without love, life loses all meaning. A life lived without love is to not have lived life at all! Do you remember dancing under the moon with me? You said to me, „You’d be a great dancer, if it weren’t for two small problems…“ I asked: „Which ones?“ and you answered happily, „your legs.“ Then I started to take lessons, then all you could do was hang onto my shoulders. And do you remember when we went and placed bets at the horse racing? How did we make our way in life? We bought a nice little house and garden, and we got to work on it together… I trimmed the bushes into shape, and you grew those beautiful roses…» but behind his smile he hid a sharp pang of longing for the past, which was a bloody long time ago now. «And I remember how patiently you taught me to cook… You really hoped for me to become an outstanding cook, or chef, as you always said. You were so romantic. Still are to this day!»
«And to this day you still bake the best pies in all of Birmingham», said Kevin distantly.
«You know, Kathryn, I still have these dreams where I see myself standing at a white-hot stove, ordering the younger cooks around, taste testing sauces, and ordering the slower waiters to get a move on. And then I catch sight of you, always very feverish and utterly irresistible, carrying a battered tray in your hands, and it’s always a moment of joy. I stare directly into your eyes, and an invisible channel forms between us, connecting us and through which I speak straight into your soul. And in our souls we’re always so comfortable together. We always were a great team, right?»
«Not everything was so perfect, dear. We did argue about stupid little things, but we always made up afterwards.»
«Yes, sometimes it was really impossible to put up with you! A real monster! But I accepted that it was better to argue with you several times a day than to succumb to the heat-of-the-moment desire to take someone else, and to spend the rest of my life agonising over that decision…»
«I know what you’re on about, Kevin… again about that bow legged, blond trainee covered in makeup, who came to your pub for work experience and very soon had you on your back in the back room?» she said condescendingly. But in her condescending words there was a hint of offence.
«I was really upset by our fight that day. It was a difficult time in the infancy of our relationship… A sort of crisis, it seemed to me. That day a devil got into me, and I let passion and emotion take hold of me… But no… I felt absolutely nothing for her, she just had a great body… and it happened. But that was the only time that happened. And it meant nothing.»
«You don’t need to keep bringing up the mistakes of your youth, dear… Don’t let those memories torment you. We’re together now, and that’s what matters. And how lucky I’ve been in life!» her face suddenly became crimson.
«This morning I woke up thinking that I was the luckiest man on earth. That my life is complete… Life… how quickly it has gone…» Kevin was emotional and spoke quickly, as if speaking straight from the soul in an attempt to relieve it of some burden. She remained silent, her lips tightly shut.
«But along with the joy that came to our home when you first arrived with the innocent smiles of our little girls, Rachel and Erin, there also came fear, yes, fear. For their future. For life…»
«For their health,» she reminded him. «Rachel proved to be full of surprises, and Erin, my clever girl Erin, had to overcome that difficult operation…»
«Erin is going to be fine, Kathryn. You’ll see. But Rachel, I really want to see her get better. I pray to God for that every day.»
«They both live in our hearts, and in our prayers, Kevin…»
«I just can’t get my head around it, what’s wrong with her? Do you remember a few weeks after you returned from the maternity home, she turned Erin’s pram on its side and the tiny little thing screamed and fell out onto the floor? At least she was unharmed, apart from one scratch! And sometimes she pinched her so much that the poor, defenceless little thing couldn’t stop crying. Where did all that malice come from? I still can’t fathom it to this day, where did we go wrong? What did we do to deserve that?»
«You can’t blame us for all that, dear. We weren’t bad parents. I think everything will look up eventually. We need to be a bit more patient. We will leave it in the hands of God, and the doctors. She is in good hands. First, we must take care of you, Kevin. Tell me some good news, please… Or sing something…»
«I don’t want to sing, Kathryn. And as you know I am not an orator. Never was. I can’t articulate my emotions well. We men are tough creations. However, I can tell you this, you were my guiding star. No one can take our love off us! I am grateful to you for every day that we spent together. You deserved much better than me. All I can do now is beg for your forgiveness for every upset I inflicted on you.» His face remained motionless and grey, his gaze fixed on the ceiling.
«And forgive me, Kevin. Sometimes I wore you down with my nit-picking, I really bugged you…»
«So, finally you admit it?» Kevin said triumphantly.
«Yes, I admit it. I remember our arguments, I always wanted to win because victory made me feel more self-confident. That’s why I always stood my ground, even though it damaged our relationship. It seemed to me that I had to assert my right to supremacy in the family. How was I to know that the happiness of the family was more important than our exhausting squabbling in search of an imaginary justice?»
«I’m glad to be assured that wisdom definitely does come with age, Kathryn!»
«But you were wise even at the beginning of our life together, dear! You could have turned your back on me and left a long time ago. But you didn’t. You always forgot about the most recent argument for the sake of making the peace, for the sake of love. Don’t you think that is amazing? And I am grateful to you for it.»
«I did not leave you, but this was only because I always remembered the words of the vicar at our wedding in St Chad’s Cathedral. He asked us if we were ready to „be faithful to one another, in illness or health, in happiness or sadness, for rich or for poor?“ We both answered we were. And then he pronounced us man and wife, adding: „That which God has united, man cannot separate,“ Kathryn, I cannot repeat this enough, remember this. I am happy… I am waiting for my time, and I’m not scared…»
«Don’t give me that nonsense!» and the emotional nature of her incorrigible soul boiled over inside her, «at least not on your birthday! Have you thought about us?»
«You need to face facts. I have cancer. I am completely disabled. Life, if this state of being can be called life, has taken a turn for the worst. The doctors shrug their shoulders and won’t even look me in the eye. They’ve already written me off.»
«Whilst your lungs have breath in them, Kevin, you are fighting. You are alive, even if only for our sake.»
«But why? Why should I go on without hope? If the pain killers are now useless? If new and intolerable suffering and gloom increases by the hour? But the law of life is simple: one must pay for one’s own sins…»
«Will you stop beating that into the ground?» she choked out through tears. «I forgave you a long time ago for that fling with the trainee… Although I swore once never to forget about it!»
«But you spent a long time exploiting my guilt… That exploit has left a small scar on my conscience… and shame… But I’m not talking about that.»
«What are you talking about then?»
«That’s not important, Kathryn…»
«Is there something else I don’t know about? Tell me, Kevin, sharing a problem halves it. Don’t let your conscience torment you.»
«I can’t. It’s a long story…»
«I’ll find out sooner or later.»
«Please be