The Hummingbird Effect. Mitzi MacBain

my first 12 step meeting at age 19, started psychotherapy at 20, saw my first psychiatrist/started antidepressants at age 23. I remember when I started antidepressants back in 1986. Depression back then had such a stigma. You didn’t talk about it. It was hush hush. I felt such deep shame about taking medication and always thought if I just worked hard enough in therapy I would eventually not need medication. I had no concept at that time or for many years later that depression was a disorder of the brain and might be something I will always need medication for.

      I may have been diagnosed with Severe ADHD-Hyperactive/Impulsive Type and Major Depression but with the aid of medication, vitamins, minerals, fish oil, amino acids, diet, exercise, and most recently adding Neurotherapy, I feel great!

      All the chronic symptoms I have lived with have dissipated and/or been relieved to the point I barely notice. Freedom from symptoms is so much more than what I ever could have imagined because I just don’t have to focus on it anymore. I now have more time visualizing my future and where I want to go, the things I want to do, and accomplish and nurture my relationships with the people around me that matter in my life.

      I truly believe when you are so busy surviving, you can’t truly focus forward past your own feet. I wasted so much energy. I have always had the analogy that I have been treading water since I was 13 and decided I would commit suicide when it got the point where I could no longer bear living. I realize now 36 years later I accidentally held myself hostage. Making that decision to stop living was so deeply rooted in me. I did just enough to get by. But at the same time, I had very little energy, was extremely sad, frustrated and felt trapped in my life. Those feelings never truly changed even after 30 years of working on myself. Without normalized dopamine/serotonin levels, I never stood a chance to regain my footing without getting chemically treated with Ritalin and then fully healing with all the supplements I added to my daily routine and with the addition of Neurotherapy.

      As far as relationships, I had my first boyfriend at 19. He was such a great first boyfriend. He was funny and doting. He always bought me flowers and wrote me cards. I think that was healing for me as for the first time in my life I had a male figure wanting to spend time with me and wanting to give to me. We stayed together for 2½ years. My next relationship lasted for a year. He also was a sweetheart. A good person who wanted to settle down and have children. I knew that was something I wasn’t capable of. Never mind the fact that I took care of a child from 11-18 there was no way I wanted the responsibility again of a child. I remember when we broke up, he cried. I was so deeply touched by that. In fact, I felt so bad that I didn’t get into another relationship for 12 years. Not just because of the pain I caused but because being in a relationship meant being sexual and I binged even more intensely when I had to be sexual. I spent a TON of time in therapy trying to heal that. What hard work!! Sexual abuse sucks!!

      From 23 to 35, I had a few one night stands, a few six date relationships, a few couple months relationships, but that was about it. Definitely a lot of impulsiveness just jumping into relationships with men. Now that I look at them, they weren’t relationships, but in my mind they were. I really had to work hard to get past my deep rooted rage towards my father. The poor guys I took that out on. I remember one guy, OMG, he was so kind!! The nicer he was to me the angrier I got. In fact, I broke up with him because he was too sweet. That is so unbelievable to me now. But I had too many levels of rage/pain to work through before I would be able to appreciate a “nice guy.”

      The other piece of the puzzle for me has been chronic fear/anxiety. I know for sure it started when I was 11 when my childhood ended and I truly believed I was never safe in that house anymore. If it was there before that, I just don’t remember. I was little and I was so busy with my friends before that there probably wasn’t any time to even think about it.

      All through my life, I have left friendships. I always believed I did that because my mother died when I was 2 and I was incapable of making lasting bonds with people. I also believed it was because of the lack of bonding growing up.

      But today, I just don’t believe that. I think it was both those experiences AND the low levels of dopamine/serotonin that made it so hard to truly love and want to attach to people in a healthy way. I also think my energy overall was desperate. The desperateness was so deep that I had no way of knowing what it truly was. As I sit here now post diagnosis and 8 months into my new life, I think I feel a level of contentment which matches my level of desperateness before. I feel an overall fullness in my body. Before there was such a bottomless pit of emptiness. No matter what I did I could not fill it. What a horrible maddening way to live.