A flyer for Vidal Sassoon salon in Mayfair fluttered down to the floor. I picked it up. ‘Models Wanted. Free haircuts.’ It sounded perfect as I was thinking I could do with a new style for the new job. I phoned and booked my free cut for Thursday, 3.30 p.m., after the early shift finished.
Thursday was uneventful on the front desk and I arrived keen and eager at the hairdresser’s. I signed the consent form, rather chuffed to be having my hair cut at a place I would never usually be able to afford. I skimmed the small print and sat down, unconcerned. It’s only hair, right? It grows back.
My hair was shoulder-length with layers of rotten half curls, hanging limp at the ends. It was time to shed the remnants of a shaggy perm. I needed a new look. Being out of uniform meant no more pinning it up beneath a police hat and it could fly free.
Hairdressers from all over the world came to Vidal Sassoon to be trained and to learn new techniques. A male hairdresser from Chicago was assigned to me, under the guidance of Gideon, his tutor.
‘Perfect!’ said Gideon. ‘And you’ve agreed the terms? That we can do whatever we like? And take pictures to use in advertising if we so wish?’
‘Oh yes, I’m quite looking forward to it,’ I smiled.
He didn’t smile back. ‘As long as you’re prepared. There’s no going back. And no suing us.’
‘Absolutely,’ I nodded, a tad too trusting.
The two men tugged and pulled my hair and entered a technical discussion that was beyond my ken. I started to feel a bit concerned as they discussed how my hair needed treatment to gain back lustre.
I glanced to my left and saw a beautiful girl in her early twenties with long blonde hair and symmetrical features. She could have been a model. Might have been a model. A real one. I felt a tingling creeping up the back of my neck when I saw her hairdresser take a razor to her head. She was being scalped! It was only then it dawned on me that I wasn’t going to be given a conventional cut. Oh dear. Could I take my leave?
When I came back from an intense conditioning treatment, my pretty neighbour was all-over bald. I could have cried for her. I couldn’t understand why she was smiling. Maybe she wanted a total change. Maybe she had been given a modelling job, or was an actress that needed a bald head for the part? Maybe she had cancer and wanted it cut off before it fell out?
I felt uncomfortable as I glanced away and out of the window. I noticed two of my uniformed colleagues talking to a motorist who did not look happy. I shrank further down in my chair, hoping they wouldn’t glance in and see me.
A rumpus erupted outside and the suspect ended up with his arms behind his back, handcuffed.
My hairdresser picked up his scissors and watched the commotion. ‘I see cops are the same on both sides of the pond, honey,’ he drawled.
‘Mmm.’
‘Too many innocent motorists getting popped when these guys should be out catching real criminals,’ he said, chopping a wedge from my hair.
‘Mmm!’ I didn’t like the way this conversation was going.
‘At least your cops don’t have guns, like ours.’ Chop. Chop.
‘No, that’s a good thing,’ I agreed, glad of something positive to say.
‘You’d think they’d have better things to do than hassle people parking for too long. Not as if he’s an armed robber, is it?’ Chop. Snip. Hack.
I bit the inside of my lip. Who knew what they were arresting him for? He might have committed murder for all we knew.
‘Who would do a job like that? Sick in the head if you ask me.’
I didn’t ask him but maybe I was sick in the head – for agreeing to be a patsy for a hairdresser from a fancy salon.
‘So honey, what is it you do?’ he asked.
Wide-eyed and impotent, I looked back at him from the mirror in front of me. I tried not to notice my depleting locks. ‘Oh, I work in an office. Just around the corner. Boring, nothing exciting,’ I spurted out, coward-like and quivering.
‘Let’s see if we can liven up your life a little then, yeah? I think a streak of purple at the front with a long fringe hanging to the side. Short at the back.’
I tried to avoid looking out of the window. I didn’t want anyone to recognise me and wave. I didn’t fancy being a baldy or having any other revenge cut by someone who loathed the police.
I was relieved when I saw the van pull up and take the prisoner away. I relaxed a little, until I looked in the mirror. What the hell had I agreed to?
I left the salon with dark purple hair, which I had to admit was better than one streak, but I’d certainly stand out working undercover with this colour. I doubted my boss would be happy. It was chopped short at the back and the hairline was cut fashionably raggy, according to Gideon. I had a long pointed fringe that hung down to the right but as I’d forever had a right-hand parting, never a left, it felt odd. I didn’t suit my hair hanging down and for years I’d worn it behind my ears, not in front. If I were little instead of large, I’d have looked like an elf.
The salon photographer had taken a couple of pictures and I have no idea if any were ever used. I’ve never had the stomach to look in any hairdressing magazines.
The next day I took a trip to my regular salon and had it tidied up, which is what I should have done in the first instance.
Therein lie a couple more of life’s lessons:
1) Sometimes it’s necessary to lie and 2) there’s no such thing as a free haircut.
House bugs and other nasty things
There is so much to learn when working undercover, aside from surveillance techniques. Of course I’m not going to reveal tactics and practical working methods, though I’ll let you into some of the more interesting aspects of the job. But first, before any of that, there is a huge amount of law and protocol to understand and adhere to. If you don’t know it, you can’t work with it.
RIPA, The Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act, 2000, governs the use of covert (undercover) operations. Prior to RIPA, 2000, permission for such jobs fell under different regulations, but today these operations require the highest authority. Chief constables are vested with the power to authorise officers to use directed surveillance, to tap phones, intercept mail and email, to put bugs in houses, cameras in offices and so on. It has to be necessary and either in the interests of national security, for the prevention and detection of crime, or to prevent disorder or otherwise in the interests of public safety. There are other reasons but these are the main reasons police use such operations.
Chief constables delegate to high-ranking senior officers, normally the head of the crime department, a commander or chief superintendent, or whoever the relevant force policy dictates at the time. The sorts of offences investigated using covert surveillance are serious crime such as murder, paedophile rings, high-scale drug dealing, major fraud, armed robbery and national security. It can prove and disprove someone’s guilt. It’s expensive and time consuming, the operations long and arduous. And it doesn’t always bring results. Before resorting to covert surveillance methods evidence should be gathered another way, if at all possible.
Barristers and judges are, as you would expect, hot on RIPA and the use of it. It has to be sound, justified and significant. It will be tested in the courtroom and evidence will be dismissed if it hasn’t been gathered and recorded correctly. There is no room for error.
Specialist officers are assigned to plant the bugs, cameras and other devices. Justifying the expense is a major headache for the budget holders and, of course, it is a factor that influences decision-making. The easiest, and probably cheapest, method is a phone tap.