little time to fear being denied, though, as I soon found myself in his room making intimate love with a man for the first time.”
“Well, the story you just told me sounds more like a glorified one-night stand with a fuck buddy.”
“Oh, you’re so silly,” Dwight said as they laughed together. “Not hardly, though. I woke up the next morning nestled against Rafael’s body, my head on his chest and my left arm draped over him, holding him. It was undoubtedly the single most liberating feeling I had ever experienced, far better than the sexual endeavors of the night before. It felt right to be embraced by a man. It did, in fact, feel natural. And I remember looking up at him as he gazed down at me. We loved one another from that point on.”
“Well, I can honestly say I have never had the privilege of meeting a woman and experiencing anything quite like that.”
“You just know when someone is right for you, Ben. We spent the next several years, visiting occasionally, each time growing stronger in our relationship. I loved him, and he loved me. We had stars in our eyes for one another. Rachel never had that for you.”
“Do you think I had that for her?”
“No. She was a prize, not a lover.”
“A prize?”
“Oh please, Ben, you have spent the last ten years worrying about what everyone else thinks of you. The idea of marrying the daughter of the pastor of the holy mother church’s very own Dr. Dan Henson and building a reputation here in that kind of power family… that was golden to you once before.”
“I would not have married for a prize. That’s ridiculous, Dwight.”
“Look, I know you’re an intellectual and an accomplished attorney, okay? But you’ve got about as much common sense when it comes to women as this wall behind me.”
“Oh, go to hell, Dwight,” he said. The comment made Dwight laugh.
“I’ve had too much to drink tonight, three glasses of wine at the reception and I’m on my second glass here, so I’ll just let that little dig slide.” Dwight then looked toward the bar and saw David sitting in his chair behind it. “David, when is the fried cheese coming? I mean, damn, we would like to eat today,” he said, continuing to laugh and carry on.
“You haven’t gotten the fried cheese yet?”
“No,” Dwight said.
David blew air with disgust, then rose from his chair. Both Ben and Dwight knew what was about to happen. Dwight’s remark was made in jest, but David could be an ill-spirited man and was clearly irritated that he had to get up from his chair to whip his staff into shape. He walked to the kitchen door, opened it, and yelled, “Where is the goddamned fried cheese?” Seconds later, the waitress came from the kitchen with the appetizer dish and walked it over to Dwight and Ben.
“I’m so sorry, gentlemen,” she said.
Ben felt sorry for her. Dwight shared the sentiment, and he worried that he should not have made the joke and subjected the young lady to David’s wrath.
“It’s quite all right, don’t worry about it at all,” Ben said to the server before she turned and walked away.
Ben focused his attention back on Dwight.
Dwight took another sip of wine, then leaned in toward Ben and whispered, “David can be a real asshole.”
“You think?”
Dwight started eating the dish.
“Look, I want to know what you meant by what you said?”
“Oh, about Rachel? Yeah, I don’t think you really loved her.”
“I think I did at one point, some kind of love that is. I surely wasn’t ‘in love’, I’ll admit that. But looking back at it… well, the reality is that I think we were just great friends for a while, you know? That was the extent of it. But I don’t really believe she ever loved me either. I mean, she claims she did, and still does for that matter, but I… I just don’t buy it anymore. Nor will I again.”
“So you’re really done with Rachel this time?” he asked.
“Don’t say that too loud, Dwight,” Ben replied. “I don’t want people to hear you. Folks are either going to judge me for ditching the daughter of the great Dr. Dan Henson, or they will judge me for putting up with her shit for this long. They’ll think poorly of me either way.”
Dwight stared at Ben, an expression of disbelief on his face. “Ben, the only reason I’d think poorly of you is if you continued to put up with that shit,” he said. “To be a criminal defense attorney, a profession that really is subjected to ridicule merely for defending people who society pre-determines as guilty regardless of whether they are or not – how have you made it this far being so concerned about what people think of you?”
“My entire reputation has hinged on what I have done in this community and the career I have built,” he replied sharply, “and if it will be torn down, I want it to be torn down by something I have done, not something I have been a victim of.”
“Your reputation is not at risk just because your soon-to-be ex-wife is a slut,” he said in that typically bold, Dwight-like way. “Stop worrying about it and started living your life how you want it to be, not how everyone else wants it to be.”
Ben knew Dwight was right. Anytime anyone suggested to Ben, in some variation, this same advice, Ben always recognized it as true but ultimately refuted it in favor of his old, worrisome ways.
“Hear you loud and clear,” Ben said.
“I do love you, my good friend.”
“Yeah, yeah. I reckon I love you, too.”
It was a big step for Ben to say that aloud, particularly in a public place, but he truly did love Dwight like a brother. Dwight was a good friend to Ben, and despite his pointedness and honesty, Ben cared for him. The bond, nonetheless, was in Ben’s mind tarnished by his unwillingness to be comfortable spending time in the public with a man who identified as gay. He was fine now, but that’s because no one he knew was watching.
Ben wondered what kind of friend he could truly be to Dwight if he was so wrapped up in protecting his own image that he was ashamed to spend time with Dwight in public, to be seen with a gay man in public, or to talk about his personal problems with a friend in fear that others would judge him. He knew it was a ridiculous to feel the way he did, but his nearly unblemished image as a professional with few personal problems had built the reputation of all-American guy that he held onto today. He constantly feared losing his reputation and career, which he felt was the only thing he really possessed anymore that held worth.
But like Dwight’s cruise ship experience, something felt liberating to Ben about telling this gay man, who was a dear friend, that he loved him. It certainly had nothing to do with Ben’s sexuality; he was undeniably a straight man, but the feeling of voicing admiration for a man who regularly received nothing shy of ugly stares and judgement from people who didn’t know him proved redemptive. Dwight meant the world to him, and as sharp as he could be, Ben still knew the man truly cared about him.
“You know, I could be home alone right now,” Ben said. “But I’m not. Thanks for keeping me busy during this time.”
“Keeping you busy? Hell, I figured you were here because you felt sorry for me.”
Ben laughed again.
“Hey, thank you for celebrating with me,” Dwight said.
They both enjoyed the fried cheese until it was all gone. Then they shared stories and reflected on each other’s past, garnering interest from both sides. Dwight had an incredible curiosity about Ben; he possessed an incredible work ethic, showed focus in everything he did, and was perhaps more driven and ambitious than anyone Dwight had ever met. Dwight admired this about Ben since there were so few people in the area who believed