do you know?’
‘I was married, Leyna,’ he reminded her, and saw hurt pass over her face so quickly he didn’t know what to think about it. So he continued. ‘Erika and I tried to have children before she died. We could never conceive.’
‘That must have been terrible for you...and Erika. I’m sorry.’
Emotion churned inside him. Erika had been devastated by their battle to have children. And when they’d found out that there was no medical reason why they couldn’t, she’d turned angry.
By then, she’d learnt that the allure of marrying a king had only been in her imagination. That the reality of it was far more demanding—and sometimes more demeaning—than she’d wanted.
Would she still have felt the same if she’d become a mother?
He never gave himself the permission to consider it. All he knew was that the only thing that had kept Erika committed to being Queen had been the prospect of a child. And when that hadn’t happened she had become more and more withdrawn. And he’d felt more and more guilty. Because though there’d been no proof that it was him, it had to be.
‘Why not? Why can’t you have children?’ Leyna’s soft voice interrupted his thoughts.
‘We tried and we didn’t conceive.’
‘Yes, you said that.’ She frowned. ‘That doesn’t mean you were the reason you couldn’t conceive.’
‘It wasn’t Erika’s fault,’ he said sharply.
‘I wasn’t saying that it was. But there is such a thing as unexplained infertility.’
It was what the doctor had told them, too. But, as someone who’d needed answers, Xavier hadn’t been happy with that. Neither had Erika. So he’d accepted the blame for it.
‘So there’s no medical reason that you can’t conceive?’
He clenched his jaw. ‘No.’
‘Then we still have a chance.’
‘I must have missed this unfeeling side of you when we were friends.’
He saw her flinch, but her voice was steady. ‘The reality of our lives—of our duty—doesn’t always allow us to feel, Xavier.’
‘Is that how we’ll conceive this child then? Without feeling?’
‘Why not?’
‘You have to have some kind of feeling to conceive a child, Leyna.’
‘Perhaps, if you want to do it naturally.’ She raised an eyebrow—taunting him, he knew, with the insinuation. ‘But, since this is going to be a contract, I think we should consider other options. To keep things...official.’
Relief and disappointment mingled in his chest. ‘You mean artificial insemination?’
‘Or IVF.’
‘It would take time we might not have.’
‘Which is why we should do it as soon as possible.’
With each word, his heart grew heavier. It weighed down his response so that, although he knew she was right, he couldn’t bring himself to agree. Agreeing would mean that the distance he’d sought from her for ten years would be destroyed. It would bring back all the feelings he’d avoided thinking about since Erika had died. Feelings of failure, of heartbreak.
And if he agreed to marry Leyna he knew he would feel as though he was being disloyal to Erika. Worse still, if it worked and Leyna fell pregnant, he would feel as though he’d betrayed Erika. He’d be living the life she’d once accused him of always wanting.
He wasn’t sure he could live with that guilt.
‘Do you agree, Xavier?’
‘Does it matter? You seem to have everything neatly planned anyway.’
‘Neatly?’ she repeated, disbelief in her voice. ‘This is probably the least neat thing I’ve ever planned, Xavier. Do you think I want to be married to you, to carry your child?’
‘Well, if it’s such a burden then—’
‘Stop it,’ she snapped, anger turning her cheeks red. ‘Our lives are filled with burdens. They’re called responsibilities. They’re a part of our duty.’ He saw her chest heave, revealing the passion with which she spoke her words. ‘Duty comes first, Xavier. It always has and it always will. This plan I’ve so neatly outlined is going to require sacrifices from the both of us, and it won’t be pleasant. In fact, I’m pretty sure it might destroy me.’
Her eyes widened and she turned away from him. It had been her first real show of emotion—proper, spontaneous emotion that told him the veneer of aloofness had been cracked. It had surprised her and, though he’d wanted to crack that shield, it had surprised him, too.
He didn’t know what to make of her words. What would destroy her? Working with him? Being married to him? Carrying his child? Was she just as affected as he was by the prospect that this decision would make them share their lives in the way they’d always imagined? Or was it because the circumstances of this life together were nothing like they’d imagined, ensuring that this decision would make their lives infinitely more complicated?
‘Perhaps there’s a simpler solution,’ he said suddenly, his thoughts turning him desperate.
‘There is no simple solution for us. For this,’ she said, turning back to him. Her eyes were bright, troubled, and he wanted to reach out and comfort her. But he didn’t. Of course he didn’t. He didn’t know her any more. Comforting her wasn’t his job.
‘Duty is never simple,’ he said mockingly. But she responded seriously.
‘No, it isn’t. It will never be simple for us, nor will it ever be simple between us.’
It was the first time she’d made any kind of mention of their past, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. So he didn’t respond, instead letting the silence stretch. He felt it build, felt the tension pulse from both of them.
It made him want to ask her why she’d done it. Why she’d broken his heart. Why she’d broken them. It made him want to tell her how long he’d been broken. How he’d still had to pick up the pieces in the first years of his marriage to Erika. How that had started the cracks that had eventually broken him and Erika, too.
‘We can try to set up a meeting with Zacchaeus one more time,’ she said, breaking the silence.
‘You know that won’t work.’
‘Then we move on to Plan B.’
‘Marriage and a child?’
‘Marriage and a child,’ she confirmed.
‘We don’t have the luxury of time here,’ Xavier said quietly. ‘If Zacchaeus decides to attack either of us, our kingdoms will be helpless to stop him.’
‘One more attempt at diplomacy, and then we move on to Plan B, Xavier,’ Leyna said again. ‘Now, we should get back before they realise we’re gone.’
She set the glass down, its contents untouched, and walked out of the room before he could reply.
LEYNA HAD HAD to leave the room—to escape Xavier’s company before she said something she regretted.
She already regretted too much of that conversation. That burst of emotion had reminded her of the woman she’d once been. The woman who’d died long ago. She needed to remind herself that the Leyna who’d let emotion guide her was gone. She had to be led by logic and reason. By the needs of her kingdom.
Because she was terrified