someone say. “Here comes Officer Shrift.”
Striding across the square was the shortest policeman Milo had ever seen. He was scarcely two feet tall and almost twice as broad, and he wore a blue uniform with white belt and gloves, a peaked cap, and a very fierce expression. He continued blowing his whistle until his face was beet red, stopping only long enough to shout, “You’re guilty, you’re guilty,” at everyone he passed. “I’ve never seen anyone so guilty,” he said as he reached Milo. Then, turning towards Tock, who was still ringing loudly, he said, “Turn off that dog; it’s disrespectful to sound your alarm in the presence of a policeman.”
He made a careful note of that in his black book and strode up and down, his hands clasped behind his back, surveying the wreckage in the market place.
“Very pretty, very pretty,” he scowled. “Who’s responsible for all this? Speak up or I’ll arrest the lot of you.”
There was a long silence. Since hardly anybody had actually seen what had happened, no one spoke.
“You,” said the policeman, pointing an accusing finger at the Humbug, who was brushing himself off and straightening his hat, “you look suspicious to me.”
The startled Humbug dropped his cane and nervously replied, “Let me assure you, sir, on my honour as a gentleman, that I was merely an innocent bystander, minding my own business, enjoying the stimulating sights and sounds of the world of commerce, when this young lad—”
“AHA!” interrupted Officer Shrift, making another note in his little book. “Just as I thought: boys are the cause of everything.”
“Pardon me,” insisted the Humbug, “but I in no way meant to imply that—”
“SILENCE!” thundered the policeman, pulling himself up to full height and glaring menacingly at the terrified bug. “And now,” he continued, speaking to Milo, “where were you on the night of 27 July?”
“What does that have to do with it?” asked Milo.
“It’s my birthday, that’s what,” said the policeman as he entered “Forgot my birthday” in his little book. “Boys always forget other people’s birthdays.
“You have committed the following crimes,” he continued. “Having a dog with an unauthorized alarm, sowing confusion, upsetting the applecart, wreaking havoc, and mincing words.”
“Now see here,” growled Tock angrily.
“And illegal barking,” he added, frowning at the watchdog. “It’s against the law to bark without using the barking meter. Are you ready to be sentenced?”
“Only a judge can sentence you,” said Milo, who remembered reading that in one of his schoolbooks.
“Good point,” replied the policeman, taking off his cap and putting on a long black robe. “I am also the judge. Now would you like a long or a short sentence?”
“A short one, if you please,” said Milo.
“Good,” said the judge, rapping his gavel three times. “I always have trouble remembering the long ones. How about ‘I am’? That’s the shortest sentence I know.”
Everyone agreed that it was a very fair sentence, and the judge continued: “There will also be a small additional penalty of six million years in prison. Case closed,” he pronounced. “Come with me. I’ll take you to the dungeon.”
“Only a jailer can put you in prison,” offered Milo, quoting the same book.
“Good point,” said the judge, removing his robe and taking out a large bunch of keys. “I am also the jailer.” And with that he led them away.
“Keep your chin up,” shouted the Humbug. “Maybe they’ll take a million years off for good behaviour.”
The heavy prison door swung back slowly and Milo and Tock followed Officer Shrift down a long dark corridor lit only by an occasional flickering candle.
“Watch the steps,” advised the policeman as they started down a steep circular staircase.
The air was dank and musty – like the smell of wet blankets – and the massive stone walls were slimy to the touch. Down and down they went until they arrived at another door even heavier and stronger-looking than the first. A cobweb brushed across Milo’s face and he shuddered.
“You’ll find it quite pleasant here,” chuckled the policeman as he slid the bolt back and pushed the door open with a screech and a squeak. “Not much company, but you can always chat with the witch.”
“The witch?” trembled Milo.
“Yes, she’s been here for a long time,” he said, starting along another corridor.
In a few more minutes they had gone through three other doors, across a narrow footbridge, down two more corridors and another staircase, and stood finally in front of a small cell door.
“That is it,” said the policeman. “All the comforts of home.”
The door opened and then shut and Milo and Tock found themselves in a high vaulted cell with two tiny windows halfway up on the wall.
“See you in six million years,” said Officer Shrift, and the sound of his footsteps grew fainter and fainter until it wasn’t heard at all.
“It looks serious, doesn’t it, Tock?” said Milo very sadly.
“It certainly does,” the dog replied, sniffing around to see what their new quarters were like.
“I don’t know what we’re going to do all that time; we don’t even have a domino set or a box of crayons.”
“Don’t worry,” growled Tock, raising one paw assuringly, “something will turn up. Here, wind me, will you please? I’m beginning to run down.”
“You know something, Tock?” he said as he wound up the dog. “You can get in a lot of trouble mixing up words or just not knowing how to spell them. If we ever get out of here, I’m going to make sure to learn all about them.”
“A very commendable ambition, young man,” said a small voice from across the cell.
Milo looked up, very surprised, and noticed for the first time, in the half light of the room, a pleasant-looking old lady quietly knitting and rocking.
“Hello,” he said.
“How do you do?” she replied.
“You’d better be very careful,” Milo advised. “I understand there’s a witch somewhere in here.”
“I am she,” the old lady answered casually, and pulled her shawl a little closer round her shoulders.
Milo jumped back in fright and quickly grabbed Tock to make sure that his alarm didn’t go off – for he knew how much witches hate loud noises.
“Don’t be frightened,” she laughed. “I’m not a witch – I’m a Which.”
“Oh,” said Milo, because he couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“I’m Faintly Macabre, the not-so-wicked Which,” she continued, “and I’m certainly not going to harm you.”
“What’s a Which?” asked Milo, releasing Tock and stepping a little closer.
“Well,” said the old lady, just as a rat scurried across her foot, “I am the king’s great-aunt. For years and years