belt—only not just in my imagination. I stopped and listened carefully, then undid the button. Oh so slowly I pushed the zipper down, tooth by anxious tooth, until I was touching both of us—me and Will, at least in my mind—one hand for each.
My ears strained for anything like a quiet footfall, a voice in the distance, the creak of a door. Nothing. I bent my head. And I pulled.
Fortunately I’d gotten very good at keeping quiet doing this at home. It’s true my breathing was a little—well, raspy. But other than that, the only thing I heard was in my mind, when Will came, that rich “ah” sound he makes at the very end. And a little grunt of my own. I gritted my teeth and clamped my lips shut so I would be as silent as possible.
I got the tissues into position just in time.
That had hardly taken half an hour, so I had the luxury of kneeling there for a while longer, eyes still closed, picturing Will’s sleepy eyes, his smile languid with satisfaction and affection. For me.
Elbows on the chair seat again, head bent against my hands, I resumed a prayerful attitude. “Please, Will,” I begged in a whisper, “don’t forget me. Don’t give up on me. I’ll be with you again.” I swear I felt something on my lips. Like he had kissed me.
Kissing Will. I thought of the first time we’d kissed. Now, don’t get me wrong; I wouldn’t give up my first kiss with Will—or what happened afterward—for anything. But once we got back to school, we had to act like nothing had happened. Straight couples have this whole scene they can get to know each other in. Dates, dances, mixers, parties—it goes on and on. They get to have their first kisses in as romantic a situation as they want, and then they get to talk about it. Not us.
My friend Nina Stern came running to me every time she had a new boyfriend, or any time she thought maybe she was going to. But do you think for one minute I could go running to her with stories about Will? And all over school you could tell when some new couple was forming. The kids who went to my church were a little more reserved about it, but even with them you could tell. Between the googly eyes and sitting as close together as possible in the cafeteria, the hetero couples were all over the place. So sweet. So cute. So infuriating.
I didn’t begrudge them their happiness. Well, maybe just a little, because after all, weren’t they begrudging me mine?
Will was brave. He smiled at me, at least, whenever he saw me. But you didn’t catch us holding hands as we walked down the hallway. Hell, you didn’t even see us walk down the hallway together.
All that next day in school, after that first kiss, I could barely pay attention to what was going on in my classes. I kept wondering what gay couples do to arrange their next nondate. Should I call Will? Would he call me? If he didn’t call me in a few days, was that a bad sign, or was he just being cautious? We’d exchanged cell phone numbers before he left my bedroom the night before, so calling was an option. But would it be a reality?
The test in World History, of course, was the hardest part of a difficult day, because Will was right there. I could almost feel his tongue in my mouth.
The teacher asked Will to collect all the papers at the end, and as he was coming down my row I looked up at his face. He was smiling at me. Something welled up in my chest, and I couldn’t trust myself not to do something really stupid, so I closed my eyes until he was past. After that, the challenge was to catch my breath and adjust my jeans.
I was on the bus on the way home when my cell rang. Will’s number! “Hello?” My hand was shaking, and it wasn’t just the bouncing from the bus’s lousy suspension.
“Hey! Where are you?”
“On the bus.”
“Why?”
“What?”
Silence. I checked my signal; still okay. Then, “Didn’t you get my note?”
My silence now. Note? “What note?”
“You goof. I dropped it onto your desk when I picked up your paper in History. I was gonna try and sneak it to you after class, but then I got that opportunity.”
“I didn’t see it. What did it say?”
“I asked if you wanted to go and watch the football team practice. More homoerotic subtexts out on the field than in Ben Hur and Lord of the Rings put together. I’m here at school, waiting for you.”
“Oh…”
He laughed. “Look, never mind. Next time. Call me after dinner. Say, nine-ish?”
I tore into my messenger bag for any sign of the note, irritating the hell out of the guy next to me in that cramped space. Finally, toward the bottom of the bag, I saw it.
Meet me by the bulletin board EOD and come watch boys being boys. CUL.
—W
Green ink. CUL. See you Later.
Repacking my bag, I forced myself to stay calm. It wasn’t like I’d missed another make-out session, after all. We would have been no freer to make moony eyes or hold hands on the bleachers than inside the school. But I would have been with Will. God, but I was pissed.
I called him that night, and we talked. And talked. We went over the test, and it seemed I hadn’t done too badly after all. And then we talked about us.
I told him how upsetting it was that we couldn’t be ourselves. That we had to hide who we really are, what we really are to each other, from everyone.
“Well,” he said, “not everyone.”
“Yeah? Like who? Who can we be honest with?”
His voice took on a funny edge. Like he was teasing me or something. “What about your friend Nina?”
“What about her?”
“I can’t believe you haven’t told her you’re gay.”
“Will, I haven’t told anyone I’m gay.” With a shock, I realized that was true; I’d never said the words out loud before. “And why would I tell her?”
“Isn’t she a good friend?”
“Yeah, so…”
“She knows I am.”
“What?”
“Calm down. I didn’t say anything about you, silly. I’d never out someone else. But she doesn’t go to our church. And she’s cool. She’s got no problem with my being gay.”
Well, no, she didn’t go to our church. She’s Jewish. “How did you…When did you…I didn’t even know you knew her!”
“We live next door to each other.”
Holy crap. Will lives right next door to Nina? It wasn’t like I’d been to her house a lot. We didn’t want her kid brother to start thinking we were an item and making a pest of himself. But still…
I took a shaky breath. “Okay. I’ll think about it.”
“Ty? I just want you to know I loved being with you last night. I hope you’re still feeling good about it, too.”
“I loved being with you, too. And I still feel frigging wonderful.”
“So, we could do it again sometime?”
“Sure. Wanna come over now?”
I loved the sound of his laugh. “I wish. Tell you what. Can you hold the phone in one hand?”
It took me a nanosecond to figure out what he was headed for. “Let me lock my door.”
Phone sex. I’d never had phone sex. Hell, I’d never had any sex, really, before last night. This guy was opening my world. And I have to say that although I preferred his hand on me, when his “ah” sounded right in my ear it was still great.
Before we hung up, I asked, “What’s with