Kashi. Daniela Jodorf

ran down the staircase, out of the hotel into the dark and empty streets of early morning Berlin. He did not care where he ran, he just wanted to get away, knowing that his action was futile and yet not being able to stop. In his mind images of Karen Garin, sitars, the boatman and Varanasi mixed in an endless stream of images that he could not stop willingly.

      It was five in the morning now, and he began to feel exhausted from the long aimless walk. “Berlin”, he thought desperately, “what have you got in store for me?” But to his own surprise, he did not wish, he had never come to Berlin. It was good to be here, and it was right, he felt. He slowed down his exhausting pace and began to perceive the outer world again. The apartments were still dark. People slept undisturbed, he thought jealously. “Why am I so much afraid”, he asked himself. “What is so frightening in my experience, that I need to run from it? I don´t want to change”, he thought again. “I don´t want my life to change.”

      He had had a strong resistance to change since early childhood. He had been five when his family had moved to a new neighborhood in Boston. Paul had refused to go outside for more than a month. Only when school had started he had agreed to go, but not because he had given in. This is why his divorce was so painful for him, too. Paul had thought he would be with his family forever. The possibility of change did not occur to him, and when it was impossible to avoid, it felt like a devastating defeat. "You can not run away anymore", his inner voice told him. "This change is – more than any other change before – the most important one in your life. If you allow it, it will set you free!"

      It was decided. He would go to India. He had to give it a try. What could he lose? One sentence of last night's dream echoed in Paul´s mind: “From now on, you cannot follow your ego anymore, your worldly desires. You can only follow your soul, which will lead you to the soul of music.” And – truly – for the first time in his life, Paul felt, that he followed the real needs of his soul, searching for openness, curiosity, growth, and evolvement. He left the worldly path and stepped on the spiritual road of growing inner awareness without knowing where he was heading.

      Paul walked into the Indian embassy to apply for a tourist visa before midday. When he picked it up in the afternoon, his flight to Delhi was already booked for next Monday. Paul had decided not to return to New York before. He only had to make a few important phone calls, first of all with his son. Sean took the change of plans more coolly than Paul had expected.

      “Don´t worry, Dad. My friend David invited me to his house in San Diego. He lives right on the beach, and we can go surfing anytime. Mom said you would be too disappointed if I don´t go to see you in New York, but honestly Dad, New York is terrible in winter. I am not too keen on skating in Central Park. Next time you should come to California."

      Paul laughed, feeling assuaged. “You are absolutely right, son. I will come as soon as I am back from India.”

      “What are you up to there anyways?” Sean wanted to know.

      “I have no idea!”

      “No concert, no composition for Bollywood?”

      “No. This is a private trip. I have been invited by a sitar player.”

      “Wow. A private trip. Have a good time, Dad. And see you in L.A.!

      “See you, Sean. Love you!”

      “Love you too, Dad.”