‘Stop in the name of pants!’. Louise Rennison

yes, but—”

      â€œI displayed magnanimosity, which isn’t something everyone can say. But I did it because I luuurve you. A LOT.”

      â€œOK, don’t go on.”

      â€œYou are not ashamed of our luuurve, are you, Jas?”

      â€œLook, shut up. People might hear.”

      â€œWhat do you mean, the people who live in the telephone?”

      â€œNO, I mean, anyway, what’s happened?”

      â€œI’ve got a postcard from Masimo and we have to call an extraordinary general meeting of the Ace Gang.”

      â€œOh no.”

      â€œOh yes.”

      In the park

      2:00 p.m.

      Naaaice and sunny. I wore my denim miniskirt and halter neck and some groovy sandals. I will have to do something with my legs, though, because they give me the droop, they are so pale. Rosie had some eye-catching shorts on; they had pictures of Viking helmets all over them. She said, “Sven had them specially printed in my honour. Groovy, aren’t they?”

      I said, “That is one word for them.”

      Rosie said, “Sven has got his first dj-ing job next weekend and I am going to be his groupie. You all have to come.”

      Ten minutes later

      We settled down in the shade underneath the big chestnut tree by the swings. The bees were singing and the birds a-buzzing, dogs scampering around, people eating ice creams, toddlers sticking ice creams in their eyes by mistake etc. A lovely, lovely summer afternoon, ideal to sort out the game of luuurve.

      We had just passed round the chuddie and decided for Ellen where she should sit after about eight minutes of: “Well, erm, I should sit in the shade really, don’t you think, because of the ultraviolet, but, erm, what about, erm, not like getting the sun and then like maybe not getting enough vitamin D because that would be, like, not great. Or something.”

      Finally she sat with her top part in the shade and her legs sticking in the sun because we told her no one had ever got cancer of the knees. Which might or might not be true, but sometimes (in fact, very often, in my experience) lying is the best policy. Especially if you can’t be arsed talking about something boring any more.

      One minute later

      I don’t know why I bother lying because Ellen has gone off to the loos to run her wrists under cold water so she doesn’t get sunstroke of the arms.

      Jas still hasn’t turned up. I wonder if she has progressed to number six on the hump scale and is doing pretend deafnosity?

      Thirty seconds later

      The Ace Gang started talking about the camping trip and sneaking out to see the lads at night.

      Mabs said, “I had a go at snogging with Edward.”

      Jools said, “What was it like?”

      Mabs chewed and popped and said, “Quite groovy. We did four and then a spot of five.”

      I said, “Oh, so you missed out four and a half as well. I said I thought it was a WUBBISH idea that Mrs Newt Knickers came up with. Who apart from her and Tom would do hand snogging?”

      Mabs said, “What do you mean ‘as well’?”

      I said, “What do you mean ‘What do you mean as well?’”

      Mabs put her face really close to mine. “Georgia, you said, and forgive me if I’m right, ‘Oh, so you missed out four and a half as well.’ Which means, ‘Oh, so you missed out four and a half as well AS ME.’ Meaning you must have missed out four and a half with someone. The only someone around was Dave the Laugh.”

      Uh-oh, my red-herringnosity skills were letting me down.

      Mabs was going on and on like Jas’s little helper. “So what did you get up to with Dave the Laugh by the river?”

      I said in a casualosity-at-all-times sort of way, “Ah well, I’m glad you asked me that. Because suspicionosity is the enemy of friendshipnosity. The simple truth is that Dave and I were playing, erm, tig. Yes, and I accidentally fell in a stream and then I went back to my tent because I was, er, wet.”

      Rosie said, “You and Dave were playing tig. I see. One moment. I must give this some serious thought. Luckily I have my pipe.”

      Oh no.

      Two minutes later

      Good Lord, I am being interrogated by Inspector Bonkers of the Yard.

      The inspector (i.e. Rosie with her pipe and beard on) continued, “You expect us to believe that you and Dave the Laugh gambolled around the woods playing a little game of tig?”

      I said, “Yes.”

      Rosie said, “You are, it has to be said, my little chumlet, even dimmer than you look.”

      Ellen came back then, just in the knickers of time. I smiled at her and said in a lighthearted but menacing way, “You haven’t told us about Declan. It is Ace Gang rules that we do sharesies about snogging.”

      Rosie and Mabs raised their eyebrows at me, but I ignorez-voused them.

      Ellen heaved herself into her Dithermobile and said, “Well, Declan showed, well, he showed me something and—”

      Inspector Bonkers of the Yard winked, sucked on her pipe and went, “Ay ay.”

      Ellen went even redder and more dithery.

      â€œNo, I mean, it was his Swiss Army knife.”

      Inspector Bonkers got out a pretend notebook. “All right. So you looked at his knife and then did you snog?”

      Ellen said, “Well, when we were, like, leaving to go back to camp – he gave me a number three and then—”

      â€œThen quickly went on to number four.”

      â€œWell, no, he…”

      â€œHe missed out number four and went straight for the nungas?”

      â€œNo, well, he – he, like, he said, he said, ‘See you later.’”

      Oh dear God, we were once more in the land of S’later. Will we never be free?

      One minute later

      But at least it stopped anyone going on about the Dave the Laugh fiasco.

      One minute later

      Jas turned up. She looked quite nice actually, if you like that mad fringey look. She said, “I was just talking to Tom on the phone. He’s playing footie this arvie with the lads. He’s got some new boots.”

      I said, “No!! Honestly!”

      And she gave me a huffty look. I don’t want to have more rambling lectures from her, so I went and gave her a hug and a piece of chuddie.

      Anyway, we had just settled down and I’d got out my postcard from Masimo to show the gang, when Jools said, “Oh God,