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In the spring of 1972, I took a job as a system analyst with a mega-company, so we moved to a townhouse complex in New York. The information systems group where I was assigned used archaic technology; consequently, I quickly became a leader of about five people, showing them new concepts and working with data center techniques that were used in my prior job.
I made practical use of software tools they’d had access to for years, but ignored in favor of the old ways. My techniques were established practices around the company so they had been proven reliable. Within weeks, I fixed the glaring problems, discarded the status quo, and began using new ways to get things done. A couple of guys began to follow me, but others weren’t going to risk aligning themselves with my new ideas.
The time and cost savings from my projects earned me a company technology award and a step up the corporate ladder. One particular girl on my team had worked especially hard and deserved half the award, so I suggested they split the award money between us. A few days later, however, I was told that being a manager meant I got all the credit and all the money, which was the reward for being in charge. Their so-called “win-win” approach to managing was the notion that projects with good results were because of good management, and bad results were caused by the team.
Once I heard their management philosophy, I wasn’t sure if I had stepped up – or down, the company ladder. I continued to treat people with respect, rewarded their contributions, and used a team concept to manage projects.
The facility where I worked was a location for training mid-level managers. Graduates received promotions into prestigious positions of high level management. Before the manager promotions, there was a trial period during which the program graduates were field-tested in sites, worldwide. The training was difficult, intense, stressful, and the course work was done in addition to a candidate’s current job.
After about six months on the job, I was called into my manager's office.
“Have a seat, I have something for you,” he said.
From the corner of his desk, he took two textbooks for the first two courses of the management program and handed them to me.
“You have been selected for the management program. These will get you started on the fast track to success,” he said.
“Thanks.” I was flattered but didn’t know what else to say, so I gave him a smile and left his office. On my way out, he told me where to meet with the other people who were starting the program.
“Good luck.” I heard him say, as I turned to leave.
I glanced at the books’ covers on the way to my cube and saw they were both in a business function I didn’t like, which did not whet my appetite in the least. I put the books on my desk, and looked out my window trying to think of my options.
A couple of guys who worked for me stepped into my cube to congratulate me before they offered their unsolicited opinions about the courses, and war stories of how the program psychologically broke people they knew.
Before I left that day, I had already begun to feel the pressure to do well.
On the way home, I convinced myself I was not smart enough to do well but, more importantly, I wondered how much time would be taken from my personal life. By the time I got home, I’d decided I would need to figure a way to get out of the program, and save face.
On one sunny Sunday, a few weeks after I started going to classes, I had the textbooks opened to help me create solutions to some crazy business problem. My friends and family were at the pool, drinking and having fun.
By mid-afternoon I had mentally quit, so I slammed the book shut, got high, grabbed a beer and headed for the pool.
It was a few days before I told my manager that I had quit the program, which threw him into a tirade. He told me that no one had ever quit the program, but I gave him the books anyway, and walked out of his office.
The truth was that I liked software systems and technology, but did not want to be a manager in a part of the business I didn’t like. Even if I had aced all the courses, the reward of lengthy assignments and being without my family, didn’t interest me in the least.
At the time, I felt I had burned that bridge for career advancement, intentionally – and for the right reasons. Or, maybe my addictions had clouded my thinking, sapped my ambition, and allowed my inferiority complex as an excuse for not trying.
But, it was more than that. I felt my management award money should have been split with a team member – and, so I did just that. Again, I was reminded this was not appropriate ‘management’ protocol. Quite possibly, my middleclass work ethic of hard-work-for-good-pay didn’t prepare me for this work world, so I backed away from getting higher level jobs lest I fell deeper into a world I didn’t understand.
For whatever reason, I didn’t want to be in a position that wasn’t comfortable to me without an escape route, should I decide I wanted to leave. Within higher level management, there is no mechanism to go back to a job beneath the one you have, unless you quit the company.
One day, Rachael told me about a mother and wife who lived in the building next to ours in the townhouse development. As it turns out, her husband had been away for the better part of two years on multiple program-graduate assignments, leaving the woman alone with their child. It must have been the loneliness, too many responsibilities or whatever, because she had lost hope that her life would ever get better.
From her desperation, she pinned her daughter’s name to the little girl’s jacket and put her on a flight to her home town. She called her parents to say the girl was coming in, and the flight number. The woman then went to her bathtub and shot herself through the head.
Since that story was told to me, I’d heard a couple of other stories with similar situations and similar results.
For me, family always came first and, at this point in our lives, I needed to enjoy my family as we would never be able to experience this part of our lives, again. I knew that our kids would never be this age again, and felt that other things (like commitment to a job), could be controlled to some extent.
The compliments I would receive recognizing my work helped me to feel secure, while my career progressed at a pace fast enough to satisfy me.
I think I also felt a need to work my way to the top, so I would know how to manage people and systems on the way up. Although my approach to my career was always a quick-study work hard ethic, I felt the need to understand the positions around me, even if a system I implemented eliminated a job. How could I design the future for the job function I didn’t understand?
It came to pass that many managers in the high tech field who had taken the fast pace to the top, were poor designers and project managers because they didn’t understand the user environment, the problems or the possible solutions. Those guys must have had trouble sleeping at night wondering about what they’d done and where to go next.
Skipping big rungs on the ladder would get you to the top faster, but you would lack the required experience that was available on each rung. Sooner or later, one is confronted with the request to explain a knowledge-only question.
While living in suburbia, we had upgraded our living standards, and I was feeling confident with a secure future in my computer career. I knew more about technology than anyone in my IT group and wasn’t afraid of the fallout from dropping out of the program.
Within our townhouse complex, we made new friends with a couple who had originated from Hartford, Connecticut. They lived close to where we lived in our first ground-level apartment.
Larry was the first alcoholic I knew, and he drank nearly every waking moment. He was a technology salesman, so we had a little in common and became close friends. Within the year- and-a half that I lived near him, I had taken on his drinking habits.
I had crossed another line, and was fearful of where it would lead. We drank beer and got high every night during the week. On weekends, we drank beer and then switched to gin around noon.