Christmas. We haven’t spoken since he left, and that wasn’t because I didn’t try. But a girl’s got pride, and when he ignored my calls, my pleading texts, I stopped. Waiting for a reply, for any word, was devastating when I was met with silence.
“How are you, Lil?” He sounds off, as if he’s forcing himself to sound chipper.
“I’m great, Joel. What can I do for you?” I’m aware of Damon not ten feet away, naked and waiting. It seems wrong to leave him there, and wrong to have him there.
“I miss you.”
I shake my head. Of all the times for him to call; if he’d called yesterday, things would have been markedly different.
“Oh, yeah? And what does your redhead have to say about that?”
“That’s all over. Has been for a while now. I’ve spent this Christmas break mulling it over, and I know I made a mistake. A huge mistake.”
A movement behind startles me. Damon’s searching the floor for his clothes. He pulls his jeans on, and raises his eyebrows at me.
“Now’s not a good time, Joel. I’m going to have to talk to you later.”
Damon motions to the door. He looks bewildered, and I realize he must know who Joel is. I hold my hand up, so he knows to wait.
“Can I call you back? In the morning?” Joel says, his voice beseeching.
“I don’t know about that. You take care now.” I hang up the phone, and place it back on the counter.
“I’m gonna go,” Damon says, a hurt look plastered on his face.
“Wait, why? I thought we were going to CeeCee’s.”
He stares at me for a length of time, waiting for me to speak. I haven’t told him about Joel, but figure in this small town of ours he probably already knows.
“Was that your husband?” he asks, his voice breaking.
“Ex-husband.”
“Sounds like you got some unfinished business there, Lil.”
My eyes averted, I spin the phone, and desperately try to think.
“Please, Damon. Let’s go to Cee’s and enjoy the night.”
He searches under the lounge for his sweater. He finds his boots and stuffs them on.
I shiver, cold despite the rug wrapped around me. He walks over, and holds me tight. We stay squeezed together for an age. Lightly, he kisses the top of my head, cups my face and stares into my eyes. “Lil, I’m going to give you some space to decide what you want. I know all about Joel. Rosaleen told me.” He has the grace to blush. “So no pressure, OK? You need to do what’s right for you. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what.”
His heartfelt plea breaks me. Tears spill as I watch him walk away. He’s right, and that’s what hurts most of all.
The phone rings again, and I let it go to the message bank. I don’t want to talk to Joel again until I’ve decided how I feel. I head to the shower. I’ll go to CeeCee’s. Being in the bosom of her happy family will be just the distraction I need. Being alone is too much right now, especially with the scent of Damon still on my skin.
“Merry Christmas, sugar plum.” CeeCee embraces me, and I will myself not to cry. Way to ruin Christmas, I think glumly to myself. I force a smile on my face as we break apart.
“And where is that fine-looking man?” She looks over my shoulder into the inky night.
“He’s not here.”
She searches my face. “And why not, pray tell?” She ushers me inside. The sound of children’s laughter rolls down the hallway, and I can hear a TV blaring in the distance.
“He’s got other things to do. Where is everyone? I want to say hello.”
“Oh, no, you don’t. Not before you tell me what’s going on.” CeeCee pushes me into her formal sitting room, a chintzy affair with floral lounges, and floral curtains, her fine china on display.
“It’s nothing, Cee. I’ve got gifts for the—”
“Stop right there. Now, how long have I known you? And you think you can waltz in here with that pasty smile of yours, and those puffy red crying eyes, and I won’t know somethin’s wrong?”
Damn my crying eyes. I need to learn to sob silently, to un-puff.
“You gonna tell me or am I gonna have to march over to Damon’s and find out myself?”
And she would. “It’s not Damon. It’s Joel.”
“What you mean ‘Joel’?”
“Joel rang, while Damon was there. He says he made a mistake, he’s not with the redhead any more…”
“And what? He wants to come back to you?”
“I guess.” I pluck at a tassel on the cushion. It’s hard not to compare the two men, and the only thing that keeps me from running back to Damon is the fact that Joel and I have so much history. I hardly know Damon.
CeeCee’s trying really hard not to let loose what’s going on in her head but I can gather she’s none too happy, by the grunting and sighing she’s doing.
“Sugar plum, there ain’t nothing I can say that’s gonna change your mind. You have to decide, but I just want you to know, if you lie down with dogs, you gonna get fleas!”
I cackle along with CeeCee, and the mood lightens. “You certainly have a way with words.”
“So, how you feel?”
“I don’t know. Last night with Damon was magical. But Joel and I were together since we were kids, you know?”
“I know. And you the forgiving type. Sometimes when a man does wrong, you have to make him accountable, Lil. That man don’t see what we see. He looks around this town, disdain on his face, like he better than most folk. I just wonder if he’s really ready to move back here. You and I both know this place hasn’t changed none in two years, and surely won’t any time soon.”
She’s right. Pining for Joel these last two years, I realize I’ve been pining for what we lost, by him breaking my trust. And the fact that Joel always wanted a bigger, better life than what we had.
“You know, it’s funny, Joel sounds exactly like Damon’s ex-wife. They think small towns are full of hicks that don’t know any better.”
“I know all about her. Rosaleen told me everything at church today.”
“She must have sore jaws what with all her yapping.”
“She used to it, what with all the practice. And what about Damon? He has a baby girl?”
I remember Damon’s Christmas gift then. I’d forgotten in the drama of the afternoon. A gingerbread-house kit. Complete with all the trimmings, ready for father and daughter to assemble when they get some time together. “Yes, he’s got a little girl named Charlie. She’s all set to visit after Christmas. And that’s who’s calling him every five minutes. Poor baby, she’s missing him like crazy.”
CeeCee nods, “I can imagine him as a daddy. I bet he’s great with kids.”
“But that’s just it, Cee. What if his ex-wife decides she’s made a mistake, just like Joel’s done? And she wants to come back after a while? They’ve got a little girl — they’d have to try for her sake. And then what? I’m left all alone. I just don’t know if I can go through that kind of heartbreak again.”
“Really,