The Ex-Pat's Guide to the Best of the Wurst. John Doyle

hate small talk because unlike Americans, they don’t mind pregnant pauses in the middle of conversations. Americans hate them. If there’s a pause anywhere in a conversation in the U.S. someone will jump in with something meaningless like: “Hey, did you catch the game last night? Or “Can you believe how humid it is outside?” Not the Germans. They’ll just sit there in the humidity with beats of sweat pouring down their faces until someone has something important to say.

      And last but not least, here’s why Germans REALLY hate small talk. Because it’s small! That’s right. Because it’s miniscule, tiny, and incredibly insignificant. That’s why. If it were BIG TALK and not small talk, they’d have no problem with it. In fact, they’d be great at it. Probably world champs! They’d begin by quoting literature and the latest from the world of microbiology, transition to something more topical, and wrap things up with a dissertation on Kant or Nietzsche.

      You’d have people asking one another in the streets:

      “Hey, did you read Nietzsche last night?”

      “Sure did. Right after I got finished with Kierkegaard.”

      “Kierkegaard? Why Kierkegaard? Why not Kant?”

      “Kant? Never. He’s too superficial!”

      “You’re right about that one!”

      5. Thorough answers to thorough questions!

      When Germans ask questions they really want answers, long detailed answers. It’s not like in America where people ask you questions just to be nice, or to feign interest. In Germany, no one cares about being nice or feigning interest. In Germany, people care about information.

       For example, health-related information:

      Germans love health-related information. That’s because Germans love talking about their health. And not just old Germans, all Germans! Even young Germans. I remember a long conversation I once had with a guy I was studying with. He told me he had problems with his circulation, and that if he woke up before 10 am, his circulatory system wouldn’t be about to handle it. I responded by asking him: “That sounds terrible! Do you have a will?” His reply: “Of course I do! I’m not stupid!”

       How are you?

      All health-related matters in Germany begin with the question “How are you?” That’s why if you want to really impress Germans, don’t tell them you’re feeling great or fantastic, or awesome. Tell them you have migraines, back pain, a slipped disk, Ebola, the Plague…essentially anything that requires detailed explanation will do.

       Weather related information:

      If you love talking about the weather, about high and low pressure systems, and about barometric pressure, come to Germany because Germans also love talking about the weather (but not in a superficial small talk way, in a very detailed way).

      I remember waiting for the bus and asking the person standing next to me: “Why does it rain so much in Germany?” Had the guy been from my corner of the world, he would have answered: “I also hate it when it rains. Fucking rain! It sucks!”

      But, because he was German, he answered: “It has to do with the low pressure systems that absorb a lot of moisture in the Mediterranean due to the high temperatures there.”

      I remember thinking: “Exactly, that’s just what I was considering!”

      That’s the cool thing about Germany. Here people just don’t bitch about the weather, they bitch about it in great detail!

       Information pertaining to why YOU in particular are in Germany

      Germans also want detailed information on where you’re from, if it’s not the same tiny town or village that they’re from. I didn’t know this when I first got here. For years I remember thinking: “Why does it feel like people are interrogating me here?

      People kept asking me: “Where do you come from? What are you doing in Germany? When are you leaving?”

      I used to say: “I’m from New Jersey in the United States,” and leave it at that, completely unaware of the fact that I was torturing my German friends and acquaintances by withholding the details and facts that they so desperately needed for survival.

      People would prod further. They’d fire off questions about Germany: “Do you like it here? Did you register with the authorities? What do you think about recycling?”

      I was completely overwhelmed and didn’t know what to say. My stock answers back then were: “Germany is great!” or “Germany is fantastic! I love it here!” People looked at me like I was from another planet.

      But that was then, and this is now. Now I know what’s going on. When Germans ask me: “Where are you from?” they don’t want to hear “New Jersey.” They want to hear: “I’m from New Jersey, the fourth smallest state of the USA, which by the way is named after the English Channel Island Jersey, with a total area of 22,588 square kilometers (14,036 miles) of which 3,377 square kilometers (2,098 miles) are made up of bodies of water.”

      When they hear this, they’re happy!