drinkin’?”
“Bud Light.”
Tall and Handsome, as she immediately nicknamed him, ordered them each a new beer, while Gwen took a closer look. He looked like a model—tall, broad shouldered, muscular, clear skin, thick wavy strawberry-blond hair, and bright-blue eyes.
“All these Barbie dolls here, what are you doing talking to me?”
“Why wouldn’t I talk to you?” He looked at Gwen with an amused look.
“Please, I have a mirror.”
“You sell yourself short, Gwen.”
“Bullshit.”
Tall and Handsome just laughed and lifted his glass for a toast. Gwen lifted hers as well. Why? This was not her normal response to anyone who spoke to her. Maybe because he was so darned handsome, or maybe because he talked to her like a human being. Either way, they chatted for a bit. He was an insurance agent (though later, she doubted any of what he said had been true), lived outside the city, came from a large family, graduated from Penn State, yada yada. Gwen did more listening than talking.
Finally, after about twenty minutes, T&H said, “Wanna take a walk? I need a smoke.”
“Sure,” replied Gwen as she slid off her barstool. She followed her new friend out the door. She didn’t notice the group of guys who had been with T&H high-fiving one another as the pair exited the bar.
They walked for a bit. He lit up and puffed his cigarette. Gwen didn’t smoke and declined his offer to partake. He chatted; she remained silent. Gwen noticed that they were heading toward the parking garage but didn’t mention it, though her defenses were immediately raised again. She silently scolded herself for letting them down at all. As he chatted amicably on about who knows what, she considered her options. Do I go with this guy, or do I tell him to fuck off? Clearly, he’s just trying to get in my pants. Do I care? She took a good look at her companion. Maybe I just want to get in his pants, and then I can tell him to fuck off. That scenario appealed to Gwen. She looked at him again. What are the chances that he’s really into me? Slim to none. That last thought was accompanied with a slight sigh. Meanwhile, she nodded and smiled at what she hoped were the appropriate times.
The pair entered the garage, and Gwen followed her new friend into the elevator. “Hey, let’s go sit in my car a while. It’s a bit chilly out here.”
How stupid does this guy think I am? she thought, but replied, “Sure.”
They rode the elevator in silence. As they got off, he looked around and then said, “Do you get high?”
“Why? Do you need to be high to get in the car with me?”
T&H laughed. “You’re a real piece of work, you know that? If you tried being nice once in a while, you may not have to spend your nights sitting alone.”
“What makes you think I spend my nights alone?” Gwen glared at him, waiting for a response. Part of her knew he was right. She knew that her social skills sucked, to put it mildly. Usually, she could blame everyone else, but every once in a while, in her weaker moments, she knew it was her.
He looked at her a minute, shrugged, and said, “You’re right. I just met you. I don’t know a thing about you.” With that, he pulled out his keys and clicked. The lights on an Audi a few spaces away blinked.
Typical yuppie car, she thought. “Nice car.”
“Thanks, I like it. Wanna get in and get a closer look?” He waited for her to respond and could tell she was torn. “I won’t bite, I promise.” T&H flashed a perfect smile, and Gwen, without answering, headed toward the passenger door. “I’ll take that as a yes.” He knew he had her.
He didn’t follow her and open the door for her, but that was okay. Gwen didn’t expect it. They both just silently got in the car and sat looking forward. Gwen made her decision on how to proceed.
T&H turned toward her and said, “Well, what now?” That was when Gwen threw herself at him. She lunged over the center console and planted her lips right on his, grabbing his crotch at the same time. Either he would push her away or take advantage, she wasn’t sure which. If he pushed her away, she would apologize, blame it on the alcohol, and hope he understood. If he didn’t, then she had the upper hand.
He was definitely shocked, but it only took him a second to get into it. The entire debacle lasted less than ten minutes, and most of that time was spent trying to get into a position that worked.
When it was all over, they both sat back, trying to catch their breath. Gwen waited for him to speak. He’s over there figuring out how to get me out of the car without causing a scene, she thought.
After a minute or so, he said, “I really should get back.”
“Well, that was a disappointment,” said Gwen, as she pulled on her pants.
“Excuse me?”
“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “I just thought that a man your size would be…you know…bigger.”
Not knowing how to respond, he just looked at her for a minute. “Are you kidding me? You beady-eyed twat with your pockmarked face, fat ass, and saggy boobs, you’re complaining about me? You should be thanking me for even speaking to you.”
And there it was. If she had been surprised at all, she may have broken down at that point, but she wasn’t surprised. Disappointed maybe, but not surprised. “Sorry, little dick. I just call ’em as I see ’em.” She opened the car door, got out while straightening her clothes, turned back to him, slowly for effect, and said, “Have a nice life.” Closing but not slamming the door, she walked away. He did not follow, but as she walked away, he rolled down the window and yelled, “I only talked to you to win a bet, bitch. You just earned me fifty dollars.”
Gwen kept walking, lifted her hand in the air, and gave T&H the finger, held that for a few seconds, then changed the gesture to one where her thumb and forefinger were just an inch apart, reminding him of her disappointment.
Once alone in the elevator, Gwen leaned her head against the wall and sobbed. “A bet. A fucking bet! I was just a joke.” She stood up straight and wiped her tears before the elevator door opened. “We’ll see who the joke is.”
She went back to the bar and walked right up to the table of T&H’s friends. She stood there looking at them, enjoying the looks of confusion and worry on their faces. Once she knew she had their full attention, she said, “I just wanted to tell you that your friend has the smallest dick I’ve ever seen. I mean seriously, I couldn’t feel a thing.” The men all burst out laughing as she turned and left. T&H was on his way in as she was on her way out. Resisting the urge to lash out at him, she simply nodded in his direction and kept on going, enjoying the laughter that continued as the door closed behind her. She knew that now they were laughing at him.
That was her last attempt at making friends.
About two months later, Gwen realized she was pregnant. A week after that, she lost her job for cursing at a client over the phone.
Chapter 4
1979
Genetics Are Amazing, but Sometimes They’re Just Not Fair
Gwen was eight years old when she began to think of herself as ugly. Like most young kids, she never really thought about her appearance. Up until then, she’d had a pretty normal childhood. She always had a few friends in school and day care. Her parents never really kept her involved by signing her up for activities, and they never arranged playdates, so those were her only two opportunities to be around other kids. But school and day care were sufficient, and thinking back, Gwen remembered those years fondly.
The bullying and teasing began in the third grade. The kids started calling her “fatty,” “gerbil eyes Gwen,” “tunnel nostrils,” and “ape face.” Even the girls who had previously