performers, unless you are a jerk and toss fear into anyone that gets in your way. If you are a decent person, you will get screwed.
Why, you ask? Jealousy! There are many more people out there that are not willing to work hard, than there are out there busting their hump. Early on at McDonalds, a fellow employee got in my face and told me to slow down, that I was making everyone else look bad. I should have taken that advice, but I'm not programmed that way. I've been told I have obsessive compulsive personality traits. Supposedly that's a bad thing, but being aware of it, I look at it as a strength. I channel it toward doing the best I can possibly do; toward being as productive as possible; toward accomplishing everything I can in this life before I croak. I realized a long time ago how short life is and how fast time flies, especially when you stay busy.
I had a doctor that identified my traits. He gave me the name and telephone number of a psychiatrist he suggested I see. Then he said, "If you never see this guy and you ever start your own business, I want in on it."
While I was writing this chapter, nature called. While I was sitting there doing a puzzle and taking care of business, my lady walked by the closed door and teasingly said, "Aren't you done yet. I started after you and I'm done." I said, "I'm relaxing. This is my "me" time. This is as relaxed as I get." She said, "That's for sure."
If I could be like King Solomon and do ten things at a time or however many it was, I would. But I'm just your average everyday obsessive compulsive psycho doing his best to act as normal as possible to try to fit into what is acceptable behavior and actions in today's society. Try saying that ten times real fast.
A swing manager at McDonalds was a crew person doing the job of a manager. While I was working in this capacity and running every night shift, McDonalds established a ratings system for their stores. You could receive an A through F rating in the areas of quality, service and cleanliness. We were the first store to ever receive a triple A rating. Every store I went to after that was not doing very well when I was sent there, but received triple A ratings and increased sales while I was there.
I ran my stores as if the vice president of McDonalds would walk in at any time; and there were times when he actually did. My decisions were based on this perspective. Because of my reputation of my stores always running top notch, our advertising company would come to my store occasionally to film commercials.
The man from the advertising agency that came to produce these commercials was Peter Simmons. He was the agencies front man for McDonalds, a writer, an actor, Ronald McDonald for this area and a standup comedian. When I found out about the comedian part of his background, I had a lot of questions for him.
I was nearing forty years old at this time. I have always been shy to the point of being rude. It was time I found a way to change my programming. My mother died around this time. With her death came a release, a freedom, a mindset that I could do anything I set my mind to. I thought, "What's the best way to beat this shyness dysfunction; the toughest thing I can do, the most pressure I can put on myself, the best way to throw myself into the pit?" The answer came back, "Standup comedy!" Oh, crap!
Peter Simmons entered my life at the right time. I had been writing jokes, but didn't really know how to go about making things happen. It turns out that Peter had taught comedy writing in the past. He had me meet him in a remote McDonald's warehouse in St. Paul. There he looked over what I had written. He knew a lot and gave me the crammed course of a lifetime. He showed me how, by moving words around, the joke would have a bigger impact. He said, "Open with silver, close with gold." Or in other words, start with a great joke and close with your best.
One day he said, "You're ready. Go do it." This was good and bad. With him as my instructor, I knew I had good material and had been coached well on how to present it. Now I had to actually go to an open stage and perform in front of an audience. I had painted myself into a corner in order to make sure I couldn't back out. I had told everyone I was going to do it, so if I didn't do it, I'd look like a bigger fool than if I went up and bombed.
Stevie Ray had an open stage, so I went there. It went well; I received a lot of encouragement and continued doing it. I wound up taking comedy classes and improv classes with Stevie Ray. The improv classes brought me further out of my comfort zone. I entered "The Funniest Person in the Twin Cities" contest at the Acme Comedy Company.
In one of the rounds, I beat out a guy that had been to the finals the previous year. He came up to me and introduced himself. He was in a group called Toastmasters. I knew nothing about it at the time. Turns out it is an organization that has small clubs all over the world where you can go to improve your speaking skills. I felt I had to do things like this as much as possible to keep from regressing. The more I forced myself into uncomfortable situations, the better I became. He invited me to attend a meeting. I did and eventually I joined his club. Whenever he introduced me, he told this story and said, "If you can't beat them, have them join you."
A couple of years later, I was car pooling up to Thunder Bay, Ontario to compete in a Toastmasters humorous speech contest. The guy I was with, Keith Hardy, told me of a club they were trying to get started in Lino Lakes Prison. A man named Ken Kube was heading up the effort and needed help. For some strange reason, people were afraid to go in there. No problem for me. The prison was less than 15 miles from my home. It was an interesting, uniquely rewarding experience. Both the inmates and staff told me they thought I would make a good corrections officer. I was pursuing comedy at the time, so brushed it off.
A few years later, upon returning from touring, primarily the Southwestern United States, pitching myself and my comedy, I returned home. The money I had set aside to use until I made it in the business was all used up. The trany on the van I lived in while I was out on the road was shot. I had promised myself that if I hadn't made it in the comedy biz by the time that money ran out, I would get a normal job. Guess I actually broke that promise, because the job I got would be the furthest thing from normal that I would ever run into.
Upon returning to Lino Lakes Prison to attend the Toastmasters meeting, I was informed that the state was hiring corrections officers. The fact was that they were always hiring corrections officers. It is a high turnover business. When I found out that doing cavity searches wasn't part of the job, I was still reluctant, but considered it. I was 47 years old and had discovered most places did not want to hire anyone that age. There were times I walked into a place, asked for an application and they literally laughed in my face. Lucky for me or unlucky, whatever way you want to look at it, the state could not discriminate against someone because of their age. Before applying, I checked with a few other people on that cavity search thing. Turns out there would be times I would have to be doing what was called at the time, a "strip search," but was changed to being called an "unclothed body search" while I was employed at the prison. We were told this was the politically correct way to state it, the way that was least offensive to the inmates. Heck, the inmates always called it a strip search, before and after the brains from above changed it. I'll explain the strip search procedures when I get to filling you in on the visiting room and shakedown areas. Boy, that's something to look forward to isn't it?
After filling out a job application, there were many more forms to fill out, tests to take and interviews to go through. From the time I applied until I got the job it took about three months.
When the inmates in the Toastmasters Club in Lino Lakes found out that I got hired, they gave me some advice. I always followed that advice because it was the right thing to do, but made my time working in the prison more difficult and more dangerous. They all said, "Enforce the policies. Your job is to enforce every one of the policies all of the time no matter who it is or what the situation. There will be a lot of pressure to try to get you to not enforce the policies, but don't ever let that get to you. Always enforce the policies." I promised them that I would and I did.
FRESH RAW MEAT
I was in Stillwater Prison before I put myself there.
It was sometime in the early 80's when I found myself in Stillwater Prison. I was assigned to go there and execute a job.
I was an engineer at Pan-O-Gold bakery in Minneapolis when the place closed down. It closing down wasn't my fault.