as I have never wept, ran on my cheeks.
“The young boy did not know who I was, or from where I came“ said I to myself softly, “and hence, he avoided me like a shameful animal. I am, indeed, nowhere on my forehead marked, or have I ceased to look like a human, because I feel I cannot love anyone any more?”
The despise of this young boy was more painful to me than three years of forced labor, because I meant to do him good, and could not accuse him of any personal blame.
I sat on a stall across the church; what I wanted particularly at this moment, I did not know;
I knew only, as I stood up with bitterness, that of all the people I knew formerly, none has granted me a welcome, not a single person.
Unwillingly, I left the place and went to look for some accommodation; as I was at the corner of a street, I ran into my Anna: “The Boss!” shouted she loudly, and made a movement to embrace me. “You are here again, dear Boss! Thank God! You are back here!“
Hunger and misery were visible in her way of dressing, the trace of a shameful disease could be seen on her face, and her look betrayed the most repulsive creature into which she was lowered.
I figured rapidly what has been happening here; some dragons of the Prince, who precisely were passing by, allowed me to guess that there was now a garrison in the small town. “A woman for soldiers!” I shouted and turned my back laughing. It did me good that a creature was still lower than me among the livings. I just realized I have never loved her anyway.
My mother was dead. My creditors have reimbursed themselves with my small house. I have no one and nothing any more. The entire world fled me as if I was a poison; however, I have finally learned to be ashamed. Before, I retracted from the view of the human beings, because despise was unbearable to me. Now, I compelled myself into scaring the world and deride myself for such behaviour.
It did me some good, because I have nothing more to lose and have nothing more to save. I needed not to have any good quality any more, because people expected none from me any more.
The whole world stood open for me, I would have, maybe, been an honest man in a foreign province; but, anyway, I have lost the courage only to appear so at home. Despair and shamefulness compelled me, finally, into this way of thinking.
It was the last illusion which was left to me: I thought I still had my honour after having paid my debt to society, but now I know I will also have to learn to do without honour, because I might not make pretence to any, any more. Would my vanity and my pride have still survived all the humiliation; hence, I would have had to get rid of them myself.
What I should, now, particularly be deciding, was unknown even to me. I would carry out wrongdoings, I still repeated to myself gloomily. I would be serving my destiny. The laws, I told myself, were good deeds for the world; hence, I conceived a plan to violate them; previously, I had sinned from necessity and carelessness; now, I will do it, voluntarily, for my own enjoyment.
The first of my misdeeds was to continue hunting wild animals. Hunting, anyway, has progressively become a passion to me, and I wanted to earn a living from it. However, it was not the only reason; it delighted me to deride the Prince's edict and to damage my landlords with all my forces. To be caught was not any more a concern to me, for I have prepared, now, a bullet for the person who would catch me, and I knew that my shot would not miss its target.
I shot at anything wild that I came cross with; only with a few did I make money, I let most of them decay on the spot. I lived miserably to finance my expenses on ammunition and powder. My ravages with the great hunt became known; however, other people's suspicion did not bear down on me any more. My outlook did wipe any out, for my name was forgotten.
This way of living went on for a few months.
One morning, as usual I had crossed the woods to follow the track left by a stag. I exhausted myself in vain for two long hours and already began to hold my prey as lost, when I discovered it, at once, at a shooting distance. I was about to shoot and fire, but suddenly, the view of a hat a few steps before me, frightened me.
I explored it more precisely and recognized the hunter Robert who, behind the thick trunk of an oak, was preparing to shoot at the wild beast which I had also determined to shoot. This view sent a deadly coldness, deep into my bones. There was the man whom I, among all living creatures, hated most ferociously, and this man was given to me, at the mercy of my bullet. This view made me believe that the whole world was at the reach of my weapon, and the hate of my whole life would condense into a single pressure of my fingertip with which I should be performing the murder.
An invisible, terrible hand hanged over me, the decisive hour of my destiny appeared irrevocably in this dark minute. My arm trembled as I allowed the shotgun to execute my horrible choice; my teeth clenched as if paralyzed by a fever frost, and breathing was suspended chokingly in my lungs.
The direction of my shot remained uncertain, wavering, for one long minute, between the human being and the stag: a minute and then another one, and again revenge and conscience struggled insistently and yet indecisively in me; finally, revenge won, and there laid the hunter, dead, on the ground.
My rifle fell with the shot. ”Murderer!” stammered I slowly. The forest was as quiet as a cathedral. I heard distinctively that I said to myself “You are a murderer!”.
As I sneaked closer, I saw that the man has died. I stood for a long time, speechless, before him; a light laughter, finally, made me breathe fresh air. “Now, you will not denounce me any more, my good friend!” I said and went bravely nearer, while, at the same time, turning the murdered's face to myself. His eyes were bulging. I became serious and suddenly, silent again. I began to feel strange.
Until now, I acted upon the shamefulness of my past condemnations; now, something has happened for which I was still not sentenced.
An hour ago, I believed that no one would have convinced me that there was a person worse than me on earth; now, I began to wonder if an hour ago, my situation really was still to be envied.
I did not apprehend the judgement of God; to the contrary, another judgement, I did not know about, did concern me. There were confused memories about rope and sword and about the execution of an infanticide which I have seen when I was a schoolboy. Something particularly terrible for me hovered in my mind: the thought that from now on, my life has gone totally astray. I did not remember anything any more.
I wished, at once, that Robert could still live. I did violence to myself by reminding so vividly all the malice that the deceased had inflicted upon me when he was living. However, how strange! My memory was completely blank. I could not recall anything any more about what had brought me, in a matter of a quarter of an hour, into a rage. I really did not conceive how I did arrive to this act of murder.
I stood still before the corpse, always silent.
The cracks of some whips and the creaks of a freight carriage which echoed through the woods, brought me back to reality. The country road was hardly a quarter of a mile away from where the murder took place. I had to think, now, about my safety.
Involuntarily, I lost myself deeper into the forest. On the way, I remembered that the victim had possessed a pocket watch. I needed money to reach the frontier; and hence, I felt the courage to return to the place where the murder occurred. At that moment, a thought about the devil and the almighty God frightened me. I summoned all my whole courage, decided to go through the whole hell and then, went back to the crime scene.
I found what I have expected, and even found money in a green purse, about a little over a Thaler in coins.
Precisely there, as I was about to take both loots with me, I suddenly halted for a moment and thought. It was not a result of shame, also not of fear which led me to worsen my crime with plundering. I believe, it was defiance; anyway, I threw the watch away and kept only half the money. I would be hold for a personal enemy of the murdered, but not for his robber.
Now, I was fleeing towards the woods. I knew that the woods stretched northward still four German miles further and headed towards the frontier. I ran breathlessly