for us to not deal with them gathered more and more dust, but didn’t disappear. It was a bit like telling yourself you’re spring cleaning, but really you’re just shoving shit in cupboards and hoping the doors will hold.
Differences in our personal styles were part of it. I’m a morning person, love the sunrise, and am brightest in the a.m. Andy, on the other hand, is a night owl. 11 p.m. ticks around and he would be just waking up. He’s a photographer, and many latenight hours were spent in his dark room. Whilst I loved the fact that I was married to this creative soul, in my early 30s I was living in the bubble of how perfect relationships are supposed to operate and I hated going to bed on my own.
We had disagreements, sure. No surprises there, as most couples do, but it was the handling of our differences that didn’t fit. When I wanted to talk things through, he withdrew. I wanted to save money for our future; he didn’t see the point. I wanted to fill our weekends with friends and socializing, but he preferred having me to himself. We connected in many areas, for sure (that’s why we were together in the first place, and there were good times – great times!). There are good times in all relationships before they go wrong, but that’s not what this book is about. The fact is that, as many factors as there were that drew us together, there were more that flagged warning signs to tell us this was NOT a match made in heaven.
Should we have married at all? If it hadn’t been for visa reasons, we possibly wouldn’t have. When we met, I’d been back in Australia (after four years overseas) for less than twelve months and Andy was on a tourist visa, which was going to expire. We were in the heady throws of a fledgling love affair that we didn’t want to end, and we took the advice of a friendly immigration lawyer who, after meeting with us, said: “Honestly, guys, if neither of you are opposed to the idea, the cheapest, fastest, and most guaranteed way of being able to stay together in Australia is to just get married.”
(Note to reader: Kids – don’t try this at home. It was the early 90s then, and Australia’s immigration laws have since tightened up… a lot!)
So, we walked out of his office in Bondi Junction, and it pretty much went like this.
Me: “What do you reckon?”
Him: “Oh yeah, I’m okay with it. You?” Me: “Yeah, why not?”
And that was that. No bended knee, no engagement ring, no fanfare. Andy returned to the UK for 3 months when his visa expired, and then re-entered Australia with a fiancé visa on the proviso that we would tie the knot within six months. Eighteen people attended our small, intimate wedding about five and a half months later, and that was it; in the eyes of state and church, we were hitched.
Not quite the romantic ‘I can’t imagine my life without you’ declaration, but once you’ve committed, once you’ve married – ‘til death do we part and all that – it’s not comfortable to admit that you think you might have been too hasty. I wanted to believe that this was my forever. I really, truly, Catholically did. (Amazing what that conditioning does to/for you, eh?)
I loved being married, and for the first few years we did all the ubiquitous newlywed things. We set up house, bought furniture, decorated, nested, entertained friends, partied, and travelled, but when the distractions of all the ‘stuff we did’ were laid to one side, I’m not sure our marriage ever had the solid foundations marriages need in order to endure over a lifetime. It was in the still moments when I noticed the little cracks that were starting to emerge. We busied ourselves papering them over, but there was no doubting they were there.
Our marriage was like an old house on a great block of land with fantastic views. Overall, the project had potential, but we could never decide whether to renovate or detonate.
Five years prior to the ultimate death knell and our final parting, we trial separated for six months, but reconciled, hopeful (if not determined) that, with effort and the best of intentions, we could make our marriage work.
We couldn’t.
When we separated the second (and final) time, we both agreed on one thing: we should have stayed apart the first time. But the combination of a young child, a persistent and opinionated therapist, genuine love for each other, and a desire for things to get better saw us working at our marriage for another five years, until we could no longer pretend anything but the truth. The milk was sour. In fact, more than just sour, it had well and truly curdled. We were no longer fighting the good fight; we were just fighting. It was time to concede.
And just like off-milk, it left a bad aftertaste. Sad bitter discontent mixed with regret and resentment: both for each other and for our marriage. It was like watching an investment portfolio freefall from glory, knowing deep down that you didn’t get out in time and that the market is never going to bounce back.
Nothing we could do for each other was good enough. When we were together, I felt so constricted that I couldn’t breathe properly. The only thing I could do to catch oxygen was to lift my shoulders and gasp. It was like my nose was pressed against the roof of a car that had free-fallen off a bridge and was sinking. Shallow, heaving gasps, and I still couldn’t get enough air. I was trapped inside my body, suffocating in a vacuum of grief, which in turn radiated outwards. My friends could see it, my family could see it, and worst of all, our son could see it.
round 1:
Leo was only three the first time we separated. Andy moved out of our home and into an apartment ten minutes’ drive away. Leo called it ‘the hotel Daddy lives in’, which was a pretty good description. In many ways, our separation during that time felt like a holiday – think of the feeling of relief you get with having a break from the day-to-day grind of life that drags you down.
Although we were physically separated for six months, we decided to reconcile after only two. Under our psychologist’s advice and guidance, we spent the next four months (the remainder of his apartment lease) rebuilding, reframing, and rekindling our marriage. The regular counselling sessions provided a space where we could both be ‘heard’ – something that had been sorely lacking. Our challenge was to see things from each other’s perspective. We got it… we just didn’t accept it, and the sessions imposed a much needed discipline that we then adhered to (funny how spending thousands of dollars somehow makes people sit up and take notice of how they’re behaving).
We worked on our communication styles first. I need to talk things through in the moment; Andy needs to reflect and come back to things. Plus, I was sensitive to his sarcastic British ‘humour’ and took many of the things he said in jest very personally.
We worked on building empathy for one another: we identified our ‘trigger points’, the things that could launch us into a bout of misunderstanding, annoyance, and arguments. One of the big triggers being weekends, and what to do with them.
Anyone who’s had children will know that, with young kids, not having a plan to get them out of the house – and keep them busy, moving, and entertained – can result in bouts of cabin fever accompanied by frayed tempers, tantrums, and emotional meltdowns (and that’s just for the parents!).
I was a planner; Andy was a pantser. We made an effort to plan our weekends so we could avoid the arguments. It didn’t have to be much – a trip to the beach or the park. Playdates or barbeques and picnics with friends – something, anything, to give us a sense of direction and focus rather than blindly approaching that vast 48-hour chasm that weekends can present for the ill-prepared.
In many ways, it was the best of times. We were both consciously present. The fact that we were having weekly visits to a therapist definitely helped. She held us accountable. She gave us permission to call each other’s bullshit, and rather than allowing it to escalate into arguments, we would take the time to pause, breathe, consider the other’s position, and respond with consideration and kindness. I came to understand that because he spent all week out of the house, his ideal weekend included some time at home just to chill out. I, on the other hand, had been home with a toddler, and needed to get out and about in order to create some balance in my life. It sounds so simple when I tap it out