moment? How long had I been dreaming of the day I’d finally get to witness Rex Smith singing “You Take My Breath Away”? But Lyle Waggoner looked like he was nowhere near being ready to get a move on. Especially since he just cracked open another Michelob Light, “For the Winner.”
So what did I do? Even though I knew my Dad wouldn’t appreciate it…I started crying.
“Hey, there,” Lyle Waggoner cooed, after he noticed me blabbering away around the corner in the hallway. “What’s the matter, Darlin’?”
Again, not looking at me, my Dad said, “Would you knock it off?” Though he was kinda half-laughing/half-sounding angry. Probably because he was totally embarrassed that his Big-Teethed Boss was sitting in his living room on his couch thinking his Little Boy was his Little Girl!
“But I wanna watch Sooner or Later,” I sobbed. Which came out sounding more like, “Wah Wah wahwah wah Wahwah wah Wahwah.”
“What’s that?” Lyle Waggoner slurred, reaching a big calloused hand out to me. “Come over here an’ tell me what’s wrong.”
TV Book in hand, I crept into the room. I showed Mr. Big Teeth the “Of Special Interest…” page, knowing I at least had his Booze Breath sympathy.
“Who’s this?” Lyle Waggoner took a look at the tiny black-and-white photo of Rex Smith sporting his Farrah Fawcett hairdo and smiled. “Looks like somebody’s got a little crush.” Then he took another swig of his beer. “You wanna watch a movie?” he asked. “G’ right ahead, Sweetheart…’s your house.” At which point, he gave my Garanimaled bottom a gentle pat.
I moved to change the channel when my Dad stopped me. “I told you to go play in your room.” Using his “mean” voice. Which is something he hardly ever did and it totally took me by surprise.
“But I wanna watch Sooner—” or Later, I was about to say. Till I was cut off.
“We’re not watching that Faggot Movie!” my Dad announced. Again, half-laughing/half-sounding angry. Being only 8 years old, this was the first time in my life I’d ever heard the word “faggot,” so I had no idea what it meant. Though from the tone in my Dad’s voice, I got the impression it wasn’t a good thing.
So what did I do? I didn’t watch Sooner or Later…That’s for sure!
Instead, I returned to my room where I passed out on my bed after exhausting myself from a serious cry. The good news is…Later that night, after Lyle Waggoner finally decided to drag his drunken self home, my Dad sneaked into my room. Without saying a word, he sat down beside me on my bed. I pretended not to notice when he wiped my tear-stained cheeks with his own calloused hand before softly making a confession. It turned out, the only reason my Dad wanted me to leave the room so bad was because he didn’t want me being subjected to his Boozer of a Boss. Who he said he couldn’t stand!
Then my Dad made me a promise. “Next time your movie is on,” he said, “we’ll watch it together…Just you and me, okay?” Even though we never actually did, I’ve gotta give the man credit for trying.
Back on New Year’s Eve, 1985…
I suggest to Audrey we watch Sooner or Later on the Late-Late Show. To which she vehemently objects. “Hell no! I can’t stand that movie.”
Which crushes me like a ton of bricks. “What’s wrong with it?”
“I saw it when I was in like 3rd grade, and it totally sucked!” Audrey snarls. Then she adds, “The book sucked even more.”
“There’s a book?” I ask. How am I totally not privy to this fact?
“You’ve never seen it?” she asks, surprised. “It’s got the chick on the cover with the locket around her neck.” By whom she must mean Denise Miller as Jessie Walters. Which is exactly the same as the album. Which my Mom bought for me on 8-track. Back in like 1980, after I missed seeing the movie on Sooner or Later Night.
“Can I borrow it sometime?” I practically beg. At this point, I don’t care what Audrey might think about my wanting to read a Girl’s Book.
But she answers, “I don’t got it anymore.” Totally bursting my bubble. “Sister Mary Hitler caught me reading it and the Bitch took it away.”
So what do I do? I fake a great big yawn…“Excuse me!”
“Too bad we’re not at your house,” says Audrey, ignoring my stretching to give added emphasis to how tired I’ve all of a sudden become. “We could watch Somewhere in Time on your VCR.”
In case you haven’t seen it, I won’t ruin the plot. But Somewhere in Time is this totally romantic movie from like 1980, about this guy—played by Superman, aka Christopher Reeve—who travels back in time after seeing this picture of a woman—played by Jane Seymour, who I loved in Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders—hanging on the wall in The Grand Hotel. Which is located Up North on Mackinac Island, and is pronounced “Mackinaw,” by the way.
When Audrey and I found out it’s the favorite movie of both of us, we made a pact that someday we’d go to Mackinac Island together and stay in The Grand Hotel. That is, whenever one of us gets our driver’s license and a car. We also plan to find the special trees along the lake where Richard Collier and Elise McKenna, aka Christopher Reeve and Jane Seymour, meet for the first time.
“I think I’m gonna call it a night,” I firmly decide.
“Party Pooper…It’s New Year’s Eve, for chris’sakes!” Audrey chides.
“Sorry…” I grab my jacket from the hook near the door.
“I’ll walk you halfway,” she offers, donning her long wool coat. Which means Audrey Wojczek has made up her mind and there’s no point in telling her she doesn’t have to bother. “Ladies first,” she tells me. Then she gestures for me to go ahead of her.
“Ha-ha,” I say. “You’re so funny I forgot to laugh.”
For the second time in less than half an hour, I head out into the cold dark night. We start down the deserted block towards my house, taking the long route on Woodward Heights rather than cutting through St. Mary’s Field. Which totally creeps me out—especially at night. When we come to Battelle, I’m about to make a right and continue down to Shevlin. Which saying it right now sounds totally stupid to me…What’s a Shevlin, anyways?
“Thanks for walking me halfway,” I tell Audrey. Though I can barely hear myself over the Def Leppard blaring from the White Cutlass that’s just stopped at the red light on the corner.
That’s when I hear, “Hey, Faggot!” And I see Fuck Face Craig Gershrowski hanging his head out the back window, totally wasted. “Wanna suck my dick?”
Of course, I ignore him. I don’t know who he’s with or who’s driving the car. All I know is…Once the light turns green, they’re gone in a squeal of burning Goodyears.
“Fuck you!” Audrey shouts after them, hot breath clouding the cold air. Then she turns to me, fire in her eyes matching her fire-red hair. “When are you gonna grow some balls and stand up to that kid? He’s an 8th grader, for chris’sakes!”
“I know…”
“You want me to kick his ass for you?” she offers. “You know I will.”
“No, thanks.” Even though I’d pay money to see that happen. For now, I’ll just continue to avoid conflict rather than deal with it. Which is one thing I’ve gotten good at.
Like if somebody cuts in front of me in the Lunch Line, I’ll act like I don’t even notice it. Especially if it’s some Jock Jerk. Or if somebody accidentally-on-purpose bumps into me in the hallway between classes, I’ll keep on walking like I don’t even notice it. Especially if it’s some Jock Jerk. Or if somebody happens to be parading around naked in the locker room after Gym, I’ll continue changing my clothes like I don’t even notice it.