the powers vested in me to arrest you until you remedy this blasphemous situation,” said Vordius Onato. He wrapped a giant arm around Uni’s shoulders and squeezed him until he cried out in pain. Then he dragged his friend’s puny body into their favorite drinking establishment.
The Roasted Rabbit might not have been one of the best-known taverns in Enteveria, but it offered the most fun, with the highest concentration of wine-lovers anywhere in the Empire. As its name indicated, the tavern was known for roasting rabbits, pheasants, and other delicacies brought in by hunters, which made it the ideal choice for gatherings of “real men” and anyone who wanted to sit next to them at prices that were more than reasonable for the capital city.
There were no seats to be had, but Vordius solved the problem in his usual manner: he simply knocked three of the most well-oiled customers off their chairs.
He gestured at a server. “Man, over here!” The server reacted quickly when he saw the guardsman. Vordius was feeling expansive. “Bring us the best of everything: rabbit, vegetables, bread, nuts. And make sure it’s all fresh!”
“Are you drinking wine or beer?”
“Bring both.”
“What kind of wine? We have a fortified wine from Seregad that is particularly nice.”
“I said bring everything!”
“Yes, your honor!”
Uni’s eyes were round. “I can’t believe it! You’ve been a nicor for less than a week and you’re already bossing everyone around. What will you be like when they make you a commander?”
“Would you rather sit here for an hour before they notice you? The way I do it, we already have a feast on our table.”
“Lovely. But who is going to pay for it?”
“He is,” Vordius said, pointing his huge finger at Sorgius, whose eyes had rolled up in delight at the smell of the beer. “He’ll pay for each word he said against my very best friend,” and the warrior wrapped his powerful arm around Uni’s face and kissed him on the top of the head.
“Of course, you brought me along to be the wallet,” Sorgius whined. “I wish I had known when we were boys together that I would end up buying your friendship with beer.”
“You brought it on yourself, fool! How many times have I told you to stop measuring everything in money? You’re a philanderer with years of experience, but when I asked you to give Uni advice, you just brushed me off. How could you? Can’t you see your friend is dying?”
“If he’s dying, then let’s drink the first toast to our friendship. May there always be someone to take the noose from around your neck!”
“To friendship!” Each member of the small group poured a little of his wine into his neighbor’s cup and then drank his own dry.
“See, Uni,” Sorgius turned to his neighbor, whose face was already pink. “Your fatal mistake was entirely banal. That’s what makes it so tragic. Your fault is how you look at a woman.”
“How do you know how I look at a woman?”
Sorgius snorted. “Do you think you’re one-of-a-kind? Everyone goes through it. See, you look at women as if they were holy beings. Goddesses. That’s the root of your problem.”
“But how else am I supposed to look at the woman I love? That’s normal.”
“Normal?” Sorgius snorted again. “What’s normal is seeing a woman for what she is. In reality. A woman is a pretty face that hides a very pragmatic, earthy nature. She has no time for romantic nonsense, and she usually knows perfectly well what she wants from life.”
“What does she want?”
“For a man to pay attention to her and take care of her. That’s the main idea. First of all, she has to see you as a man. Then, you have to show her some attention. Nothing else matters.”
“Fine. What is a man like that supposed to do with a woman?”
“Vordius can tell you all about that.” He turned to the guardsman with a grin. “How are you and Luvia getting along?”
The guardsman looked up and frowned. “Don’t you dare speak lightly of my Luvia!” He grabbed Sorgius by the front of his robe and shook him.
“You mean you haven’t done anything yet? Liar!” Sorgius shook with laughter.
“Luvia isn’t one of those girls. We will not have relations until the wedding. That was my decision!”
“A wedding? There’s a first! No wonder you set your eyes on a nice girl like that. But wait, how many others did you have before her? Come on, share your secrets with your best friend.”
“See here, Uni…” Vordius started in, tearing rabbit meat into strips on his plate.
“Little Uni!” Sorgius reminded him with a sneer.
“That’s right, Little Uni. See here,” Vordius put down his knife and looked up at his friend. He softened when he saw the conflicting feelings of irritation and laughter that had twisted Uni’s face into a mask. Uni was actually missing their fourth friend – Dag, at whose presence, for an unknown mystical reason, the guys mocked him less. Dag has not yet returned from his trip to the country, and without him their team was not complete.
“Actually, I don’t think you have time to be thinking about girls right now.”
“Why is it that you have time and I don’t?”
“That’s not what I meant. I’m trying to say that if you want to be successful with women, you’ll have to change yourself first.”
Uni shook his head. “I know, I know. I work in a basement and I don’t know anything about life. I’ve heard that a hundred times.”
“I don’t care what building you work in. See, a man is supposed to have an iron will and make people notice him. Who cares about your archive? And who cares what kind of work you do there? Licisium Dorgoe sold bread on the street when he was a young man, and now he’s the Emperor’s most trusted advisor.”
“That’s the truth,” said Sorgius, leaning back in his chair and scratching behind his ear. “Any other man would have made a name for himself in that archive of yours.”
“How would he do that? Selling scrolls? Or charging for access to closed storerooms? Sorgius, you can be a dishonest piece of trash if you want. Just don’t get your dirt on the rest of us, alright?”
“A dishonest piece of trash? Me? Have you forgotten how you, with that chicken head of yours, lost a scroll of Erido Mortimi’s prophecies last year? I’m the one who went out and bought you a copy of the scroll for three hundred leros. And I see I was a fool to do it, if you think you can…”
“I’m sorry, Sorgius, I spoke too harshly.”
“That you did. Why don’t you sit and listen sometimes, instead of telling fairy tales about far-off lands that no one wants to hear.”
“But they aren’t fairy tales.”
“That’s enough!” roared Vordius. “We drank to our friendship already, but I see that once was not enough. Let’s try the fortified wine. Empty your cups!”
“I can’t, I’ll get drunk,” said Uni, already red-faced. He wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his best robe (which he had put on especially to impress Siana).
“Eat more and listen,” said Vordius, who was enjoying the role of teacher. “Do you know what your biggest mistake in life is? You spend too much time gathering abstract knowledge. You need a completely different kind of knowledge if you want to be successful at anything.”
“Fascinating. I suppose you’ll tell me what that knowledge is?”
“How to behave around people, you fool! You run around that