“I thought you hated hot dogs,” Derek commented as they headed across the grass toward the vendor in the middle of the Common. The old man lifted up the metal lid on his cart, sending a stream of steam into the air.
Nate pulled out his wallet and picked out several singles. “No, I just normally refuse to eat them because I know what’s in them. But I don’t hate them.”
“Oh, that makes sense,” Derek said, tucking his books under his arm so he could balance two more hot dogs and a soda can as he headed to the nearest bench. Nate followed with his own lunch.
“Nobody’s making any sense these days. Why should I?” Nate asked belligerently, taking a huge bite of his hot dog. It was good.
“As a matter of fact, you are acting weird. You haven’t even asked me how class was or if you’re getting your money’s worth of tuition, the way I used to always ask you. And you haven’t reminded me that Thursday is three days away, so not to piss away my money until you come by to give me a check. And you haven’t mocked me on my choice of food. You haven’t gotten on my case about anything for five whole minutes. It’s a record for you. And to top it off, you, the original creature of habit, didn’t want to go to our usual restaurant.” Derek paused, seemingly lost in thought. Then he looked closely at Nate. “Okay, mister. Who are you and what have you done with Nathan Bennington?”
Nate couldn’t even laugh. “I’m fine. There’s nothing wrong with me. It’s the rest of the world that’s gone crazy.”
“Define ‘the rest of the world.’ Who, for example, is going crazy?”
“Josey, for a start.”
“She’s always crazy, isn’t she? That’s what we all like about her. What’s she been up to? Last time she—”
“I’ll tell you how she is,” Nate interrupted. “She’s gone off the deep end. She’s like a damn cat in heat. Sorry that sounds crude.”
Derek threw back his head and laughed. “I encourage crude. Cat in heat? Why?” He lowered his voice. “Are you saying she made some kind of move on you? Because if she did, I say it’s about ti—”
“Me? Not me. This has nothing to do with me. We’re friends.” Nate’s agitation level moved up still another notch. “She’s on this mission.”
“Mission?” Derek took a long swig of soda.
“Yeah, she’s on a mission to find the man of her dreams.”
“So what? She’s single. She’s a babe, in case you haven’t noticed. She’s got every right to find the man of her dreams.”
Nate hastily filled Derek in on the details of Josey’s perfect-man, perfect-family plan, feeling more and more aggravated with each additional word. When he got to his date-screening assignment, he was even more peeved by Derek’s loud burst of laughter.
“Nate, she’s got you figured out, that’s for sure. It’s kind of funny, actually.”
“No, it’s not funny. It’s really not funny when I’m standing at the other end of the video store, pretending not to know her while some slob she’s hitting on is drooling all over her in the foreign films section.”
His brother studied his face. “Don’t you think you’re getting a little too worked up about this? It’s probably some kind of phase. She’ll slow down. She’s a smart lady. She knows she can’t find a husband in a month, especially when she’s actively searching one out. Just go along with her for a while until she tires of this.”
“I am going along with her insane little crusade. It’s enough to make you sick. You’re right. She is a very intelligent woman. So when I see her looking at men like they’re meat in a butcher shop, it’s—it’s embarrassing. And disgusting.”
“I think you’re making a big thing out of nothing.”
Nate turned to watch a police horse clop by, its head bobbing with pride. “Maybe I am. It was driving me nuts all day yesterday. But why should I be so upset? It’s her life, after all.”
“That’s right.” Derek crumpled up the two pieces of wax paper that came with his hot dogs. “In fact,” he said slowly, “maybe instead of criticizing Josey’s idea, you should take a cue from her.”
Nate’s head snapped around to catch a glimpse of Derek’s boyish, troublemaker’s grin. “And what’s that supposed to mean, oh older-and-always-wiser brother of mine?”
“Simple. Maybe you should start looking for someone to make you happy.”
“Who says I’m not happy?”
Derek shrugged. “Well, I just think—”
“Besides,” Nate interrupted, “I’m busy.” He stood, an abrupt movement that shook the bench. He waited a second for Derek to get up, too, then turned and started down the longer path to the station, where he could catch the T back to his downtown office. Derek fell into step beside him, the rubber soles of his sneakers silencing his footfalls, while Nate’s loafer heels announced his.
“Yeah, you’re busy, all right,” Derek said in a mocking tone. “Busy taking care of everybody. Protecting the world from bad guys, not to mention trying to protect me from malnutrition and burnout. You’re trying like hell to take care of Josey, too, and you’re annoyed she doesn’t listen to your wisdom. You’re so busy taking care of everyone else on this planet you have no time for you. Or for a girlfriend. Is that it?”
“I’d say that’s pretty close, yeah. Girlfriends are a lot of work.”
“You love work.”
“No, Derek. What I mean is, every thirty-year-old woman out there is looking for a commitment. Now Josey is part of that group, too. I don’t want to get involved in that mess. I don’t want all that.”
“Is that true?”
“Yes, it is true. I don’t want a family. I don’t want children. I refuse to have children. And what’s more, you of all people ought to understand the reason for that.”
Derek moved off the path then, to where some fraternity-type guys were playing baseball on a fenced-in Little League field. Nate followed, and leaned on the fence next to his brother. He kept his eyes on the game but directed his comments to Nate. “Can’t you let it go? It’s over, Nate. It’s been over for years. Dad can’t hurt us now.”
“You’re wrong. Dad’s not here, but we’re still his blood. And deep down, we’re like him, dammit. We think we’re not, but we are. It’s inborn.”
“No, Nate. We’re different from him. We chose to leave. I went through it all, too. He was wrong, he was a horrible person. But he was him. I’m me, and I can choose to be a good person. So can you. Don’t deny yourself a life because you think you’re like him. You can have a wife, a family—”
“I’m through talking about this, Derek. Maybe you should study psychology and other forms of brain scrambling instead of news reporting.”
Derek faced him then, and his voice became a little sharper, a little harder. “You’re not like him,” he repeated. “And look what you’re doing to yourself. You’re letting this get in the way of you and Josey.”
Nate found it difficult to stare into the only pair of eyes that had seen what he had. He sighed and moved to the path again. They walked in silence for a few minutes before he said, “You’re right. Maybe that’s it. To be honest, I thought of that earlier today. I’m jealous of Josey chasing this dream of hers. It’s a normal dream, a normal goal everyone has, and I’m jealous because it’s something I can’t have.”
“That’s not really what I mean.”
They arrived at the Green Line T stop, and Nate fished in his pocket for change. “What do you mean?”