of the bath, pulled the curtain, and turned on the water. It was cold, and now and then Robert shuddered, but he had no desire to change the temperature, he didn’t want to relax. On the contrary, the cold shower brought him back to reality. And as he dressed again, stepped out of the bathroom, and proceeded to his usual spot, the chair on the balcony overlooking the kitchen, everything that had happened during the day flashed through his mind. An exhausting meeting, dinner with his daughter, a conversation with a friend, an altercation with his wife and mother-in-law, hurtful words spoken during an argument, his usual fatigue, anger, and impotence.
It’s the first quarter past twelve on the clock. The time flew by so quickly, and tomorrow is a new day. And again everything is the same, the familiar script, everything is tasteless and boring, incomprehensible and, characteristically, unsolvable. Outwardly, everything seems fine: there is an apartment with an almost paid mortgage, a wife, a healthy and intelligent daughter, and in general terms, a stable job. But there were gaps in this puzzle: the lack of progress in his career, annoying and stupid management, endless quarrels at home, lack of time for the child, his wife’s problems at work and constant fatigue. Suddenly Robert caught himself thinking that for about ten minutes he had been mindlessly reviewing the list of contacts in his phone. Yes… It was obvious that he wanted to speak out, to tell about all his worries and dedicate someone to his thoughts, maybe together in a conversation to find a way out. But who would he talk to? George – he is, of course, very perceptive, but still a man isn’t family and is unlikely to understand his problems. Mrs. Laura is one of the head teachers at school, the only one of his colleagues with whom he had a warm, trusting relationship, always advised him the same thing: divorce, take your daughter and go to Moscow. But he knew that was not the answer. Mom… No, calling his mother in the middle of the night and talking to her about what was on his mind was out of the question. Margaret, who from the very beginning had been against his going to the countryside and had only visited her twice in all the years he had lived here (the rest of the time he visited her in the capital himself), naturally would have reacted emotionally. And so Robert didn’t want to disturb her.
He fumbled for the lock button, turned off the phone screen, and thought again, “It really was a good idea to talk. Suddenly it hit him”. Turning on the phone screen again, he typed in the search box the name that he remembered well after the conversation in the cafe: " Jessica Highlander. Yes, she was a well-known psychotherapist, motivational psychologist, practicing Gestalt techniques, five years of experience, author of scientific articles and the acclaimed book “Through Life with a Smile” with a circulation of more than a million copies. The book was presented a year earlier, and the book was sold out.
Rising from his chair, Robert, without turning on the light, proceeded to the hallway, fumbled for his briefcase, took out his wallet and business card with an invitation, and then hastily put it behind the phone cover, so as not to lose it. And smiled to himself. He reminded himself of a schoolboy, who is hiding some secret from everyone in the dark. He felt better. Robert looked into his daughter’s room, she was already asleep. Mary, despite the rift that had occurred, still took care of her daughter, as usual. Kissing Alice on the forehead goodnight, Robert thought of his wife: “She’s a good girl, after all, I’m just confused and don’t know what to do, don’t know how to fix the situation.”
It was quiet and dark in the matrimonial bedroom. Mary was already asleep, and that pleased him. Maybe he had done wrong by not talking to her, but now he didn’t want to see her tears and hear her reproaches again. Robert lay quietly beside her and fell into a deep sleep almost instantly.
Chapter 2 – Conflicts to conflict
A week had passed since that altercation. Robert reconciled with his wife, but his relationship with his mother-in-law still left a lot to be desired, and there was still a residue from the words spoken that night. It seemed to everyone that the evening was somehow strange, incomprehensible to anyone and a turning point. Something was gradually dying away, like fog with the first rays of the sun. His love, tenderness, affection for Alice, for Mary, his wife, the mother of his child, was gradually receding into the background. The daily grind at work, the routine of his relationships became a burden that hung like a weight, preventing, as it seemed to Robert, to lift his spirits. From time to time it occurred to me that perhaps the family was the factor that not only killed Robert’s desire to change something in his life, but also fueled his despondency.
Of course, he kept these thoughts to himself, tried not to succumb to them, didn’t want to believe that any of it could be true. But the thoughts, like tectonic magma, were breaking through and would one day have to come out with a deafening force and roar. But right now it was easier for him to get away from thinking and immerse himself in the endless routine of work and family affairs.
“Beloved” mother-in-law, an uncompromising old woman, both after the scandalous evening and on this Thursday morning as if nothing had happened, came to help her daughter around the house. When she saw that the borscht had been left on the stove uneaten by anyone, she burst into a storm of emotions, expressed her displeasure to her daughter by telephone, and, since dinner was ready for the evening, she began to sweep and scrub the floors in her daughter’s apartment. Elizabeth perceived cooking and cleaning her son-in-law’s and daughter’s apartment as her immediate duty, not realizing that by doing so she was interfering with normal family life, not only for her daughter, but also for her young husband.
Everything was as usual. The scandal was just background noise that had no effect on what was going on. The mother-in-law would come to their apartment, cook dinner, help with the cleaning, give instructions about her granddaughter’s upbringing, and babysit her. And then she would take Alice to vocals or art school and then go back to sit in the kitchen until her favorite son-in-law arrived. It may even have seemed that there was a second wife in the house – a kind of caring altruist. But no. Every night in the kitchen sat not a kind angel, but an old, nervous madam, which more and more irritated Robert. But he could not cope with her negative influence.
All week Robert came home from work, listened to the conversations of his mother-in-law and could not be alone with his wife. After leaving Elizabeth, there were only a few minutes to have a few phrases with his wife about the upcoming plans, take a shower and sink into a sound sleep. Robert even began to think that it could not be otherwise. The routine of family life had brought the man to automatic behavior. Sometimes his emotions ran high, and sometimes his wife even thought he was hugging her, but he was hugging her, rather unconsciously, in his sleep. She, too, was no longer expecting anything, and seemed to be guided by a sense of duty – after all, they had a child and responsibilities. The relationship had become a kind of quintessential mutual obligation.
Yes, and the job is just as strange, but even more ridiculous routine, which was even more annoying than the old mother-in-law. The head teacher of the school was a “shitwork”. Robert was constantly making the other teachers do the work that, in his own opinion, was not really good for a teacher. Every day filled a lot of papers: reports, curricula, documents for preparation for contests, examinations, attestations. Paperwork, work with scholarly tables, schedules, checking and rechecking teachers’ reports, calls, letters, administrative duties, trips to meetings, and all that stuff had long ceased to be activities that brought satisfaction. It became obvious that this kind of work was disappointing to the young principal, and was gradually killing off the fervor of his idealism. Where had his desire to change the school system, to put it on a normal human footing, gone?
What struck Robert the most was his colleagues’ indifference to his innovations. Recently they had been asked to convert most of the teachers’ documentation into electronic form. But to do that they had to literally force all teachers to work in the electronic system. Young teachers had no problem accepting the innovation. But older colleagues reacted skeptically. Oil in the fire poured and the principal, who not only didn’t want to help Robert, but sometimes even interfered, played a double game, thus undermining the authority of the head teacher in the school community.
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