Challenge
My cousin Reg has an interesting theory about women and fearing rejection – he believes that part of the reason men are better at dealing with rejection is because of the practice they get in the dating arena. According to Reg, from the time boys hit puberty and start asking girls out, ‘no’ is a word they become well acquainted with. Therefore they take ‘no’ less personally, and see it as a numbers game. As far as Reg is concerned, for every ten women he asks out at least one is bound to say yes – two if he’s lucky. Those aren’t bad odds.
And he might actually have a point. The research suggests that in the workplace men are better at dealing with rejection than women, and certainly don’t judge themselves as harshly. Sharon Vosmek, founder and CEO of Astia (a US not-for-profit organization that supports women-led businesses), cites a study by Professor Shelley Correll at the Clayman Institute for Gender Research at Stanford University, which monitored the reactions of ‘C’ grade calculus students. This is what Vosmek discovered:
The men were perceiving they had passed and were wizards, and would potentially use it to go on and negotiate a higher salary. Women in the same calculus class – the majority would drop the course, perceiving they had failed and never mention it again. So what happens when women are rejected? They are already rejecting themselves.*
My ‘Jochen Moment’, it turns out, was a classic female response, hardwired from centuries of gender conditioning. It forced me to face my insecurities and stop avoiding the fact that they existed, something I had been doing my whole adult life. And using Reg’s theory as my guide for healing, I decided to develop my own ‘Agyness Challenge’ based on Jason Comely’s ‘Rejection Therapy’; I suppose this is a sort of Degree for the Others. Comely, a Canadian entrepreneur, devised a social self-help ‘game’ for overcoming a fear of rejection, whereby to ‘win’ required you to receive at least one rejection each day for a period of time, with the intention of training yourself to overcome the fear through extended exposure.
Do this today: the five objectives of Rejection Therapy
1. Be more aware of how irrational social fears control and restrict our lives.
2. Smash the tyranny of fear and reap the treasures (treasures include wealth, relationships, and self-confidence).
3. Learn from, and even enjoy rejection.
4. Do not be attached to outcomes, especially when it involves the free agency of other people.
5. Permit yourself to fail.
My challenge involves me journaling which of my career choices have been led by Agyness, and which by my confident self. I also do simple things, like seeking advice or mentorship from people I admire – this can be by cold email, or by approaching them at events and seminars.
I force myself to do this much more than I am naturally comfortable with. Even though I work in television and on the surface seem to be very much an extrovert, I am actually quite shy, so this is a real effort for me. However, the benefits far outweigh the safety of staying in my comfort zone.
One example of this is a friendship I now have with Simon Collins, former Dean of the Parsons’ School of Fashion in New York. I wanted Simon’s help with Ldny.com, a fashion social enterprise I was launching. I emailed him more than five times and he ignored me on each occasion. Something similar happened with Ed Burstell, then CEO of Liberty.
Usually, I would have let Agyness’s fear of rejection win, but this time my challenge meant I couldn’t. So even though it wasn’t exactly a boost to my ego, I refused to give up, and persisted until both of them responded. I can now confidently say they are both glad they did. We’ve gone on to work on some great projects together as well as to form great friendships, all of which we would have missed out on had I not persisted – which causes me to ask myself: what have I lost on those occasions when Agyness has prevailed?
So, I urge women and other ‘others’ everywhere to challenge their own Agyness. We have to learn not to take rejection personally, and rather view it as part of the pathway to success. Once women allow themselves to fear that they are not pretty enough, not clever enough, not strong enough, they behave in a way that limits themselves and makes their dreams less likely to come to fruition. I don’t know if it’s ever possible to rid ourselves 100 per cent of our Agyness – a lifetime of conditioning cannot be erased overnight. However, facing rejection head-on means you become desensitized to it and better equipped to rise above it, which will help level the playing field not just for ourselves but for future generations.
Having it all
The payoff, for ourselves and for society, when we push beyond our worthiness barriers is priceless. Through my work, I’ve been fortunate enough to come up close and personal with some of the most inspirational women of our time – women who fearlessly embody the Sheryl Sandberg philosophy of ‘leaning in’; women who defy (present-day) expectations and limitations.
These women are creating a new normal – one that is centred around female-friendly working practices – and it’s being led by women like Mary Callahan Erdoes. As chief executive officer of J.P. Morgan Asset Management, Callahan Erdoes is one of the most important people in finance and supervises over $2.2 trillion in assets. A wife and mother to three children, she explained to me how she used her seniority to make it easier for other working mothers within her organization. She leaves the office early enough to collect her children from school every day, and loudly announces it daily to her team: ‘I’m leaving to go and pick up the kids.’
Another leading working mother who is unapologetic about it is Helena Morrissey, former CEO of Newton Investment Management, a £51 billion Bank of New York Mellon European fund. Morrissey is also the co-founder of The 30% Club, a campaign to make UK FTSE-100 boardrooms 30 per cent female. She is a trailblazer and has risen to the top of the UK finance industry. However, she is almost as famous for her professional achievements as she is for her nine children, who range in age from seven to twenty-four.
Morrissey leaves the office every day at 6 p.m. to be home in time for family dinner and the odd bit of ironing. She credits part of her success to having a stay-at-home husband, Richard: ‘The idea that a woman can have a family and friends and hold down a difficult, high-octane job when both partners work full-time – that is a very tall order. I am not saying it’s impossible, but it’s a bit unrealistic.’
Morrissey believes that the key to having it all is for modern couples to determine which career should take precedence while the children are young. And, crucially, this doesn’t have to be the man’s. In Morrissey’s case, after their fourth child was born she and Richard, then a journalist, decided he should stay at home and she should continue with her career – a decision that has paid off considerably. The return on investment (ROI) has not only benefited their family (as Morrissey is one of the highest paid executives in the city), it’s also benefited British society – for, in this couple, we have a high-profile example of what The Other Way could be.
Obviously, Callahan Erdoes and Morrissey are unique examples, as these two women are at the very top of their industries. Parent-friendly working practices are easier to implement when you are the boss. However, if more women rise through the corporate ranks, from VP level to the coveted C-suite (Corner office), these sorts of flexible working patterns will become more and more commonplace – because they will have to.
A new kind of role model
Role models are important, for women and men; they give us a glimpse of our possible futures and can keep us on track when our dreams seem out of reach. I remember having a conversation about this with my friend Toby Daniels, founder of the highly successful Social Media Week conferences. I’ve often chewed the fat with him regarding gender equality, as I do with all my male friends and colleagues, and on one occasion Toby made a point that stopped me in my tracks: ‘Men don’t see women as role models.’ In an attempt to halt my jaw from hitting the floor, he went on to explain:
Mark Zuckerberg grew up wanting to be Bill Gates, Mark Dorsey grew up wanting to be Steve Jobs, Marissa Mayer probably looked up to the same male role models as Zuckerberg and Dorsey with a