the pit." But death seemed rather a relief from my agonizing trouble, had it not been that I knew that "after death there was a judgment." And how was my soul to appear before the holy and just Judge of the earth? This was a question I could not answer. I looked with anxious care to see if any hope was to be entertained from my past life, but, alas! all seemed to be a dreary waste. Some comfort, indeed, I had from the view of my apprenticeship, and some time afterward, which I formerly mentioned; but, alas! even then I saw myself to have been guilty of many a sin, and all the rest of my life appeared to be but one act of disobedience and rebellion; and I saw myself condemned by the laws of heaven, supposing I had lived all my life in the apparently innocent manner above stated; for it is written, "Cursed is every one that continueth not in all things which are written in the book of the law, to do them." I next looked to the general mercy of God, but neither could that give me any relief; and in this state of torment I remained for several nights and days with little intermission. At last it pleased the Lord to send me relief in the following manner:—
One forenoon, when I was almost distracted with the agony of my soul, and the pain of my body, that blessed passage was given me, "Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me:" and never before did I feel any thing come home with such divine power and such healing comfort to my afflicted soul. I tried to recollect if ever I had read it in my Bible, or heard it any time, but in vain; yet I was fully persuaded that it was the voice of God speaking in his word, and accompanied by his Holy Spirit. I will not attempt a description of my mind at this time, for it is impossible, because it was indeed "a joy unspeakable." O what a flood of comfort did it impart to my helpless soul! for then I believed that God "had not in anger shut up his tender mercy, but still intended to be gracious." Now "the Lord made my bed in my sickness," for my couch, as I thought, became softer, and every thing around me wore a different aspect. I yet looked back with pleasure to the description of heaven given by Mr. Boston in his Fourfold State, (which I used to read when in Darnick,) and still hoped to be an inhabitant of that happy place. Here the Lord turned for me "my mourning into dancing, he put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;"—here the Lord dealt with me as he did with his ancient church, for "he allured me, and brought me into the wilderness, that he might speak comfortably unto me;"—and here "he made me to sing, as in the days of my youth." "Sing unto the Lord, O ye saints of his, and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness: For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." My dear reader, if you are a stranger to the comfortable sense of the favour of God, you may think this is strange kind of language; and no wonder, for "the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned;" but believe me, this was true solid comfort, arising from a view which I had just obtained of a reconciled God in Christ, although I acknowledge myself to have had at this time a very imperfect knowledge of the gospel-scheme of salvation.
Yet the Lord, who generally works by rational means, left not his work half done, for he sent me an instructor in the following manner:—The next day there was a young man, who sailed out with me in the same ship, came and sat down upon my bed-side. He had been in the hospital for some time, but I had never seen him, nor even known that he was in the place, because he was in a different ward. I had even a very slight acquaintance of him as a fellow-soldier, and none at all of his being an eminent Christian. As I said, he sat down upon my bed-side, and asked very kindly how I was. My heart warmed to him while he uttered the words, though I cannot tell for what, but I formed somehow a favourable opinion of him, and was free enough to tell him how matters stood. I began by informing him how my mind had been exercised since I came to the hospital, nearly in the way above related, as I wished to hear his mind upon the subject, lest I should be deceiving myself. He asked me, if I read my Bible. I said, that I had sometimes read it when I could see, but could derive very little comfort from it, as I could not understand it; and now my sight was so far gone as to be unable to read it, but I would take it kind if he would read a portion of it for me—which he readily agreed to. But, oh! the rays of light that darted into my mind while he read, and "opened to me the Scriptures!" I then spoke to him of my former wicked, unprofitable life. He said, "The blood of Jesus Christ, God's Son, cleanseth from all sin." I then said, the only comfort I could derive from the many years I had lived, was when a very young boy, as I have formerly stated; but I saw that although I had lived all my life in this comparatively harmless way I was condemned; for it is written, "Cursed is every one that continueth not in all things written in the book of the law, to do them." He answered, "That whatever the law saith, it saith to them that are under the law, that every mouth may be stopped, and all the world become guilty before God;" but that "Christ Jesus had redeemed us from the curse of the law, by being made a curse for them who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit;" and moreover, "it was not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost, shed on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Saviour." After some conversation of this kind, we took leave of each other, he promising soon to come back and see me. I need hardly tell you how we frequently "took sweet counsel together," while he remained in the hospital; but his complaint getting better, he was ordered to his duty, which truly I was very sorry for. But by God's kindness in sending me this instructor, I was put into the way that leads to everlasting life; and my mind being led into "wisdom's ways, which are pleasantness and peace," my body began gradually to recover.
The flux, however, still continuing, and keeping me in a state of extreme weakness, I was advised by one of my fifers to take a dose of corks and wine without the doctor's knowledge, since all his medicine hitherto appeared ineffectual for stopping the flow of blood. I was rather averse to this prescription, which was a pint of wine, made as warm as I could possibly drink it, and a burnt cork reduced to a powder and mixed with it, and this dose I was to take for three nights; and, to encourage me, he said some of our former regiment were cured by it when we were in Ireland. I accordingly took this horse medicine with great difficulty; and you may easily imagine that it could not be otherwise, considering that I had eaten nothing for about a fortnight; and more particularly, that my mouth was perfectly raw with the mercury which is given in obstinate cases of this disease, and the cork stuck in my throat, so that it was hardly possible for me to get it over; however, I got it managed for the three nights; but never would I advise a friend of mine to try such an experiment, for the pain of the flux was never so severe as that produced by this savage dose. After being a few days in this extreme pain, the flux of blood disappeared, and I got gradually better, but I have never enjoyed my former health; and, I believe, stopping the blood so suddenly was permanently unfavourable to my constitution.
I must not omit informing you, that my good friend the Colonel, with whom I enlisted in Dublin, used to pay me a visit frequently; and finding me in better health and spirits than formerly, he told the doctor to let me want for nothing which could be of service to me. The doctor then inquired very particularly into my case. I told him the blood had left me, and that my mouth was rather better. He ordered me a pint of wine every day, and a bit of fowl for dinner. In a word, by the blessing of God, I got a good deal better, and left the hospital upon the 9th November; but I had not been at my duty many days, when an order came for seven companies to go to Madras, by a frigate and two country ships, which were ready for us in the bay. We embarked upon the 25th November, the staff and light company went on board of La Dedaigneuse, a frigate formerly taken from the French; and the rest of the regiment (except two companies left at the island) went on board of the two country ships. We had a very rough passage, having high winds, swelling seas, and a leaky ship; and being exposed to the weather, as we took our watch upon deck in turns, I was again seized with a severe flux. The Colonel, seeing me one day on deck, inquired very kindly how I was? I told him the truth; and he was very angry that I should expose myself in such weather, especially after my late severe illness. I made the best apology I could, but he was not satisfied, and desired me to go to the surgeon and let my case be known. He likewise asked me what liquor I received? I told him half a pint of arrack daily; but I said that I did not think that it was agreeing with me. So he spoke to the doctor, who ordered me a pint of wine in place of it, and to keep myself constantly below. The frigate, as I have stated above, was very leaky; and having to encounter a dreadful hurricane during four nights and days, it was with difficulty that the crew, with the assistance of the soldiers, could