everything to me. He was everything to me. I just wanted us to be happy together.
I waited for over an hour for him to return, trying to read but unable to concentrate. The words on the page kept turning into ants that scurried around in confusing patterns, fleeing from my attempts to make meaning out of them. I read the same paragraph over and over, each time reaching the end without understanding a word of what I’d read. I checked the clock obsessively, thinking that surely hours had passed, but finding that it had been only two or three minutes since the last time I’d looked.
Unable to sit still another second, I got up and grabbed my coat from the hook in the closet. Pulling it on, I left the room and the building, heading out into the cold night air to look for Jack. I had no idea where he might be. I had yet to even familiarize myself with the entire campus, so spread out was it that I’d mapped only a small portion. I stood for a moment in the harsh light of a street lamp, trying to make up my mind.
I decided to try the athletic fields. Growing up, Jack had often worked out his frustrations by running, saying that the physical exertion cleared his head. Maybe, I thought, he was resorting to tried-and-true methods of dealing with the anger he’d expressed toward me. Getting my bearings, I walked down the path to the track. It was some distance from the dorm, and by the time I got there, I was quite cold. It was only the 7th of October, but already I could feel frost in the air. I shoved my hands in my pockets and stood at the top of the stairs going down to the track from the crest of the rise on which I was perched. I scanned the area for Jack, but it was deserted. There was no figure moving through the oval of lights, circling around as he tried to run away from the heat inside of him.
Disheartened, I turned and walked back the way I had come. As I retraced my steps, I thought about how I would apologize to Jack. I rehearsed the words, choosing them carefully. I played out the conversation in my head several times, until I was sure that it would bring about the desired result, which was the return of peace between Jack and me. I just wanted everything to be the way it had always been.
As I passed Pattee Library, it occurred to me to check inside. Perhaps, I thought, Jack had gone there looking for some quiet. It was unlike him, true, but not out of the realm of possibility. Besides, I told myself, maybe he’d been spurred into action by his poor test result. Maybe, while I’d been worrying and looking for him, he had been safely tucked into a carrel, catching up on his schoolwork.
I pushed open the door to the library and went inside. Past the checkout desk, rows of tables set with softly-glowing lamps were positioned before the forests of stacks. Most of the chairs were filled with students hunched over their books, scribbling in notebooks. One or two were asleep, their heads resting on their crossed arms. Again I looked for Jack, but he wasn’t there. Suspecting it was fruitless, I nonetheless walked through the stacks, thinking I might come upon him searching for a particular book. I was not surprised to come up empty-handed. Jack’s going to a library for refuge was unlikely, but I had no other ideas for where he might have gone.
Unless it was to the most obvious place of all. Feeling ridiculous for not having checked there first, I left Pattee and hurried back to Pinchot Hall. Too impatient to wait for the elevator, I took the stairs. As I climbed to the seventh floor, I again rehearsed what I would say. Probably Jack had told Andy at least something about our fight. If he had, Andy would be even more resentful of me for having avoided him. I wanted to defuse both situations at once, which I planned on doing by pretending nothing had happened. I would just walk in and pick up where we’d left off. I could deal with Jack later, when he’d worked through his initial anger.
In my haste to get to Jack I had hurried, and by the time I reached the seventh floor, I was panting heavily. I walked to Andy’s room and paused there, catching my breath. From behind the door I heard the sound of the Zombies singing “Hung Up on a Dream.” I also heard muted laughing, two voices, which made me sigh with relief. Andy was not alone, and it was likely Jack he was with.
I opened the door and walked in, a smile on my face and a cheery hello ready on my lips. But I stopped in my tracks when I saw what was going on. Andy was on his back on the bed, naked. Sitting on top of him, her back to me, was a girl I’d never seen before. She had long red hair, which was bouncing against her back as she rode Andy vigorously.
“Hey,” I said, unable to stop myself before it came out.
Andy looked up, his eyes dreamy from smoking the joint he still held in his hand. When he saw me, he smiled as if having me show up while he was in the middle of making love was the best thing that had happened to him all day. The girl, too, turned around and looked at me. Her small breasts, the nipples red like her hair, jiggled softly as she continued what she was doing.
“Ned!” Andy said expansively. “Come on in. Tracy, this is Ned.”
“Hi,” Tracy said breathlessly, giving a little wave of her fingers. I could see Andy’s balls between his spread legs, and every time Tracy raised herself up, several inches of his shaft slid out of her.
“I’m sorry,” I said, trying not to look at Tracy’s breasts. “I was looking for Jack. I thought he might be here.”
“No,” Andy said. “I haven’t seen him. But, hey, why don’t you stay? I bet Tracy wouldn’t mind.”
Tracy giggled and winked at me coyly. “I wouldn’t mind,” she confirmed.
Andy pumped himself up into her, making her cry out and giggle again.
“She’s a wild one,” he said slapping one of her ass cheeks with his free hand. “Want a ride?”
“Thanks,” I said. “But I’ve got to find Jack. Sorry to interrupt.”
I retreated from the room, shutting the door before I could see anything else. Inside, Andy slapped Tracy’s ass again, the sharp smack followed by more laughing. I walked away quickly, before I heard anything further, and descended the stairs to the third floor as if I were running away from the scene of a crime.
When I got back to my room, Jack was there. Like Andy, he was stretched out on his bed, but instead of Tracy and her breasts, he had a book open on his chest.
“Where have you been?” he asked, looking at the clock. “It’s almost eleven.”
“I was looking for you,” I said. “Where’d you go?”
“Just for a walk,” he answered. “You know I like to get some exercise when I’m hot.”
I nodded. “I went to the track,” I said.
He laughed. “I should have guessed,” he said. “Look, I’m sorry about earlier. I was just mad about the test. I didn’t mean anything.”
“I know,” I told him.
“And I guess I should stop spending so much time with Andy, too. It hasn’t exactly been helping my grades.”
“I think Andy’s found someone else to spend time with,” I said as I took off my shoes and sat down. Then I told Jack about walking in on Andy and Tracy.
“You’re kidding,” Jack said. “She just kept right on riding him?”
“Like a merry-go-round horse,” I said. “Up and down and up and down and…”
“I get the picture,” said Jack. “That guy is just crazy. He’s fun, but crazy. I guess I let myself get kind of carried away by him.”
I didn’t say anything. Jack was apologizing, and I was happy that we were on good terms again. But I knew that I had something to apologize for, too, and I wasn’t doing it. I couldn’t. I could never tell him that for a brief moment I’d actually considered joining Tracy and Andy on the bed, and not because I wanted to get my hands on Tracy. For the second time, I felt as if I’d chosen someone else over Jack, and for the second time that person was Andy.
I picked up my business class text and turned to the chapter we would be discussing in class the next day. Of all my courses, this was the most difficult for me to have any interest in. The material was dull, and the instructor