lard?”
“It’s fat made from bits of cow.”
Nice.
She went on. “Then it says, ‘If tha knows what’s good for thee tha’ll shut it and sling yer ’ook.’”
I looked at her as if she was speaking rubbish.
Which she was.
She explained, “Erm, well, in a nutshell it says, ‘Shut up and clear off.’”
Charming.
There was more. Ruby read out, “‘He’s not interested in a bumberskite like you, it’s only because tha threw your sen at ’im and gallivant around like a tit.’”
“When have I ever done that? I don’t even know how to gallivant, let alone like a … and what is a bumberskite?”
Ruby had really got into it now. She went on.
“Yes, he, that’s Cain, isn’t interested in a bumberskite like you. Cain’s not interested in you because you’re like a sort of bum in a skirt.”
“Thank you, Ruby.”
“And secondly, because you threw yourself at him.”
I started going red. This was so awful.
“Threw myself at him? Threw myself at him!!!”
I was getting redder than red, this was a nightmare come true, then Mr Barraclough shouted from the pub, “Ay up, Ruby, it’s nearly dinnertime. Stop prattling with that big lad – next thing you know you’ll be wearing his clown shoes.”
Ruby started pulling on Matilda’s lead. “I’d better go before he sees his socks that Matilda ate.”
Ruby and Matilda tore off towards The Blind Pig.
I looked at the note. I suppose it’s like a threatening letter. I’ve never had one of those before.
What does Beverley know?
She can’t know about the thing that even I have forgotten about.
Can she?
Anyway, I’m not going to be blackmailed by the Bottomleys.
I’ve got my own little gang. The Tree Sisters. Wait till I tell them about the note.
Except that I can’t tell them about the note because then I’d have to tell them about the thing that I can’t remember.
And that even if I could remember I wouldn’t mention it to myself. I’ll keep the letter from Beverley as evidence, in case of an unexpected pie attack by the Bottomleys.
To cheer myself up after the horrid letter, I thought I’d go back and get my Darkly Demanding Damson Diary from its secret hiding place, and look at my ideas and notes from last term.
I calmed down a bit as I looked over all the notes I’d made. Here are my poems and short stories. Ooooh, I’d forgotten about writing The Daughter of Fang.
And here are some sketches for my dance tribute to Withering Tights.
Oh, teehee, here’s a sketch of Dr Lightowler.
In the name of Baby Jesus’s nostrils, she has got ENORMOUS glasses on. Perched on the end of her beak. I don’t know why she’s taken against me so much. Ho hummity hum.
I’ll put Beverley’s letter in my secret hiding place right at the back.
Oooh – here’s the James Bond book that Dad gave me. He said, “Best you learn the real facts of life” and I had read it last term, and re-enacted a corker-holding scene
Talking of corkers, Cousin Georgia said she could certainly see signs of life in my T-shirt when I ran for the bus. And in fact, as a celebration, she bought me a special packet of crisps that are actually called ‘Corkers’. It said on the packet, ‘Hand-cooked in sunflower oil, we’re sure you agree that Corkers are another great British tradition in the making.’
I’ve got Georgia’s Ace Gang ‘snogging scale’ in here somewhere.
I’ve stuck it in on a page right in the middle of my diary underneath a picture of the Dalai Lama. Although the Ace Gang’s snogging scale doesn’t really fit with mine, so far. I’ve written mine on the next page.
It’s called ‘Lullah’s Lulu-luuuve List’.
This is it:
1. Hand resting
(A friend of my brother’s put his hand on my bottom at the bus stop and when I said ‘what are you doing?’, he said his hand was tired and he was resting it.)
2. Corker-holder release
(On the bus, the same boy undid my corker holder. And I had to sit there jiggling about, as the tissues that I’d put in it for extra corker-ness worked their way into my armpits.)
3. Bat kiss
(Floppy Ben from Woolfe Academy kissed me after we went to see ‘Night of the Vampire Bats’ and tried to put his tongue in my mouth. And it felt like a bit in the film when a bat was trapped in someone’s mouth, just barging around.)
4. Nose-licking
(Cain licked a hailstone off my nose. I can’t discuss this.)
5. Proper kiss possibly lasting two minutes, with additional praise for knees
(Boy (Charlie) kissed me really nicely so that I felt wobbly and he also said he liked my knees.)
6. Cain Hinchcliff came up unexpectedly on the moorland path and he … and he … ooooh, proper kiss, lip nibbling and tongues
(Oh Holy Mother of God, bless me for I have sinned. With the Dark Black Crow of Heckmondwhite.)
It was already dark when the Dobbins came back.
I was in my squirrel room and heard heavy breathing outside my door.
Dibdobs whispered, “Do you know who’s in there, boys? Shall we knock on the door and see who answers it?”
One of the twins said, “Eth.”
There was knocking near the bottom of my door. I got up and opened it.
The lunatic twins were in their fun-fur hats in the shape of otter heads. And sucking on their dodies. They looked at me and then both grabbed