused her: was it that she was ugly? Neither the husband nor the wife could understand why a close friend would not want to share their life. Contrast this response to what we might normally expect here in the West if a husband came home and found his wife in bed with his best friend! The typical response would be strong negative feelings such as anger, fear, outrage, and betrayal: an example of one stimulus causing opposite reactions. It follows that an event in itself cannot provoke an automatic response; it is always we who choose the response to any situation. This choice of response lies at the heart of forgiveness.
Forgiveness Exercise
For this exercise you will need a sheet of paper and a pen. Divide the sheet into two columns by drawing a line down the middle, and then put a line across the top for two headings, as shown in figure 1.1.
Think of someone you know very well, someone for whom you can list both likes and dislikes. This could be a parent, partner, lover, sister, brother, boss, or friend.
Now write the name of the person you have chosen as part of the following heading in the top left-hand box on your page:
The qualities I like about …name… are:
In the top right hand box, write:
The qualities I dislike about …name… are:
Now write at least four or five qualities you like about this person and four or five you dislike about them in the respective columns.
[If you find you are struggling to get four or five likes and dislikes, add another name to the top boxes and simply continue adding to your lists. The more you write in your columns the more you may learn.]
Spend a few minutes with this exercise and only when you are finished continue reading.
Please do not read any further until you have completed your lists, or you will lessen the impact of this exercise!
Now go back to the top of your lists, cross out the name/s on each side, and
insert your own name instead.
The lists now read as the qualities you like and dislike in yourself. Strange? But true! If you did not possess these qualities yourself, to some degree or another, you would not see them in others.
You may find it difficult to accept some of these qualities depending on the image you have of yourself. For instance, if you have low self-esteem you may find it impossible to believe that all these good qualities are within you. Maybe you find it embarrassing when people appreciate you and will deftly switch the topic of conversation if someone says something complimentary. (If this sounds like you, you can be sure there is hidden guilt waiting to be forgiven. But don’t despair, later on we will look at exercises that can be of help in this process )
In the same way, the negative attributes you see in the other person must also be in yourself; otherwise, you would not be upset about them. Of course, it’s possible to recognise character faults in another without having them yourself. However, in this exercise you need to list the things that really upset you about the other person. If something someone else does upsets you, this is the red flag that is showing you what is unforgiven in yourself.
For most of us, a recognition that something we dislike in someone else is actually something we also possess will be actively resisted, because in our minds we feel sure of two things:
The other person has these particular negative attributes.
and
We want them to change these behaviours to ones we prefer.
That they have these negative attributes may or may not be true, but that is not important. What is important is that on some level you know that what you accuse them of is a reflection of something within you. Take jealousy as an example. Maybe your partner is jealous of your friends and this may mirror your jealousy of those who are wealthier than you. These are simply two different expressions of the same thing.
There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
William Shakespeare, Hamlet II.ii.259
Typically, our conditioning tells us jealousy is wrong, it's bad, and we should not be jealous. Taking on this value judgement, we feel guilty and ashamed and may pretend we do not suffer from it. Or if we do admit we are jealous, then we’ll pacify ourselves that it’s only ‘just a little’. But we know this is not really true, and don't want to face the fact. Consequently, when we see this fault in another we are uncomfortably reminded how – to some degree – we suffer from the same 'sin'.
When biologists want to understand the life and behaviour of some recently discovered animal species they need to do their work with non-judgemental awareness. Whilst watching the new species they may observe all manner of behaviour, including much that is brutal. For instance, perhaps the male of the species has to be prevented by the female from fighting or devouring their offspring. If biologists become upset and judgemental about the observed animal behaviour, they have lost the required detachment to actually record what is happening and may be tempted to analyse or explain behaviour from a human point of view.
In the same way, as we judge the facts of our nature we lose the ability to really see what is happening. We may become preoccupied with guilt at what we observe rather than working with acceptance and self-forgiveness. Instead, we quickly try to sweep it all under the carpet where we desperately hope it will be forgotten.
If we uncover the uncomfortable facts of our nature and resist labeling them as ‘bad’, we do have an opportunity to heal them. Fortunately, opportunities are presented to us daily as we come into contact with people and events that trigger what we have tried to lock away in our unconscious. The people we meet are our potential saviours, showing us – sometimes time and time again – what we have tried to bury in our minds.
Should you observe in another a particular negative behaviour that you either do not possess, or do possess but have forgiven in yourself, then you would not respond with upset, but rather with non-judgemental compassion for the other person. You would simply know that their negative behaviour is caused by fear and that they are doing their best to cope with something they find difficult; their behaviour would not be perceived as an attack upon you, but as a call for your help. They would be allowed to be, and you would be happy and willing to help if asked.
If you extend forgiveness to others, you automatically extend this forgiveness to yourself, too. What you give to others – whether in love or hate – you also give to yourself. Why? Because our actions reinforce the thoughts in our mind. If we act lovingly, we are reminding and reinforcing in ourselves that we are loving. Similarly, to attack another increases the hate and therefore guilt in our mind.
The behaviours in the 'dislike' column may not apply to you in an obvious, direct way. Maybe you listed anger, yet you never get angry with the person whose name you mentioned initially, nor do you consider yourself characteristically 'angry'. But what if you do carry suppressed anger that makes you feel ashamed, and this is what you are being reminded of? Rather than directly expressing your anger back to them, you may withdraw and act remote around this person.
Perhaps you dislike a person drinking alcohol because you virtually never drink. Try to look at your thoughts and feelings when you are in the company of this person. Why does it bother you so that they drink? Are they perhaps drinking to escape from the pain in their life? Do you also seek to escape from the pain in your life but use other means, such as overeating, or excessive viewing of TV or browsing of the Internet?
Take a few minutes to look again at your ‘negative’ column on the list you made earlier.