The Sixth Form. Tom Dolby

how much damage could a few do, anyway? His mother had never smoked, and she had gotten cancer; it didn’t matter what you did, you could still get it anyway.

      He wondered where Todd had gone. Ethan’s eyes darted around the dance floor, but he didn’t see his friend. He wasn’t in the snack bar, either.

      Chastened from his rejection by Alex, Ethan decided to head back to the dorm. Outside, the air cooled the vodka-induced heat on his face. He didn’t want to go inside, not yet. As he passed the cemetery, he saw a glow from the tip of a cigarette. He let himself in the side gate and walked among the headstones. In the middle, next to the crumbling monument under which Louisa Berkley was buried, was a stone bench. On it, a figure in a black cape and mask stubbed out its cigarette in the grass.

      “Greetings, my masked brother,” Todd said. He giggled and held up a soda can. “I got a refill.”

      Todd handed it to him and Ethan took a sip. Once again, the delicious burn warmed his chest. He sat down next to Todd. He took another swig and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. There was a rustling on the far side of the cemetery.

      Ethan asked Todd why he left the dance.

      “It was lame,” Todd said. “I wanted to be alone.”

      Ethan shifted his body away from Todd. “I can leave, if you want.”

      “No, no, stay, it’s better. I like having you here. You know, someone to talk to.” Todd paused. “Besides all the dead people. Hell, you’re probably on top of Louisa Berkley’s feet.”

      “That’s creepy. Don’t talk like that.”

      “What do you mean? It’s nothing. It’s just bodies.”

      Ethan looked at his friend. He wasn’t sure why he was about to say what he did, but it just came out. “Todd, my mother is sick. She has cancer.”

      “Oh, shit, I’m sorry,” Todd said. “That was really uncool of me.”

      Ethan said nothing.

      “I’m such an idiot, talking about dead bodies.”

      “She’s going to die,” Ethan said quietly. “But she’s not dead yet.”

      “I’m sorry, Ethan, sometimes I don’t know how to act around you.”

      “Don’t stress about it.”

      Todd looked up. “Maybe it’s the full moon.” He let out a small burp. “Or the vodka. They make me want to do strange things.” Todd took another swig from the can and handed it to Ethan, who gulped down a mouthful.

      “Easy there, don’t kill it.”

      Ethan started feeling flushed again, not an unpleasant sensation. All he could see of Todd was his mouth, his lips. In his mask, Todd could be anyone. In his own mask, he could be anyone, too.

      “Come here,” Todd said. “I want to show you something.” Todd pulled his face close to Ethan’s, so close that Ethan could feel Todd’s breath on his cheeks. “Try to relax.”

      Lit only by moonlight, Todd gently held Ethan’s chin, opened his mouth, and kissed him. Ethan sensed Todd’s tongue probing around in his mouth like a slug, but he felt powerless to do anything. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to push Todd away, for this was Todd, his friend whom he could trust, his friend who had invited him into his home, his friend who was now kissing him. When Todd pulled away, Ethan jumped up from the bench and ran back to the dorm. It was the first real kiss he had ever gotten in his life, and it was from a guy. It was nothing like what he wanted: it was—grotesquely, as if he had created his own nightmare—the exact opposite of what he wanted. It didn’t feel like he imagined a girl’s kiss would; far from the passionate experience he had always envisioned, it was little more than two people’s body parts touching each other. Aside from the sliminess, apart from Todd’s exertion, he could have been kissing a doll, or a piece of fruit. After shedding his costume and changing into some sweatpants, Ethan hurried to the bathroom and brushed his teeth, wanting to get rid of the alcohol, of the remnants of Todd’s saliva. (In grade school, once, a bully had held Ethan down and spat a glob of phlegm into his mouth—he had immediately run home and brushed his teeth for half an hour. He supposed, remembering that incident now, that Todd’s offering wasn’t quite so bad.)

      There was still another ten minutes until check-in. Ethan went back to his room and lay down on his bed, only turning on his desk lamp. He tried to forget about what had happened, tried to pretend Todd had been a girl, tried to imagine that this was an everyday occurrence, but he couldn’t.

      After Ethan had bolted from the stone bench, Todd felt queasy. The alcohol, the full moon, the graveyard: they all spiraled together in his mind. To do this right after Ethan had confided in him about his mother made Todd feel like an insensitive letch. But he had wanted so much to connect with his friend, to show him how he cared for him; instead, he had done completely the wrong thing.

      He hoped no one had seen them. There had been some movement on the other side of the cemetery, probably just a senile faculty member walking his dog. He didn’t know if Ethan would ever speak to him after this, if he had ruined their friendship with one simple action. Todd raced up to his room, the muscles in his legs quivering. As he rinsed himself off in the shower, he wondered if he was being silly. He liked Ethan; he had wanted to kiss him. He hoped desperately for it to be as simple as that.

      After toweling off and returning to his room, though, he knew it wasn’t. A hot burst of shame surged over him, though he was naked in his darkened room, the October breeze drifting in through the open window. The kiss was such a revelation that he felt conflicted. He wanted more, but he also wanted to run away: to get back together with Alex, to reconcile with her, to acknowledge that this was all a mistake. Maybe he was attracted to girls and guys, destined to be one of those sexual chameleons who refused to be labeled. He considered the possibility as he threw on a pair of pajama bottoms. Going back to Alex would be safe and secure, but stifling, a prison. Going in the other direction, whatever that might be, was the only option.

      Ethan stayed in his room for the rest of the evening, and Todd didn’t come to visit as he usually would on a Saturday night. The next day, he was in the library studying when Todd sat down across the table from him. Todd looked frightened, ashamed, his usually clear complexion mottled and red. He glanced around to make sure no one could hear them.

      “About last night,” he whispered, “I’m sorry, I was drunk. I guess I thought you were someone else. I really had a lot to drink.”

      “Don’t worry about it,” Ethan said. “Let’s just forget it.”

      This was the pathetic state of his life. The most exciting thing to happen to him all semester was that his best friend had kissed him. Ethan considered himself a liberal thinker. His parents had gay friends whom they would invite to dinner. There wasn’t anything wrong with it; it just wasn’t for him. Could Todd really have been drunk and confused? Ethan bit down on his tongue as he tried to concentrate on his reading. After making it through a page, he raised his fingers and let them graze over his own lips, letting them linger there, just for a moment.