grinning. Just the sight of Adam’s sweet smile and the radically diminished size of his otherwise egg-large eyes under the thick-lens glasses makes her feel instantly better. He is wearing a woollen sleeveless jumper, like he does whatever the weather, and the collar of his shirt is thin and un-ironed and poking out of the top. He is skinny and into computer programs and indie rock and there isn’t anyone else at their school much like him. Most boys at their school wear the same brand of everything, making choosing a different colour their sole mark of personality.
‘Sight for sore eyes and all that,’ he says.
‘And you. That’s a particularly thin collar you’re wearing this evening. I assume you’re on the pull?’
‘That’s a particularly large number of necklaces around your neck. Selling them for spare change?’
‘Bitch,’ she says, and they both laugh. ‘Seriously, why didn’t you tell me you were coming to this thing? You knew I was.’
‘Thought I’d leave you dangling over the abyss.’
‘The abyss sucks.’
‘Well here I am now. Massive party times.’ He says it deadpan and she laughs.
‘Who do you know here?’
‘Who don’t I know.’
‘Seriously?’
‘Natalie. We used to go in the paddling pool together. When we were five.’
‘And you swapped digits and stayed in touch?’
‘Actually we are still mates. She’s a gamer.’
‘Adam, you can’t use that word any more. She’s a homosexual.’
‘Well played, Shawcross. Got the gay/gamer gag in before midnight. Who did you come with?’
‘Mary.’
‘Yeah, I mean who does Mary know?’
‘A guy called Brendan.’
‘That prick?’ Adam nods toward Brendan, who is finding it a challenge to add an extra turn-up to the bottom of his jeans because his hair keeps getting in the way. ‘I don’t know why she bothers.’
‘You’re just jealous.’
She says it as a joke but a shadow passes across Adam’s face before his face breaks into a smile. ‘Yeah, you’re right. I want the floppy hair but sadly mine stays out of my eyes on its own.’
‘You can get hair products that’ll make sure it stays in your eyes.’
‘I’ve tried them all. They do nothing for me.’
Adam offers her a drink from a clear glass bottle. Becky sniffs it suspiciously.
‘It’s a bit of everything. A mongrel spirit, like myself.’
‘I’ll try anything once.’
Becky takes a swig, and then another. Any hunger, nausea and nerves dissolve like sugar in hot tea and soon she is smiling at Adam, thank God for Adam, feeling warmer, better, looser, so much more herself.
‘Technically you’re trying everything once, when you drink that,’ he says.
‘Did you put that orange one in there?’ She feels her fingers tingle and her spirits lift a little higher so she drinks more of this disgusting, glorious, magical medicine.
‘If it was in my mum’s cabinet, I decanted it.’
‘That’s genuinely the worst cocktail I’ve ever tried.’
‘That’s crushing, given you only usually drink in London’s finest cocktail bars. Another swallow? Go wild.’
‘I probably shouldn’t drink too much more. I said I’d take a pill with Mary.’
‘Oh my God, you’re so cool.’
‘Don’t be judgy.’
‘No, really, Becky. I was going to go home early but now I want to see you do the special MDMA dancing.’
‘Thank you for your support.’
‘Always.’
‘Do you want to do it with us?’
‘Obviously I’d join you if it didn’t mean associating myself with a group of people that look like a manufactured popular music band.’
‘Popular music? Your snobbery knows no bounds. Anyway, Brendan’s wearing a Lemonheads T-shirt. You two might completely love each other if you got to know each other.’
‘That’s my greatest fear of doing pills.’
‘Not dehydrating and dying?’
‘That’d be fine. But, no, it’s telling Brendan he’s actually a really great guy. Chills me to the core.’
Becky laughs again. They smile at each other, Adam holding her gaze a split second too long. Not long enough to necessarily interpret as anything more than a minor rest in their conversation, but also not short enough to be entirely sure that this is what’s going on. It happens between them sometimes. But it’s OK. It’s acceptable. Largely ignorable.
He breaks the spell with a change in smile. ‘You’ll be fine. Just keep the ambulance on speed dial. Ciao and all that.’ He swings on his heel to leave her.
‘Wait,’ she says. ‘How about a movie night next week? Back to the Future, popcorn, I can smuggle some beers from my dad. My house?’
‘Sure,’ he says, without turning round. ‘That would be fine. Enjoy the party and … just be careful none of them miss their footing and fall on you. Those are some beefy public school types you’re hanging out with now. Scrum down, Shawcross.’
Becky finds some beers on a side table, gets drunk, and watches other people get drunk. She grasps her bottle and tells herself that she can see how alcohol floods the systems of the people around her, making their movements looser, sloppier and more animated. One girl slams her palms against the chest of a boy far taller than her and although she looks angry and sad, he is laughing as he tries to bring her round to his way of thinking. He draws her to him and she thumps his chest with her fists until she gives up and curls into him, laughing.
A girl with corkscrew hair sways and gyrates like no one is watching, or something like that. Becky feels both embarrassed and jealous, watching her dance like she is at a warehouse rave, weaving her arms in between strips of blue and green light.
Mary is talking to Brendan who is standing over her – his arm positioned in a way that makes it look like he is bolstering the wall, as if he is as essential as a ceiling joist. Mary is waving her hands, clearly telling a story that means absolutely everything to her, and she is delighted, in her element, because Brendan is looking at her and laughing and no doubt appreciating her pretty Irish eyes.
As if she hadn’t already known it, this confirms everything for Becky. Soon it is extremely unlikely that she will see Mary for the rest of the night. Despite all their promises it isn’t practical for them to do everything together. They are not Siamese twins. Mary is fun, which is why she is laughing with a boy she really likes. Becky is more introverted, harder to like, she thinks. It occurs to Becky that after tonight Mary may not in fact need her around any more. Having played her role as wingman she will be made redundant, a needless adjunct once Brendan is at the heart of Mary’s life. And then where will Becky belong?
It is no good for Becky to have these thoughts – not at this party, in this house where she doesn’t know anyone. But what can she do? She can’t afford a cab home on her own. Should she find a corner and try to sleep?
She lights another cigarette as Mary walks out of the room holding Brendan’s hand.
How embarrassing to feel so sad about something so small, a friend going off with a boy. Instead