don’t know about this. This is something different you talking now,” my mother had said, still not sure. “You know I like you, but I do this for fun. I can’t afford to get in too deep. Addiction is not what I need right now,” she said.
The man grunted and sighed loudly. When he moved around the room to face my mother, I looked at him really good in the light. He was gorilla ugly, and he already looked like a strung-out fiend to me. I squinted my eyes as he dumped a small mountain of the drug onto the back of his hand. The man stood over six feet tall and his arms bulged out of the sleeves of his T-shirt. I would’ve been no match for that monster. He towered over my mother, who was even slimmer than before from not eating a lot since the murder. My mother’s skin was still pretty, but her eyes were sad and sunken now. Before she’d had the deepest, darkest brown eyes, with thick black eyelashes, that always caught people’s attention. But as I watched, I noticed that her eyes were ringed with dark circles and sad, very sad. Her thick, long hair was always in a ratty ponytail and she hadn’t let it down to flow since before my father’s death.
I was eight, but I was smart beyond my years. Where other kids might’ve missed the stark contrast in their mother’s appearance and her overall deterioration in everything, I had definitely noticed. That night I felt my heart break a million times as I stood there and watched. It wasn’t that I hated my mother, but I was devastated that she’d let these outside forces interrupt her life, to reach this terrible point. She looked so weak to me. I had felt a flash of embarrassment and a stab of hurt. I kept watching her and thinking that if she continued using drugs, she wasn’t going to be so beautiful for long, nor was she going to be our mother for long.
“Stop being scared, Linda. I’m not going to ask you again. You ain’t going to get addicted, if that’s what you’re worried about,” the man had shot back. “Now either you down or not? I can go find someone else to have a good time with.” With that, he placed his nose on top of the mound of white powder on his hand and inhaled like a high-powered vacuum cleaner. When he was finished, there was absolutely nothing left on his hand. Then he dumped out another mound of the stuff and pushed it toward my mother. I was screaming “NO!” in my head, and to keep from screaming it out loud, I clamped both of my little hands over my mouth. I watched my mother finally give in and she held one side of her nose and inhaled with the open side. My stomach had cramped up as I watched.
“Ugh,” my mother had grunted as her legs buckled a little bit. I thought she would fall, but she just stumbled around, all the while keeping her balance. “Shit!” she had shouted, and then she started laughing, as though the man had told a joke. My mother started doing some crazy dance. She had jumped around like a fool. It was crazy to watch. After a few seconds, I guess, she remembered that the man was still there. She circled him like she was doing some mating dance. He laughed too.
“I told you this was that good shit. You ain’t want to believe me, right?” the man had said, laughing at my mother, but clearly satisfied he had her.
When he dumped out more drugs, the hairs on my skin stood up. I felt my entire body tense up; somewhere in my little brain I sensed danger. Call it our bond or instinct, but in that moment I knew something bad would happen. I had told myself I needed to run in and save her, but I froze. I couldn’t move, as if my feet had grown roots into the carpet. The man had a small pile of the drugs ready for my mother again.
“Don’t be scared, sexy. Just take it in and forget all of your troubles. This shit here works wonders,” the man had said, smiling wickedly at my mother. I had seen the Devil himself in that moment. My mother was laughing, but I knew better. It wasn’t happy laughter. I didn’t have a good gut feeling about it, but I couldn’t move. I watched in horror as my mother bent down and inhaled like she had no cares in the world.
“Yeah, baby!” The man grinned, urging my mother on. “This is what is going to take you away from all of your troubles. This is your new daddy. I’m telling you, sexy . . . you will never be the same after this shit. Just like my man Drago said, we can use half the amount and get doubly as high. This is that premium shit, baby. You going to love me forever for showing you this shit here,” the man was saying as my mother took yet another large inhale of the drug. She was giggling the whole time, like she was giddy as hell.
“Let’s go. You’re going to experience more happiness than you’ve ever known. Get your mind right and have a good time. You can’t walk around worrying about shit all of the time. Life is for living, and this shit here is for taking!” The man kept up his pep talk.
“Yes! Life is for living while you have it,” my mother sang.
I flared my nostrils and breathed in. I was holding my breath. My head felt swimmy and I wanted to scream. I felt buried alive in my own body, and, boy, this was a horrible feeling.
My mother sniffed again. This time she reacted like someone had slammed a hammer into her chest. I had watched in horror as she stumbled backward. She immediately threw her hand up over her nose, and tears leaked out of her eyes. She held on to the sides of her head as if she were trying to stop some kind of pain or slow her mind. The man was laughing hysterically at my mother’s reaction.
“Oh, shit. What the fuck?” my mother grumbled as she shook her head. Within seconds she was moving as if she were floating. Then, out of nowhere, she was back to happy and giddy. She stumbled around, trying to find a seat. Finally she slumped down into one of the kitchen chairs.
“I see light . . . a lot of light. All colors,” my mother had slurred, her head moving around slowly. Her lips curled into a smile, but it wasn’t a happy smile.
I was seeing that my mother had no control over her own body parts. One minute she would barely be able to stand, and the next she’d leap up for a few seconds, singing and dancing and jumping around. She’d flop back down into the chair and stop moving for a while. She looked like she couldn’t move, even if she wanted. My mother hung on to the chair for dear life, because every few seconds she looked like she thought she’d fall. Her mouth was moving, but she wasn’t saying anything.
Seeing her like that had truly broken my heart. My eyes had filled with tears and I contemplated going to wake up Kyle. I knew he’d probably rush in and save my mother. But again, for some reason I was stuck, unable to move. I blamed myself silently, yet I still couldn’t stop watching.
My mother waved her hand at the man as he dumped another small mound onto his hand. In my head I was screaming, “Mommy, don’t do it!” But my mouth wouldn’t move.
“I love it, I love it, I loooovve it,” my mother sang. I couldn’t believe her. But I watched as she deeply inhaled yet another little mountain of drugs through her nose. Her reaction was instantaneous.
“Agh!” my mother belted out. She bent over at the waist for a few seconds. That’s how powerful whatever she sniffed was. Then she stumbled around, took another small amount of the drugs, and placed it up against her nostrils again. She opened her arms wide, like she was about to try to fly. She started spinning around and around, looking like a child playing the get-dizzy game. My heart was pounding as though I had run miles and miles at top speed.
I watched as my mother spun around in front of me. Sweat poured down the sides of my mother’s face. Finally she had worn herself down until her body finally collapsed to the floor. My mouth opened, but I couldn’t scream. I suddenly felt like I was suspended in the air.
“Help me,” my mother gasped. “I can’t see. The light . . . the light is clouding my eyes,” she continued, squeezing her eyes shut. “Help me!” she screamed out.
The next thing I saw was some unknown force moving her body like she was being electrocuted. I suddenly felt a cold breeze whipping around me. I remember shivering, but I was unable to cover myself with my hands.
“Ay! C’mon, get up,” the man shouted at my mother, using his foot to kick at her body as it jerked violently.
I didn’t know if she was dying or what, but suddenly I was able to move and I rushed out of my hiding spot. I was plastered to her side, screaming, “Mama! Mama! What’s wrong?” I felt