In the Shade of Sidrat. Maryam Nashkhoeva

you just have to allow yourself to be happy without conditions or expectations. Four words: happiness lies in simplicity.

      As banal as it may sound, it’s true. You don’t need to look for happiness in luxury, money, expensive villas, or cars. It’s always nearby. It lives in a simple cotton shirt and worn-out jeans someone dear gave you. It’s in the pot of my favourite orchids and the fresh lilacs… and the lilies of the valley you bring me every morning. Happiness is in your smile, your hugs, the hot tea you’re drinking right now, the rocking chair you’re sitting in, the warmth of your hands… and in your embrace, Mommy.

      You know, I’ve always been afraid of change – of places, of homes, of people, of the opinions of others, of criticism. But it wasn’t worth it. Yes, it was a waste of time and nerves! What I should have been afraid of was the gray monotony and, at times, my own desires. The first is deadly; the second, fulfilling.

      Do you remember when I wanted to shave my head, and you talked me out of it for a whole month? You even promised to kick me out of the house if I did it. Do you remember? Well, my dream came true… somewhat too late.

      Do you remember how, as a child, I was afraid of the dark? And you always held my hand when I was scared. I never considered myself brave or strong, but it turns out, I am strong, Mommy. Every person has an inner strength, a magical power that helps them endure pain, overcome fear, and keep fighting – even against themselves.

      If I were weak, I wouldn’t have been able to cope with everything I’ve been through. But I’ve always known what I wanted. And now, I would give anything for a little time to do what I love. There would be no more “what if” in my life, because I’ve come to understand that “what if” doesn’t matter. It may never happen. What is to happen, will happen. I believe in fate; it always takes what it’s up to, no matter how much we resist or try to run from it. And now, it has come the turn of the most precious thing to become one of its belongings – my life.

      Mommy, I wake up at dawn now, greeting each morning with open arms. I go to bed late, trying to savour every second of life. Before I sleep, I count the stars, like we used to do when I was little. During the day, I listen to the birds singing outside the window, the quiet rustling of leaves, the thunder rolling in the distance. It’s like a spring orchestra – a beautiful symphony of nature. I breathe in the fresh scent of the wind and catch the wet drops of rain in my palm. Spring is a wonderful time. It ignites the sparks of change and always brings something fresh and joyful.

      You know, Mommy, I believe it’s so important for each person to have three flames burning inside them: love, hope, and kindness. With these, the Universe will be saved. Don’t think of me as a bore, I know you never heard me speak like this before. I was always the iron lady, focused on my career, but fate had other plans for me, and now, I’m someone different. As strange as it may sound, it’s thanks to this deadly illness that I’ve learned to see the world in a new light. During the breaks between chemotherapy sessions and unconsciousness, I came to realize something important: a person’s true value lies in their humanity and kindness.