a good idea?”
She said, “You don’t know where Sweden is, do you?”
“Don’t be stupid.”
And she said, “Where is it, then?”
I looked at her. Honestly. As if I don’t know where Sweden is. I said, “It’s up at the top.”
“Top of what?”
“The map.”
And she went, “Hahahahahahahaha.”
I think she must be a bit hysterical.
I may forgive her. Because so am I.
Maths
10:35 a.m.
Oh good grief, welcome back to the land of the crap. The Bummer Twins sent round a note: meet in the Fourth Year classroom as 12.30 today. Everyone comes, and that means you, Geongia nicolson and your lesbian mates.
I wrote a note to Jas and the others.
Dear Fab Gang.
This is it. Things have got sheer desperadoes. We have to put our feet down with firm hands. I for one am no longer prepared to be the Bummer Twins’ armchair!!! Meet in the science block at 12.15. or be square.
Gee-gee
xxxxxxxx
12:32 p.m.
Hiding from the Bummer Twins in the science-block loos. Jas, Jules, Rosie, Ellen, Patty, Sarah, Mabs and me…all in one cubicle. We have to keep our feet off the floor so that no one will know we are in here. It’s hard to keep your balance when there are eight of you standing on one loo seat.
Alert, alert!!!! Two people came into the loos. I recognised their voices. It was Wet Lindsay and one of her mates, Dismal Sandra.
Wet Lindsay said, “Honestly, some of the younger girls are so dim. One of them came to see me and asked me if she could get pregnant from sitting on a boy’s knee.”
Jas mouthed at me, “Can you?” Which I thought was quite funny but I couldn’t laugh otherwise we would end up quite literally down the pan.
I wanted to look over the top of the cubicle so that Owlie would know I had seen her in the loo. Seen her removing her thong from her bum-oley!!!
Then Owlie’s weedy mate Dismal Sandra said, “What’s happening with Robbie?”
I was full-on, attention-wise.
Wet Lindsay said, “Well he says he doesn’t want to get serious because of college and the band and everything.”
I nearly yelled out, “It’s not that, Owlie, it is because he DOESN’T like you…”
Dismal Sandra said, “So what will you do, then?”
Lindsay said, “Oh, I’ve got my ways, I’ll charm him back in the end. He’s not seeing anyone else, he says. I expect he’s still upset about us splitting up.”
Oh yeah, in your dreams, Owlie.
Physics
1:30 p.m.
Herr Kamyer was twitching about in his sad suit. It’s sort of tight round the neck and short round the ankles. Do normal people wear tartan socks? Anyway, he was adjusting his spectacles and saying, “So zen, girls, ve haf the interesting question about ze physical world. Ver question is (twitch twitch), vich comes first…ze chicken or ze eggs?”
No one knows what he is talking about so we just carried on writing notes to each other or making shopping lists. Ellen was actually painting her toenails. You would think that Herr Kamyer would notice that she had her head underneath the desk, but he didn’t seem to.
He really does jerk around. He sort of blinks his eyes and screws up his nose and flings his head round all at once. Someone said it was because he has had malaria. Once when he was walking across the playground and it was icy he had such a spasm that he slipped and crashed into the bike shed. Elvis had to restack sixty bikes. He grumbled for about forty years. You would think Elvis would have more sympathy for the afflicted. As he is so afflicted himself.
Suddenly about ten girls started sneezing really violently. Really violently, like their heads were going to blow off. Their eyes were streaming and they were stumbling for the door. Jackie Bummer managed to say, “Oh we must be…ATISHOO…ATISHOO…allergic to something in the science lab, Herr Kamyer. ATISHOO!”
They all got sent home in the end.
I found out later what the Bummer Twins’ meeting was about They had made everyone at the meeting put bath crystals up their noses in the middle of physics, and that had brought on the sneezing attacks. All because the Bummers wanted to go to some club in Manchester, and needed to be home early.
Good Lord. Three days to my date with the Herring.
5:00 p.m.
Jas made me go home with her. She is planning a special celebration for when Tom gets home.
“It will be one year since we first met on the day he gets back!”
I just looked at her.
“And look!” Before I could stop her, she pulled up her skirt and pulled down her voluminous pants to show me her stupid heart tattoo. “I’ve been washing round it!”
She went on and on about what she was planning to do. Even though I found some matchsticks and put them over my eyelids so it looked like they were holding my eyes open. Eventually I said, “Look, why don’t you do a nice vegetable display for him?”
Midnight
Honestly, Jas is so mad and touchy. And violent.
Wednesday October 6th
4:30 p.m.
After swimming today Miss Stamp came into the showers to make sure we all went in. She says we pretend to have a shower and that we are unhygienic. That is why she must supervise us. But really it is because she is a lesbian.
She watched a few of us go through (twirling her moustache). She shouted, “Come on, you silly ninnies, get in and get out!”
I dashed in in the nuddy-pants and was soaping myself like a maniac in order to get out quickly because Miss Stamp is a lesbian and might…well might…er…look at me. As if that wasn’t bad enough I had to be on even more red alert because Nauseating P. Green lumbered into the shower next to me. What if she accidentally touched me? It’s a sodding nightmare this place, like the Village of the Damned. If P. Green fell against me I would be smickled with Nauseatingness. She really is a most unfortunate shape. What on earth does she eat? All the pies, that is for sure. In fact, she has no shape. You can only tell which way up she is because of her glasses.
As I was getting dried I did feel a bit sorry for her because the Bummers had hidden her glasses while she was in the shower. She blundered around in the elephantine nuddy-pants, looking for them. The Bummers (who had managed to get out of games by “having the painters in” AGAIN! How many periods can you have in a month?) were singing, “Nellie the elephant packed her bags and said goodbye to the circus.” Then the bell went and the Bummers slouched off.
After they’d gone I gave P. Green her silly specs. She would have been in the shower rooms for the rest of her life otherwise. I hope she doesn’t think that makes me her mate.
My bedroom
6:00 p.m.
No phonecall from SG. I wonder what Wet Lindsay means about using her charm on him? What kind of charm do owls have?