case you have no idea what the heck we’re talking about…Let me backtrack a little to this morning before 1st hour.
So there I was, digging through Brad’s locker. Which is always a Total Mess. But I finally managed to locate my Band folder beneath a pile of his dirty Gym clothes. (Gross!)
You’re probably wondering why all my books and folders are in Brad’s locker when I have a perfectly good one of my own—#685. The answer is…He’s been sharing it with me since the beginning of last year. Which is when I had the pleasure of meeting Craig Gershrowski. Better known as Fuck Face.
To make a very long story short…Fuck Face is an 8th grader who came to Webb last year. Apparently he went to elementary school with Lynn Kelly at Lee O. Clark and he’s got a Total Crush on her. Which is why he got all mad when I called her one day after school while he was over trying to put the moves on her.
Apparently, word had gotten around that everybody at school thinks Brad and I are both Total Fags. Just because we’re in Band. And we like to dance at Fun Nights. And we both have a lot of friends who are girls. Like Lynn Kelly. Who I was still totally in love with at the time. Which is what I told Fuck Face. Though why I thought I owed him any explanation, I have no idea. Well, when Fuck Face found that out, he decided to spend the good part of my second year in junior high amusing himself by calling me names.
Like Sissy Boy…And Queer Bait…Or my personal favorite, Faggot Ass Faggot.
What Craig Gershrowski didn’t seem to get was…I liked Lynn Kelly. The way a boy is supposed to like a girl. So how could I possibly be a Faggot Ass Faggot?
After a month of having to look at his braces-wearing pizza-face in between classes—not to mention dealing with his off-color comments—Brad kindly offered to let me store my stuff in his locker.
Which is where I found myself standing as he finally rounded the corner this morning, totally out of breath.
“Oh, my God…You’ll never guess what happened last night!”
“What?” I replied. Again, not like, What? I didn’t hear you. But like, What happened? Brad sounded so serious, I was thinking maybe somebody died or something.
He practically shoved me aside to hang up his green and gold Warrior Marching Band windbreaker, panting. “So I’m upstairs in Big Boobs’ room…” By whom he means his older sister, Janelle.
To which I said, “Dah-dah, dah-dah.” Though I was totally tempted to reprimand him. I knew exactly what Brad was upstairs doing in Big Boobs’ room…Smoking! Which he knows I do not condone one little bit.
“Dah-dah, dah-dah,” he echoed, getting on with it. “So I’m sitting there in Janelle’s room…” He gathered his thoughts along with his Band folder. “When I look over on her nightstand and I see it…” Then he trailed off.
“See what?”
Brad looked around the crowded hallway. Then he turned back to me and whispered, “A copy of Playgirl!” This he said as if it was the most horrifying thing in the whole wide world.
“So…?” I said, totally out loud in my regular voice. I mean, what’s the big deal, anyways? I’ve seen plenty of naked guys in the locker room at school. Not that I’m looking or anything.
“So…” Brad said, like he was totally about to wet himself. “Guess who was on the cover?”
“I don’t know,” I grumbled. Because I honestly had no idea. Maybe that guy from Footloose? He’s pretty popular these days.
“Go on, Jack!” Brad prompted. “Take a wild guess.”
“Would you just tell me, already?” I said, not wanting to guess wrong and look like a Total Fool. Then I slammed his locker door shut emphatically.
“Somebody’s awfully cranky this morning,” Brad said as we moved down the middle hallway en route to the Band Room.
“Somebody was up late last night,” I complained.
“Doing what?” he asked, full of wink-wink/nudge-nudge innuendo.
“Catching up on Days of our Lives… I’ve been so busy practicing this week, I haven’t had a chance to watch a single episode.” Mrs. Putnam passed out a ton of new sheet music for our Christmas Concert in December. Which is still like two months away. But it’ll be here before we know it.
“Busy practicing what?” Brad raised an eyebrow, giving me a look.
“My instrument.”
“Which one?” he asked. “Skin flute?” By which he meant beating-off. Which he knows full well I don’t do!
“Are you gonna tell me who you’re talking about or what?” Now I was totally fed up. It’s bad enough I’ve still got Craig Gershrowski hassling me. The other day, he pushed me into the girls’ locker room. Right when Ava Reese and Carrie Johnson were in there changing for Gym. I didn’t need my Best Friend giving me a hard time!
“Take it easy, you Big Baby,” Brad teased. “I’ll tell you.” Then he added, “You’re not gonna believe it,” ever so dramatically.
“Probably not,” I said, rounding the corner past the Guidance Counseling Office. I sneaked a peek through the glass doors looking for Audrey. By whom I mean my new friend, Audrey Wojczek, 1st hour Office Aide.
Sure enough, I spied a mass of long flaming hair behind the counter. Even though I know the School Secretary frowns upon it, I knocked on the glass. Audrey looked up from her filing, caught my eye, and waved for me to stop in. I gave Mickey Mouse a tap upon my wrist as I was about to be late for class. At which point, Audrey rubbed the inside corner of her eye. With her middle finger! It’s a lucky thing I knew she was only kidding around. Otherwise, I’d probably have taken offense. Instead, I waved good-bye and continued down the hallway with Brad…Who’d been yakking a mile a minute this entire time.
“Isn’t that incredible?”
“Isn’t what incredible?” I asked, missing the whole point of the story.
“Forget it,” Brad snapped, totally annoyed. “I hate it when you do that.” Then he charged down the hallway ahead of me.
“Br-a-a-d…” I called after him. “I thought you were gonna tell me who’s on the cover of your sister’s Playgirl!”
Which got his attention and ’round he spun. “Would you shut your big fat trap?” he hissed. “How would you like it if I told the whole school about your parents’ Sex Drawer?” By which he meant the bottom drawer of my Mom’s dresser, where this past Summer, we somehow found this dirty paperback called Pretty Penny when Brad was over spending the night. Which was all about this slutty teenager named—what else?—Penny, and her sexual misadventures.
I could tell Brad totally wanted me to beg. Which is why I said, “I’ll be your Best Friend.” Even though he knows I already am. Which is why he finally gave in and told me what was up…
“None other than JEH.” By whom he meant Jon-Erik Hexum. “I almost died when I saw it was him…Can you believe it?”
In case you don’t know—because he’s not that famous—Jon-Erik Hexum is an actor. You might remember him from a TV show called Voyagers! In which he played this Time Traveler named Phineas Bogg. But maybe not. The show only ran for like one season. I used to watch it with my Dad on Sunday nights at 7:00 PM back when I was in 7th grade.
The reason Brad seemed so amazed by all of this was…Just the other night we were talking on the phone and he started telling me all about this made-for-TV movie called Making of a Male Model. Starring Joan Collins and JEH.
In the movie, Joan Collins plays Kay Dillon, a successful modeling agency owner in search of a new Hunk to represent. Enter Jon-Erik Hexum as Tyler Burnett, a corn-fed farm boy who Kay transforms into the hottest male model of all time. According