very far. I mean, I can look at how far I’ve come of course, but … well, I’m sure you know what I mean.
I Googled Sydney today. Can we get a ferry ride? I love that you’re so close to the beach. The trusty Thames just doesn’t cut it in terms of bikinis and sun-drenched umbrellas – although, we do try.
I bought a couch over the weekend. To most people that’s not terribly exciting but, for me, it means I no longer have to sit on the floor and watch telly. It’s a comfy little second-hand number from a vintage shop not far from here. I had a friend help carry it home. If you’re ever feeling a little stressed, just imagine two lads walking down the Harrow Road, ancient couch sagging between them, and they happen to prop it up against the wall for a drink at the local – good times!
You’ll be well chuffed to know I delivered a baby today. Well, not technically mine. I didn’t birth it, nor did it come out of me, but I happened to be in the right place at the right time and, if I didn’t know what I was doing beforehand, I do now. The poor woman was in the clinic and, well, there I was. Hats off to any woman that ever wants to put their body through that because I am completely okay with being a boy right now. If I kept a gratitude journal, it might read something like this:
Today I am grateful for: my penis.
W
19th March 2011
Dear William,
I don’t even know where to begin with that statement. Good? I’m glad? Did they not teach you what happens in school? Seriously, congrats on the first birth – in the practice, that is. Your first time is always special, and a time to be cherished, don’t you think? Mine was at the tennis – birth, that is. Get your head out of the gutter. It was spectacularly beautiful, if a little messy.
I’ve just been pulled up in class for laughing at your penis comment. My classmate Craig covered for me – said it was his fault, so I live to see another day of Introduction to Australian Literature. Well done to you for that. The lecturer even asked if we’d both like to leave – whether I wanted to or not, I didn’t want to in front of 200 other people. No thanks. Instead of leave, I figure I’d just sit here and write you a letter.
Do you remember my friends Heather and Josh? Josh of the New Year’s Eve face punch spectacular? About thirty seconds after he’d knocked me to the ground, and Heather found out he’d been hitting on another girl, she realised she was jealous. They’re now dating – and I’m thrilled. How could I not be? The three of us have been friends for years but, now, they’re just … a bit more. I am seriously excited for them. What kind of a shit friend would I be if I wasn’t?
Fun fact: we’re currently reading My Brilliant Career by Miles Franklin. What’s your idea of a brilliant career?
E x
1st April 2011
Hey Fighter,
It’s 11 p.m. – I’ve just opened my mail after a long day, having had a microwave meal and a shower. Not at the same time, of course – chicken cordon bleu (or what bares a slight resemblance to it) doesn’t play well with water.
Thank you for making me laugh – I needed it today. Right now, my idea of a brilliant career is to get out of this GP placement unscathed. I’m exhausted. Off to bed.
First Aid Extraordinaire
14th April 2011
My Favourite First Aid-er,
Get some rest. Lots if you need it.
Come back when you’re feeling up to it.
Emmy xo
P.S. I wasn’t fighting.
3rd May 2011
My Emmy,
You’re officially mine now. I have claimed you, and I’m keeping you. Okay? Okay. Good.
Why do we begin a letter with ‘Dear’? All my bills begin with, ‘Dear William’, and I could swear they don’t actually mean it as a term of endearment.
Thank you so, so much for sending the box of treats. Biscuits, tea bags, a kitschy coffee cup and an ugly tourist magnet – I love it.
You are something else, you know that? I am so sorry I’ve been shit at the letters this month. You’ll be pleased to know you’re at the top of my list with a red star for URGENT.
I was thrilled to get your parcel – both because it kicked me in the backside and reminded me of what I think of about five minutes after leaving work each day, and for the fact that it is amazing and thoughtful. Clippy Koala has found a home above my desk at work – along with one of your photos. I’ll leave you to guess which one.
Mum, Dad, and Jen came to stay last weekend, which was lovely and meant that Mum did all my washing and cooked way more food than I’ll need for the next month (spoilt, I know). Dad helped with a bit of painting, and Jen stole my Wi-Fi and watched telly – so all’s right with the world.
I’m so glad I met you. Have I told you that today?
William. xo
28th May 2011
Lovely William,
Hello! This letter is brought to you by my university library which, sadly, is nothing like Hogwarts. I’m here with Craig working on an essay for Political History. I’m quite sure neither of us know what we’re doing, but we’re going to give it a go anyway.
I’m glad you enjoyed your parcel. They were just some little things I collected along the way.
Last weekend, I did my first volunteer stint since I got home. It was a rock concert, and not a band that I love, but it was nice to get out and about. It made me think of you – have you done any volunteering since Edinburgh? It felt good to get back into it, if I’m honest, so I’ve put my hand up for some more.
Emmy xo
27th June 2011
My Emmy,
Quick catch up – I’m off the grid for a week or so now. Heading up to the Peak District for some camping (drinking), unwinding (not reading textbooks), and doing nothing (true). I hope you’re keeping warm. Enjoy this box of goodies. The teapot reminded me of you. I’m not sure why, but it did, so I thought you should have it. I was shopping with my mum at the time, and she did question why I’d bought it.
Never fear, I’ll be on the lookout for cheap and tacky souvenirs while I camp. Enjoy your care package.
W.
P.S. It’s a negative on the volunteering – too tired/busy/circle appropriate answer.
24th July 2011
You beautiful man,
Thank you – a thousand times, thank you. It’s not every day a girl is spoilt with a Fortnum & Mason tea set. (did you take out a second mortgage for this? It’s so delicate!) You’re way too thoughtful and beautiful and now I need to think of something to send you in return.
It was my last exam today, so this has come at the perfect moment. I have tea steeping as I write this.