fat injected into them (possibly taken from my nose, so it would be a two-in-one operation... smaller nose and fatter knees all in one swift plunge of the huge, hypodermic, fat-extractor needle... er, I really do feel sick...).
7:30 p.m.
I wish I had gone with Jas and Rosie, all in a big gang. Now it means I’ll have to walk in with Mark and everyone will look at me and think he’s my boyfriend.
Midnight
I cannot BELIEVE my life. Well, if you could call it a life... When I think about tonight I feel like staying in bed for the rest of it.
Mark was at the clock tower, smoking a fag... he looked sort of OK. When I got near him he grabbed me and gave me a kiss right on the mouth, no messing about. I was surprised and also a bit worried... maybe the hand would sneak up to the breast for a bit of a rest... but no.
Mark doesn’t seem to say much – after the kiss he took my hand and we started walking to the gig. It was a bit awkward because I am actually bigger than him, so I had to sort of let my shoulder down on one side like Quasimodo.
As soon as we got there Mark went to say hello to a few of his mates. Rosie’s Sven was a GIANT – about eight foot tall, with a crewcut. Jas was all moony and looked a bit pale. She said, “I wanted that anorexic model look, like I’ve been up partying all night. I want Tom to think I’ve not been thinking about him.”
The gig was packed, mostly boys on one side and girls on the other. Jas said, “Aren’t you going to talk to your boyfriend?”
Which is when Tom and Robbie walked in. They saw us and Robbie caught my eye and he smiled... I’d forgotten what a Sex God he is. He’s all muscly and dark and oohhhhh. I smiled back, a proper smile because I’d forgotten about my nose for the moment. Then from behind me came Lindsay and crossed over to Robbie. He had been smiling at her!!! My face was so red you could fry an egg on it. Robbie kissed Lindsay on the cheek. She had her hair up and was quite literally all ears. Yukko.
Robbie went up on stage and Tom was left by himself as wet Lindsay chatted to some of her stupid, sixth-form mates. Jas said, “Do you think I should go over and say something to him?”
I said, “Have some pride, Jas, he chose vegetables over you.” At that moment a dark-haired girl came out of the loos and went over to Tom. She put her hand on his arm and they went off together.
And it got worse.
The Stiff Dylans started playing and Mark came across to me, got hold of my hand and pulled me on to the dance floor. His Mick Jagger impersonation did not stop at the lips. He was a lunatic on the dance floor, strutting around with his hands on his hips. I nearly died. Then Sven joined in, dragging Rosie with him. His style of dancing was more Cossack, a lot of going down into a squat position and kicking his legs out. Then he lifted Rosie up above his head!!! He was whirling her around, going, “Oh ja, oh ja,” and Rosie was trying to keep people from seeing up her skirt.
And that is when I lost it. It was just too funny... Jas, Ellen and Jools and I were laughing like hyenas. I had a coughing fit and had to rush to the loos to try and recover. I’d just calm myself down and then poke my head round the door to see Sven dancing around and it started me off again.
Then Mark wanted to slow dance. I knew because he grabbed me and pulled me up against him. He was all lumpy, if you know what I mean, and had his mouth against my neck. It was even more difficult dancing with him than it was holding hands. I had to sort of bend my knees and sag a bit in order to “fit in”. At one stage I found myself looking straight at Robbie. He looked so cool. Oh bloody sacré bleu. Even though I hate him and he is a pompous pratboy, I think I may love him.
Then the band stopped playing for a break but Mark yelled, “Play more.” Some of his mates started joining in, then they sort of rushed the stage and Mark grabbed the microphone from Robbie. He was “singing” – I think it may have been “Jumpin’ Jack Flash”. Robbie put his hand on his shoulder and then a massive fight broke out. All Mark’s thick friends got stuck into the band and then the band’s mates got stuck into them. All us girls were screaming.
Sven lifted two boys up at once and tossed them outside into the street and that’s when Ellen, Jas, Jools and I decided to do a runner.
So, a gorgeous night. I am tucked up in bed, my “boyfriend” is a hooligan, before him I had another “boyfriend” called whelk boy. The boy I like hates me and prefers a wet weed with sticky-out ears... ps My so-called ‘pet’ spat at me when I walked in all upset. pps I have found my sister’s secret used nappy at the bottom of my bed.
Sunday December 13th
5:00 p.m.
No sign of Mark, thank goodness. I stayed in reading all day. Mum and Dad are having a night out – they suddenly want to do things together, it’s so unnatural! – so I have to babysit Libby. I don’t mind as I never want to go out again.
6:00 p.m.
Libby cheered me up by pretending to be Angus. She curled up in his basket and hid behind the curtains, growling. I had to stop her when she started eating his dinner.
6:15 p.m.
Jas on the phone. “I’ll never get a boyfriend. I may become a vet.”
6:20 p.m.
Jas phoned again. “Do you think I am really ugly?”
6:30 p.m.
Rosie phoned. “I managed to get Sven home before the police arrived. He has given me a bit of holly.”
I said, “Why?” and she said, “I don’t know, maybe it’s a Danish tradition.”
7:15 p.m.
Jools phoned. “Someone said they noticed that Lindsay wears an engagement ring when she’s at school.”
8:00 p.m.
Perfect. The doorbell rang but I made Libby be really quiet and pretend we weren’t in. No note or anything.
Fed up, depressed, hungry.
9:00 p.m.
Fed up, depressed, feel sick.
Had:
2 Mars bars,
toast,
milky coffee,
Ribena,
Coke,
toast,
cornflakes and
Pop-Tarts.
10:00 p.m.
Going to bed. Hope I never wake up.
Monday December 14th
8:30 a.m.
Nearly bumped into Mark on the way to school. Got round the corner just in time, thank goodness.
9:45 a.m.
Slim was livid about The Stiff Dylans gig; she was trembling like a loon.
“I sincerely hope none of my girls were in any way associated with the hooligans who behaved like animals at the dance...”
Rosie looked up at me and put her teeth in front of her bottom lip like a hamster. I don’t know why but it really made me laugh so much I thought I would choke. I had to pretend to have a coughing fit and get my hankie out.
Jas wasn’t in school. I wonder where she is. Maybe the “painters are in”, if you know what I mean. Rosie was full of Sven this and Sven that. I said, “Is he your boyfriend, then?” and she went a bit red and said, “Look, I don’t think we’re going out or anything. He’s only given me a bit of holly.” But as I said, that could mean anything in Denmark.
Oh bloody hell, Jackie and Alison, the Bummer twins, are back with a vengeance. They sent a note round saying they want us