Something Like Happy. Sasha Greene

focused on the little things. The feel of grass under his right hand where it had slipped off the edge of the rug. The gentle breeze on this face. The sound of a blackbird singing in a tree somewhere. It was a beautiful day.

      Jade watched Nick as he lay on the ground. His face looked different, she realised. The line in the middle of his forehead had smoothed out to almost nothing, and his breath rose and fell evenly. He even had a faint smile on his lips. She suddenly wished she could freeze him just like that. Life was so cruel to people with mental health problems. Break a leg, and everyone gave you sympathy. Go through a crisis that seemed to be entirely in your brain, and people didn’t really have a clue about how to react.

      There was a vigorous discussion going on around her about how to set up the croquet teams. Jade leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes, only half listening. The sun warmed her face, making her think that she should have brought sun cream. Lily would have some. But it could wait just a bit longer before she put some on.

      Someone tapped her on the shoulder. ‘It’s three teams of four, and then the winners will all play each other.’

      Jade opened her eyes, shading the sun with her hand as she looked up at Connie. ‘OK. What are the teams?’

      ‘Well, Archie and Nick, with—’

      ‘Oh no.’ Archie interrupted. ‘I’m too old for all these shenanigans.’

      Nick sat up. ‘Oh, come on, Archie. I can’t believe you’re wimping out of this one.’ His hair was all tousled from lying on the grass, and Jade longed to smooth it down for him.

      Archie looked down at Nick, slightly affronted. ‘Well, young man, unless you’re going to invent a new sport called wheelchair croquet …’

      Nick’s face broke out in a massive grin. ‘I don’t have to. It’s already been invented. More than a hundred years ago in fact.’ He jumped up and grabbed the back of Archie’s wheelchair. ‘And we are going to play it.’

      Jade couldn’t help laughing at the eager expression on Archie’s face as Nick wheeled him over to the centre of the small patch of grass that had been chosen as their croquet lawn. There was much discussion about the best way to set out the hoops, and then the game began.

      The croquet game was a lot of fun. Archie quickly adapted to his new skill, and Nick made fake racing noises as he steered the wheelchair around the grass. There were a lot of insults traded to try and put people off their game, and one of the helpers kept up an Olympic-style sports commentary which had them all in stitches.

      It was in the middle of the first round, when he was waiting for Archie to take a shot, that Nick looked straight over at Jade. Focused on Archie, she caught the movement, and looked up just in time to see Nick’s infectious grin and a wink. The action was so natural that she couldn’t help winking back. Nick turned his attention back to the game, but Jade was caught, stunned by the realisation that despite her best efforts to not get sucked in, she had. She now cared about his happiness. Very deeply, in fact.

      You’re going to have to tell him about me, Ruby whispered in her mind, if you care about him that much.

      Jade took a deep breath. She would, she thought. And actually, knowing about what had happened to someone else might even help Nick. And explain a lot of things to him about her own behaviour. But it wasn’t like she could just casually drop into the conversation something she had never told anyone else: you know what, my little sister committed suicide last year and it was all my fault …

      Dinner, she thought, struggling to focus. She was planning to invite him to dinner at home next week. Mum had promised to cook because she was dying to meet Nick anyway. She could take Nick up to her room and show him the photos and tell him then. That was a good plan. And her anger at herself was just something she would have to deal with, if there was a chance to help someone else.

      Lily, sitting next to her, touched her arm. ‘Are you OK?’

      That was Lily, just always quietly attuned to other people’s feelings. No wonder she had been so successful as a social worker. But Jade’s feelings of guilt connected with her sister’s death were something that she had never been able to reveal to anyone, not even Lily.

      ‘Yes actually.’ Jade pulled herself up in her chair and squeezed the older woman’s hand briefly. ‘I am.’ She twisted her neck from side to side, feeling the release of tension from her shoulders that had come from making the decision. She could do this. She would be strong.

      Cheering and clapping brought her focus back onto the game in front of her. Archie had won the game, although she didn’t know how much of that was due to his skill, or if the others had let him win. It didn’t matter anyway, she reminded herself. The whole point of this was to have fun.

      ‘Come on.’ She took Lily’s arm and helped her up. ‘We’re up next.’

      Jade flopped onto the picnic blanket, badly in need of a drink and glad for the tree that had thrown its shade over their sitting area as the sun grew higher. She would have loved to say that the final had been close, but as usual Jim had trounced everyone again, although second place had been a tightly-fought battle between Archie and Connie, with Archie losing out narrowly to the woman who often took care of Jim on these outings.

      ‘He’s been giving her lessons,’ Archie grumbled as Nick wheeled him back into position beside Lily’s chair.

      ‘Don’t feel too bad,’ Jade told him. ‘Jim was the national croquet champion three years running back in the day. I looked him up.’

      ‘I’m amazed that that’s really a thing,’ Nick said, throwing himself down beside her.

      Jade could feel his presence only inches away from hers, and it felt sort of comforting. If they had been alone then she probably would have reached out and touched him, but instead she just lay with her face propped up on her hands, enjoying the feeling of being near to him.

      Someone passed her a can. The cold metal felt amazing in her fingers, and when she cracked it open and felt the fizzy chill slide down her throat then she thanked whoever had invented ice boxes.

      They sat enjoying their sandwiches, watching the world go by and saying very little.

      ‘I bet the staff at your place are glad to get rid of everyone for a few hours,’ Nick said.

      Lily shook her head. ‘Maybe. They always use the time to give everywhere a proper clean, so it’s not like they’re getting a rest.’

      ‘Hmm.’ Nick was surprised. ‘They do work hard, don’t they?’ It made his nine to five, Monday to Friday seem pretty relaxed. But still, even eight hours in an office was too much if you hated it.

      It was all too soon for Jade when they had to pack up. She could have stayed in the park all afternoon. But she could feel her face getting slightly warm, in spite of the sun cream. She pushed herself up off the grass with regret.

      After everyone was settled back home, Jade walked Nick back to the station, despite his protests that he could find the way. It was starting to cloud over now and a strong breeze helped the fluffy masses through the sky.

      ‘Thanks for coming,’ she said, as they stopped by the station entrance.

      ‘My pleasure,’ Nick said. He put his palm on his face, which was already starting to look slightly pink. ‘But I really should remember to wear sun cream next time.’