She’s down here to see me. The first visit since my separation.
‘We’ve got pasta for dinner. Is that OK?’
‘Lovely,’ she says. ‘I suppose this is what they call a bachelor pad – spinster pad doesn’t have the same ring, does it?’
‘No.’
‘Though technically, you’re not a spinster.’
‘Divorcee pad doesn’t sound any better.’
‘You’re not divorced. There’s still time to make it up. Sam might be close to adulthood, but he still needs his mother. This flat’s nice but wouldn’t you rather be home?’
‘It’s not an option.’
The kettle boils. I pour a little into the mug for Audrey’s tea and the rest into a pan for the linguine.
‘Have you spoken to Sam yet?’ she asks.
I see his face twisted in disgust. You’re a whore. I hate you.
‘I think he needs more time, Mum.’
‘Patching things up with your husband would be a good start.’
‘I’ve told you, that’s not going to happen.’
I filch the tea bag from Audrey’s mug, put the milk in and hand it to her. Her nose wrinkles a fraction.
‘I don’t have a teapot, Mum,’ I say.
She says nothing, takes the tea, rests it on her lap and tips her head to one side. I know what’s coming.
‘I still don’t know what you were thinking, Julia?’
‘Don’t start,’ I say.
I plunge the linguine into the water and start slicing some tomatoes.
‘If you said you’re sorry – that it was a mistake …’
‘I’m not sorry. It wasn’t worth it because it’s made Sam hate me. I told you, my marriage was over years ago.’
‘And what about him – this Hugh person – did you think about him and his wife? How do you think she felt?’
In truth it wasn’t until Hugh’s wife confronted me in the lobby at work – What sort of woman was I? Did I really think I could break up their marriage, fifteen years and three children? – that I remember crying similar tears years ago over Christian, when he betrayed me. Her face showed anger, but also fear that her husband would leave. I’d forgotten that some women love their husbands. That not all marriages are a slow tussle of one person imposing their will on another, seeing how much the other can bear. This woman loved Hugh. Only then did I feel ashamed.
‘You could start over, afresh. I’m sure he’d take you back. Say that you were feeling neglected, you wanted to make sure you’re still desirable,’ Audrey says. ‘All women feel like that at your age. We just don’t …’
She raises her eyes to the ceiling and searches for the words. I decide to help.
‘Just don’t shag your son’s rugby coach,’ I say.
‘Have affairs,’ she says firmly. ‘You think you’re being very modern, don’t you, Julia? When ninety-nine per cent of your marital problems are down to your attitude. If your husband was neglectful, it’s because you made it clear you don’t need him. You’re so masculine.’
‘Remind me to shave my beard off.’
‘And sarcastic.’
‘You’re feminine, Mum, always let Robert rule the roost. How did that work out for you? Is he still changing secretaries every few years?’
She ignores my dig.
‘What I’m saying is, all marriages go through rough patches. Often much more serious than yours. You can both get through this.’
‘Neither of us want to get through this. We’ve not been happy for years, and anyway he’s found someone else.’
‘Who?’
‘Plain Jane.’
‘Well you’re definitely in with a chance of getting him back. You’ve still got your looks. My genes, no need to thank me. Though a little make-up wouldn’t go amiss. You should be making more effort now you’re separated, not less.’
I smile. ‘Jane’s not really plain,’ I say. ‘I just call her that because she’s so boring. I think they were seeing each other before.’
‘Maybe you should try being a little more boring. It’s all very well being a career girl—’
‘No one’s used that expression since 1979. In the same way that no one says “lady doctor”.’
‘So what am I supposed to call female doctors?’
‘Doctors?’
‘You’ve got an answer for everything, haven’t you, Julia? I don’t know why you always have to be so hard on me.’
‘Not as hard as you are on me. Sam’s going to grow up hardly knowing who you are, the amount you work. Is it any wonder your husband’s had enough? I’m not taking your side in all this.’
‘They’re called home truths,’ she says. ‘And I may be hard on you but at least I don’t sneer.’
‘I—’
Audrey raises a hand.
‘Don’t deny it. Poor Mum, the little woman at home in the kitchen who gets into a tizzy if her husband’s dinner’s not warm enough and worries that her windows aren’t as clean as next door’s.’
‘That’s not true,’ I say.
‘And it’s not just the words I use or being a housewife. It’s everything. Oh, she reads Joanna Trollope and Maeve Binchy, while you’re reading something with no plot that’s won a prize, thinking it makes you clever.’
‘I like those books.’
‘Well I like Maeve Binchy and Joanna Trollope. There’s nothing wrong with them.’
‘I never said there was.’
‘No, but I see you smirking every time I pick one up. It’s the same with television or even the curtains. If I was clever and educated, I’d like better television and have better curtains. Well, where’s your cleverness got you? Halfway to a divorce and relying on a handout from your stepfather to put a roof over your head. And you look down at me for not being independent.’
‘Touché.’
‘And why haven’t you got any money after all your years working?’
‘Sam has to stay in the house, and I have to help pay for it and Sam’s upkeep.’
‘No savings?’
‘Sam’s starting university soon.’
‘He can’t cost that much. I know you’re at fault …’
‘Yeah, we covered that.’
‘But you should be able to live decently. What would you have done if I hadn’t been able to lend you the money for the deposit?’
‘You did, and I’m doing OK.’
I go to the stove. The pasta’s turned to mush. I hold up the soggy mess. Audrey shakes her head. Another example of my domestic ineptitude.
Audrey looks out of the window. It’s clear tonight and the lights of the City outline its buildings against the inky sky.
‘I suppose when Sam does leave home, you’ll get your share of the house,’ she says.
‘Hmm,’ I say.
After