what I’m looking for.”
“Uh-huh. Keeping telling yourself that and maybe it will be true.”
The waiting room was familiar. Hayley couldn’t guess how much time she and Rob had spent here. Talking. Hoping. There were also the appointments she’d had on her own. While it would never be a second home—no one would want that—it was familiar. Sometimes the news was good and sometimes it wasn’t. She’d cried here, hoped here.
She knew every painting on the walls. All landscapes. There were no pictures of families in this waiting room, no children. That would be too hard. The magazines were related to travel or cooking or sports. No smiling babies on parenting magazines.
Appointments tended to last a long time so it was rare to run into another couple. The process of having a baby when science had to get involved wasn’t easy.
Rob sat next to her, his left ankle rested on his right knee. His foot bounced as he stared unseeingly at the magazine he’d opened. She might be the one going through the procedures, but he’d always disliked Dr. Pearce’s office. Or maybe he disliked the reason they had to be here.
For the past four years, this place had defined their life. She’d been referred after her second miscarriage. There had been tests and discussions. It wasn’t that she couldn’t get pregnant, it was that she couldn’t stay pregnant. Her body rejected the fetus and while there were many explanations, there didn’t seem to be any solutions.
“It’s okay,” she told Rob. “You can relax.”
“Not here.”
She took his hand in hers. “We’re going to have a good appointment. I can feel it.”
He looked doubtful, but didn’t say anything. Alice, one of the nurses, called them into Dr. Pearce’s office.
“How are you feeling?” the nurse asked as they walked down the hall.
“Good. Taking my iron every day.”
She had to. She’d lost so much blood with her last miscarriage. She was also bleeding on and off. If it were Halloween, she could easily do the vampire thing and be plenty pale without makeup. The thought made her smile, but she doubted Rob would appreciate the humor.
Dr. Pearce was already waiting for them. She was tall and in her early forties, with short red hair and a lot of freckles. She looked like what she was—a sensible, compassionate woman. Hayley had liked her from the start. She kept current on the latest infertility research and was willing to discuss unconventional therapies.
Dr. Pearce shook Rob’s hand, then hugged Hayley.
“How are you feeling?” she asked.
“Good. Strong.”
Dr. Pearce raised her eyebrows. “You don’t look strong, Hayley.”
“Okay, I’m better than I was. I’m eating right and taking my vitamins.”
“Good. Your body has been through a lot. It needs time to recover.”
Time was not Hayley’s friend. She knew that fertility started a steep downhill slide and with no information on her family’s medical history, she didn’t know if she came from a long line of fertile women or those who had gone into perimenopause at thirty-five.
She and Rob sat in the comfortable visitor chairs. Dr. Pearce slipped on reading glasses, then typed on her computer.
“We have your blood work from your last visit. It’s better than it was.”
Hayley pulled some papers out of her handbag. “Good, because I want to talk to you about this.” She passed over the sheets. “They’re doing great work in Switzerland. The clinic has had incredible success with women having trouble carrying to term. There’s a new drug therapy and special monitoring. It’s expensive, but we’ll find a way. We always do.”
She spoke quickly, careful to keep her attention on the doctor. Next to her, Rob stiffened. She knew why—this was the first he’d heard of the clinic in Switzerland. She hadn’t mentioned it because she didn’t want to hear all the reasons why it wasn’t a good idea. Rob didn’t get it. He thought they’d done enough. Been through enough. He wanted to give it a rest. Or adopt. No matter how much she explained neither option was possible, he didn’t want to listen.
Dr. Pearce ignored the material and took off her glasses. She looked between Hayley and Rob, then drew in a breath.
“No,” she said quietly. “I can’t recommend you, Hayley. The reason I wanted to meet with you today is because you’ve reached your limit. Your body simply can’t handle this anymore. The last bleeding episode was the worst, by far. I’m concerned about your health.”
“No. I’m fine. I feel great.” An exaggeration, but she did feel better.
“All the drugs and treatments have taken a toll,” Dr. Pearce continued. “I’m sorry. I know how badly you want to have a baby. There are other options that don’t include carrying a child to term.”
Hayley went cold. She couldn’t be hearing this right. “I have to,” she whispered. “We can’t use a surrogate.”
They’d tried, but her ovaries didn’t respond to the drugs. The attempt to harvest had failed.
“Hayley, listen to her,” Rob said, reaching for her hand. “That bleeding last time was scary. You can’t risk your health, your life. I don’t want you to die.”
She pulled her hand free and stared at the doctor. “I want to go to Switzerland. They’ll make it work. You’ll see.”
“That’s not an option. Not for you. Hayley, this is so hard to say and I know it’s going to be hard to hear. You need a hysterectomy. You’re at risk of bleeding. I’m afraid the next time it starts, we won’t be able to stop it.”
“No.” Hayley wanted to cover her ears. She wouldn’t hear this. Couldn’t. She wasn’t giving up. She was never giving up. There was an answer. There had to be. “No. You don’t understand. I have to have a baby. I have to.”
“Sweetie, don’t.” Rob reached for her again. He touched her arm. “It’s okay. We’ll get through this—”
She pushed him away and stood up. “A hysterectomy? No. I won’t.” That would be the end. She could never have a child of her own. Never have a family of her own. Something that was her. She needed that. Needed the connection, the belonging. Why couldn’t they understand? Why were they ganging up on her?
She turned to Rob. “Did you know about this? Did you talk to her?” She spun to the doctor. “Did you go behind my back?”
“No,” Dr. Pearce said quickly. “Of course not. Hayley, I know this is awful for you. I wish I could help you, but I can’t. Let me be clear. If you get pregnant again, you will bleed out and die. I strongly recommend you go to the hospital today for surgery, but I understand you have to think about this. Process it.”
“I want to go to Switzerland.” She had to focus on what was possible. Otherwise she couldn’t get through it.
Rob stood and faced her. “You’re not going anywhere,” he yelled. “You’re not getting pregnant. Let it go. Dammit, Hayley.” Tears filled his eyes. He shook his head, then walked out of the office.
Hayley stared after him, but didn’t follow. She sank back into her seat. “There has to be something,” she whispered. She was cold. Desperately cold. Her stomach churned.
Dr. Pearce came around the desk and took Rob’s seat. She reached for Hayley’s hand.
“This sucks,” she said bluntly. “You have done everything medically possible to carry a baby to term. I know how important this is to you.