and barbecued pintos, and big bowls of okra and tomatoes, and corn pudding, and potato salad made with potatoes boiled in water spiced with Texas Pete, and baskets of jalapeño cornbread, and not only two pans of her rich banana pudding but also two sticky cherry cobblers. Must have been twenty different items on that buffet—enough to feed double the number of guests.
“Whadda you think, sugar?” Mama asked as me and Lyman gawked at the incredible display, and he and Gladys began picking at the barbecue with their fingers before other people arrived.
I could tell how proud Mama was, and yeah, I was almost speechless when I realized the time and work that had gone into fixing all this food. For a second, I thought I might start crying, but instead I just hugged her hard around the waist, and pecked her on the cheek, and said, “It’s so beautiful, Mama,” and swore to myself never to argue with her again.
9
GOAT ROPERS
It was really nice of Mary Jane to give me and Sally both two tickets to last Saturday afternoon’s Roller Derby at the Thunderdome. Mary Jane works with us at the shelter three days a week, but she’s also a damn good cook and one of the Rhinestone Babes’ best rollergirls. When she skates in a derby, she goes by the name of Cha Cha, and let me tell you there’s not a better jammer on that team than Cha Cha Baxter. Of course Mary Jane couldn’t be more trim and fit and full of pep, so no wonder her boyfriend Sam Radcliff thinks she hung the moon. And don’t think it hasn’t dawned on me that if I hadn’t let myself go to pot all those years, I might make a pretty good rollergirl myself and maybe snag myself a man like Sam if Vernon doesn’t work out. Sam’s a great guy. Started his own landscaping business ’bout a year ago and has done pretty well so far, and I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if Mary Jane called me one day and said he’s popped the big question.
Anyway, Sally invited Zach to go with her, but when he came up with some song and dance about promising to cover for his buddy at Mickey’s Smokeshop, it didn’t take me a split second to say to her, “Well, Sal, you’ll go with me and Vernon and Sam, and I don’t wanna hear any argument.” I mean, Sally really loves the derbies, and she don’t have many friends, and believe me, I know the hell she’s going through with the weight problem, so why should she miss out?
And the four of us did have a super time. Cha Cha was dressed in this frilly tutu and red fishnet stockings and a red, white, and blue helmet. During one bout, the crowd really went wild when she jammed this puta on the Angel Cowgirls team, and passed at least two opponents, and broke through the pack, and racked up three more points for the Babes. Then, after the big win, she and Sam joined everybody at Ziggy’s to drink suds and hear me play in the band and ride the bull. I got them the best table in the joint—right at the dance platform—and when Venus Williams sang “Daddy’s Gonna Keep His Eye on You” and I blew a little solo, the crowd clapped and whistled a lot and Vernon stared at me with the biggest grin on his face you could ever imagine.
Of course Vernon’s good as gold, so when Cha Cha forced Sam up to two-step round and round the platform, I couldn’t have been more happy to see Vernon grab Sally and pull her up too. And I gotta tell you, Sal might be a big girl, but, like so many fat women, she’s light as a feather on her feet—light as a feather. Sam’s not, which I guess is why Vernon and Mary Jane ended up dancing together so much while the other two just sat at the table drinking and smoking and listening to us play.
Now, I bet any other gal would have gotten real jealous seeing her boyfriend dancing over and over with somebody as good-looking and sexy as Mary Jane. But not me—no, siree. First, I know Mary Jane’s as crazy about Sam as he is about her, and second, nobody on earth loves to dance and sing and just have fun like Vernon. Besides, Mary Jane’s my good friend, and she’d never pull any backhanded stunts on me after all I’ve been through. What did burn me up was when some white trash in the crowd yelled, “Let’s hear it, Bubbles” when I stood up again and was fixin’ to blow the bridge on “Jesus, Take the Wheel” for some line dancing. Was bound to happen, I guess, but I just ignored the jerk, and Vernon and Mary Jane were dancing and laughing so hard with everybody else that he couldn’t have noticed a thing.
After we wrapped up the last set, Vernon and Sam said they wanted a Tex-Mex burger and fries and more beer before going into the bull room, and Sally and Mary Jane said that sounded good to them.
“Y’all count me out on the burgers,” I said. “Blowing the sax really gets my adrenaline running, you know, and all I want now is some ice-cold suds.”
Vernon pulled me round the waist and said, “Oh, come on, little girl, you gotta keep body and soul together. Shit, hon, how you gonna ride the bull without some meat on those bones?”
Everybody laughed out loud, but when Sally and Mary Jane glanced over at me, bless ’em, I could tell they understood and felt real sorry for me.
By the time we got to the bull room, some dude holding his hat in the air was already bucking away and people were yelling, “Turn it up! Turn it up!” So they did turn the machine up and he got thrown in no time and landed smack on his big hat. Next, we saw a bunch of shit-kickers on a bench push a pretty hefty gal holding a bottle of beer toward the platform and bellow, “Go for it, Maud! Go for it, sweetheart! Show ’em your stuff!” When one guy pushed a little too hard, she jumped up and saddled him around the waist with her knees and dumped half the bottle over his head. Then everybody on the bench started clucking like chickens, so she finally marched out and swung herself up on the bull and raised her hand for the machine to start bucking. Well, there for a few seconds that gal was as good and tough as any goddamn cowboy riding that bull, and the crowd really went crazy. But then they jacked it up a few notches, and her big boobs were really flopping up and down in her white tee, and soon she was sailing through the air screaming like a mad billy goat.
Sam went and got some more beers, and I gotta say we were all feeling our oats by the time a few more ropers shelled out the five bucks and took their turns on the bull. Of course, since she’s in such good shape and used to stiff competition, it didn’t take much to coax Mary Jane to try her luck. Down in no time. Then Sam landed on his ass. Next, Vernon jumped up on the bull and didn’t last five seconds and we’re all laughing our fool heads off.
He then grabbed me hard and pushed and shouted, “Your turn now, baby doll.”
I squirmed and finally dropped to my knees and yelled, “Not on your life, cowboy. If you think I’m gonna get up there and crack my ribs…”
“Oh, don’t pitch a conniption, babe,” he joked out loud while he rubbed his sore arm. “What about you, Sal? Go, girl!”
Well, I couldn’t believe my eyes when Sally gets up from the bench, and stuffs her sequined shirt in her jeans over all that fat, and throws her hands in the air laughing like a hyena, and sort of waddles across the platform while some people clap and howl “Yeah, big mama! Buck it, mama!” I mean, the last thing I wanted was to watch poor Sally make a real fool of herself, but lemme tell you: Sal grabs that saddle horn, and bounces like a real buckaroo with her blond ponytail flopping up and down, and even when they turn up the juice she lasts a good ten seconds till she finally tumbles and lands on her flabby rear end. The crowd really went wild, and when Vernon rushed out to help her up, she was still hooting and poking her fist in the air like some giant who’d just brought down a grizzly or something. “Whoooa, girl!” I yelled when I started hugging her.
“Okay, doll, how ’bout it? You ready yet?” Vernon kept bugging me. “Here’s five big ones that say you can sock us all.”
What I wanted to scream was, “Buster, here I got a goddamn ring looped round my gut, and no gallbladder, and a thyroid condition, and you’re telling me to get up on that bull.” Instead, I just shoved him away real playfully and said, “Okay, okay, I’m chicken. I admit it. So just forget about it, okay?” And he did. Vernon’s like that when he knows I mean business.
I guess we would’ve stayed at Ziggy’s till midnight if Mary Jane hadn’t said she’d had it and I said it was my turn to go by the shelter to check on some sick animals and the water bowls and what have you. Of course,