guests’ jampanfn4 bearers, who were squatting by the front verandah. We paused for a lustful grapple among the deodars before mounting the steps to the side verandah – and dammit, there was a light in my room, and the sound of a bearer hawking and shuffling within. I stood nonplussed while my charmer (a Mrs Madison, I think) munched on my ear and tore at my buttons, and at that moment some interesting Oriental came round the corner of the house, expectorating hugely, and without thinking I whisked her through the door next to mine, closing it softly.
It proved to be the billiard-room – dark, empty and smelling of clergymen, and since my little flirt now had my pants round my ankles and was trying to plumb my depths, I decided it would have to do. The diners would be beating their plates for hours yet, and Gough hadn’t the look of a pool-shark, somehow, but caution and delicacy forbade our galloping on the open floor, and since there were little curtains between the legs of the table …
There ain’t as much deck clearance under a billiard table as you might suppose, but after a cramped and feverish partial disrobing we settled down to play fifty up. And Mrs Madison proved to be a most expert tease, tittering mischievously and spinning things out, so that we must have been everywhere from beneath the baulk to the top cushion and back before I had her trapped by the middle pockets and was able to give of my best. And after she had subsided with tremulous whimpers, and I had got my breath back, it seemed quite cosy, don’t you know, and we whispered and played in the stuffy dark, myself drowsy and she giggling at what a frolic it was, and I was beginning to consider a return fixture when Sale decided he’d like a game of billiards.
I thought I was sent for. The door crashed open, light shone through the curtains, bearers came scurrying in to remove the cover and light the table candles, heavy footsteps sounded, men’s voices laughing and talking, and old Bob crying: ‘This way, Sir Hugh … your highness. Now, what shall it be? A round game or sides, hey?’
Their legs were vague shadows beyond the curtains as I bundled Mrs Madison to the centre – and the abandoned trot was positively shaking with laughter! I hissed soundlessly in her ear, and we lay half-clad and quivering, she with mirth and I with fright, while the talk and laughter and clatter of cues sounded horrid close overhead. Of all the damned fixes! But there was nothing for it but to lie doggo, praying we didn’t sneeze or have the conniptions.
I’ve had similar experiences since – under a sofa on which Lord Cardigan was paying court to his second wife, beneath a dago president’s four-poster (that’s how I won the San Serafino Order of Purity and Truth), and one shocking time in Russia when discovery meant certain death. But the odd thing is, quaking as you are, you find yourself eavesdropping for dear life; I lay with one ear between Mrs Madison’s paps, and the other taking it all in – and it’s worth recounting, for it was frontier gossip from our head men, and will help you understand what followed.
In no time I knew who was in the room: Gough, and Sale, and a pimpish affected lisp which could belong only to the German princeling, the pulpit growl of old Gravedigger Havelock (who’d ha’ thought that he’d frequent pool-rooms?), and the high, arrogant Scotch burr that announced the presence of my old Afghan chum George Broadfoot, now exalted as Agent for the North-west Frontier.11 He was in full complaint, as usual:
‘… and Calcutta rebukes me for taking a high hand with the Maharani and her drunken durbar! I must not provoke them, says Hardinge. Provoke, indeed – while they run raids on us, and ignore my letters, and seduce our sepoys! Half the brothel bints in Ludhiana are Sikh agents, offering our jawansfn5 double pay to desert to the Khalsa.’
‘Double for infantry, six-fold for sowars,’fn6 says Sale. ‘Temptin’, what?12 Spot or plain, prince?’
‘Spot, if you please. But do many of your native soldiers desert, then?’
‘Och, a few.’ This was Gough, in his pig-sty brogue. ‘Mind you, if ever the Khalsa invaded, God knows how many might jump on what they thought was the winnin’ nag. Or refuse to fight agin’ fellow-Injuns.’
The pills clicked, and the prince says: ‘But the British will always be the winning side. Why, all India holds your army invincible.’ There was a long pause, then Broadfoot says:
‘Not since Afghanistan. We went in like lions and came out like sheep – and India took note. Who knows what might follow a Sikh invasion? Mutiny? It’s possible. A general revolt –’
‘Oh, come!’ cries the prince. ‘A Sikh invasion would be promptly repelled, surely! Is that not so, Sir Hugh?’
More pill-clicking, and then Gough says: ‘Put it this way, sorr. If John Sepoy turned tail – which I don’t believe, mind – I’d be left wi’ our British regiments alone agin’ one hunnert t’ousand of the best fightin’ fellows in India – European trained, mark’ee, wi’ modern arms … How many do I get for a cannon, will ye tell me? Two? Mother o’ God, is it worth it? Well, here goes.’ Click. ‘Damnation, me eyes is failin’. As I was sayin’, your highness – I wouldn’t have to make too many mistakes, now, would I?’
‘But if there is such danger – why do you not march into the Punjab now, and nip it in the bud?’
Another long silence, then Broadfoot: ‘Breach of treaty if we did – and conquest isn’t popular in England, since Sind.13 No doubt it’ll come to that in the end – and Hardinge knows it, for all he says British India’s big enough already. But the Sikhs must strike first, you see, and Sir Hugh’s right – that’s our moment of peril, when they’re south of the Sutlej in force, and our own sepoys may join ’em. If we struck first, treaty or not, and tackled the Khalsa in the Punjab, our stock would rise with the sepoys, they wouldn’t waver, and we’d win hands down. We’d have to stay, in a territory London don’t want – but India would be safe from Muslim invasion forever. A nice, circular problem, is it not?’
The prince says thoughtfully: ‘Sir Henry Hardinge has a dilemma, it seems.’
‘That’s why he waits,’ says Sale, ‘in the faint hope that the present Lahore government will restore stability.’
‘Meanwhile reproving me and hindering Sir Hugh, in case we “provoke” Lahore,’ says Broadfoot. ‘“Armed observation” – that’s to be our ticket.’
Mrs Madison gave a gentle snore, and I whipped my hand over her mouth, pinching her nostrils.
‘What’s that?’ says a voice overhead. ‘Did you hear it?’
There was silence, while I trembled on the verge of heart failure, and then Sale says:
‘Those dam’ geckoes.fn7 Your shot, Sir Hugh.’
If that wasn’t enough, Mrs Madison, now awake, put her lips to my ear: ‘When will they leave off? I am ever so cold.’ I made silent frantic motions, and she thrust her tongue in my ear, so that I missed the next exchange. But I’d heard enough to be sure of one thing – however pacific Hardinge’s intentions, war was an odds-on certainty. I don’t mean that Broadfoot was ready to start it himself, but he’d jump at the chance if the Sikhs gave him one – and so no doubt would most of our Army folk; it’s a soldier’s business, after all. And by the sound of it the Khalsa were ready to oblige – and when they did, I’d be in the middle, galloper to a general who led not only from the front but from the middle of the enemy’s blasted army, given the chance. But the prince was talking again, and I strained my ears, trying to ignore Mrs Madison, who was burrowing underneath me, for warmth, presumably.
‘But may Sir Henry not be right? Surely there is some Sikh noble capable of restoring order and tranquillity – this Maharani, for example … Chunda? Jinda?’
‘Jeendan,’ says Broadfoot. ‘She’s a hoor.’ They had to translate for the prince, who perked up at once.
‘Indeed? One hears astonishing stories. They say she is of incomparable beauty, and … ah … insatiable appetite …?’
‘Ye’ve heard of Messalina?’ says