songs, “Kansas City” and “All Er Nuthin’,” twirl a rope, and do a tap dance in cowboy boots. I looked pretty cute doing it, too, if I do say so myself.
Not bad for a Sophomore who never really acted before, huh?
Never Let Me Down Again
“I’m taking a ride
With my Best Friend…”
—Depeche Mode
“Your other left!”
The following Wednesday, me and Rob Berger are up on stage, during 5th hour. We’re working on a scene from a play called Brighton Beach Memoirs. You know, by Neil Simon. He’s the guy who wrote Barefoot in the Park with Robert Redford and Jane Fonda. Dell picked it out for us. I didn’t realize the play starred Ferris from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off when it premiered on Broadway in 1983. Until I opened up the script, and there he was: Matthew Broderick as Eugene Jerome…So much for stage actors not being stars!
“For Pete’s sake…This isn’t rocket science.”
I watch as Mr. Dell’Olio literally slaps his furrowed forehead. Meanwhile, all the other Drama Queers stare at us in silence.
“You said ‘move to the left’ didn’t you?”
Poor Rob Berger…He looks like he’s gonna bust a nut he’s so confused right now.
“My left, your right!”
Rob looks at me.
I look at Mr. Dell’Olio for clarification. “You mean, stage right?”
Stage left. Stage right. Up stage. Down stage.
Sounds easy, huh? Try being the one up there taking direction. Especially when your director is screaming out your blocking at you.
“Just move, Berger,” Dell orders, “and say your line while you’re doing it…Got it?”
Rob mumbles softly, “Got it.”
You’d think Mr. Dell’Olio would know what he’s doing by now. He’s been teaching Drama for how many years? And prior to that, he worked as a professional director Off-Off Broadway in New York City. It’s not our fault some Russian guy, Stanislavsky, decided back in the late 1800s that stage right meant the actor’s right and not the director’s.
“Is it Christmas Break yet?” Dell asks aloud, to nobody in particular.
“Seventy-eight more days,” a voice responds from somewhere in the void.
“Thank you, Audrey!”
“No problem, Dell.”
That’s Aud, always being a smart-ass!
I look out to see her slumped down in her seat next to Tuesday Gunderson, both girls trying not to chuckle at mine and Rob’s expense.
“Whenever you fellas are ready,” Mr. Dell’Olio says to us now. “Preferably sometime before I retire in the year 2007.”
In the scene, me and Rob play brothers: Stanley and Eugene. Stanley’s eighteen and Eugene is fifteen, which is perfect casting if you ask me. I don’t look the least bit my real age (seventeen) and Rob looks like he’s at least twenty. Must be the mustache…and the fact that he’s had pubes since he was twelve!
The only thing is, Stanley and Eugene are Jewish. Not that I got a problem with Jewish people, I just don’t know any. The closest thing you get to a Jewish anything in The Friendly City of Hazel Park is when the cross-country team has a bagel sale.
“From the top?” Rob asks, looking in my direction.
“You got the first line,” I remind him.
“Oh…”
Not that he’s not a cool guy, but you can probably imagine why Rob Berger’s a Varsity athlete. As hot as he may be, he isn’t the brightest bulb in the bunch, you know what I mean? Surprisingly, he’s a fairly decent actor—for a jock.
We been in Dell’s Drama class together since Junior year. This past spring, he played the role of Dr. Orin Scrivello, DDS in Little Shop of Horrors to my Seymour and Liza Larson’s Audrey. Picture Rob in a black leather jacket sucking on that nitric oxide. H-O-T!
Poor Audrey…She desperately wanted to be Audrey, but Dell decided to go with a blond, like in the movie. Not to mention the fact that Audrey is more of a character actress. This is why she ended up playing Chiffon, one of the three street urchins.
“What are you doing here?”
I remember asking Rob this when I saw him at the auditions.
“You think I can’t act just because I’m a jock?” he joked.
The second he flashed that fucking grin of his, I was smitten.
Of all people, I never expected to see Rob Berger trying out for a play, least of all a musical. Back in junior high, he never did anything artistic. He didn’t sing in Choir or play an instrument in Band or even take Creative Academics with Ms. Lemieux. Now of all a sudden, there he was…From Total Jock to Drama Queer!
Only Rob Berger is far from being a queer of any kind as far as I can tell. Sure, he’s popular, and we already established how hot he is, but like I said, he’s a Varsity football player. How come he doesn’t have a girlfriend? In fact, I’ve known Rob for over five years now, and in all that time I can’t remember him ever going with anybody.
He did bring this one girl, Katy Griffin, to the 9th grade Carnation Dance. She used to play trombone and sat next to me in Band all three years at Webb, but I always thought Katy might be a lesbian so she doesn’t count.
“Hold!”
The second we finally get rolling, Mr. Dell’Olio starts screaming at us again. Personally, I thought the scene was going good. So far I didn’t drop a single line.
Too bad I can’t say the same for Rob.
“Are we doing something wrong?” he asks, more to me than to Herr Director.
“Yeah, Dell…What’s up?” I wonder. “Do we totally suck or something?”
“You’re fine, Dayton,” Mr. Dell’Olio replies. “I can’t say the same for your partner.”
Rob’s face goes raspberry-beret-red. “Sorry, Coach.” Frustrated, he kicks at some nonexistent fuzz on the lip of the stage.
What’s happening in the scene is…Eugene is playing with his football when Stanley enters, all freaked out. He just got fired from his job for disrespecting his boss, this German Nazi-type guy who naturally must hate Stanley since he’s a Jew, and vice versa. Being a comedy, it’s pretty funny shit, even though Dell’s taking it super seriously.
“Berger,” he says to Rob, sounding like a dad about to have the (quote-unquote) talk with his firstborn son. “Tell me something…”
Rob looks up without saying a word.
“What’s your motivation?”
After a slight pause Rob asks, “What do you mean?”
Dell loses it. He throws his arms up in defeat. “How many days till Christmas Break?”
“Seventy-eight,” Audrey pipes up from the Peanut Gallery. “You already asked.”
I can’t help but laugh when I see Dell shaking his head, looking like he can’t take much more. Really, he’s not a crabass. He just can’t resist acting all dramatic. In fact, he’s just as much a Drama Queer as the rest of us. Except he’s not a homo, he’s totally married.
“In the scene,” Mr. Dell’Olio says slowly, trying a new tactic, “what is your motivation?”
Rob repeats, “What’s my motivation in the scene?”
I