Suicide notes. Натиг Расулзаде

exactly in the back pocket of my trousers. I remembered how in Baku, with Nagiyev just before my departure, we were trying out in my pocket some thingy very similar to this box. King Kong carefully watched as I put the box in my pocket and only when he was sure that I completed this operation successfully, handed me a train ticket. Go back; – not very politely said King Kong, without changing that vicious expression on his face with which he opened the door first time. Immediately, – he added with a tone not taking any objections. I of course had an immediate itching to tell him to sod off, but I couldn’t in any case spoil the game – Nagiyev strictly warned me about it knowing my quick – tempered nature. Otherwise I would give this strapping fellow a good hiding, I swear. I put the ticket in the pocket of my shirt trying with all my behaviour to show him that I didn’t give a damn about him but he didn’t really bother with me anymore. So I left the house and was going to phone Carina. I realized that it was still too early and went to have a little walk around the city. My call now would have surprised her; it had been little more than half an hour since we parted. But then I thought – let her be surprised, what else could I do here other than calling up Carina? I sat in a café for a while feeling how the metal box was digging into my bottom, and asked the waiter to bring me a two – kopeck coin. After having sat there for some time rolling the coin on the table I suddenly began getting very nervous and agitated. Calm down, calm down, I said to myself, what’s the matter? You can get all sorts of damn thoughts in your head, damn it! So I sat at the table rolling and tossing the coin in my hand with such deep and substantial thoughts in my head. No, really, I suddenly got terribly worried and the café was not so cosy anymore causing me feelings of great discomfort. I was right on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Damn it! I got up and left the café. A waiter ran after me and grabbed me by the hand. I pulled my hand out as if his disgusting touch burned it (I remember his hands were wet, he must’ve been washing something and didn’t have time to wipe’em dry) and wanted to kick him in the bollocks but then remembered that I had left without paying for coffee. I paid. Now he was trying to give me the change. Finally I managed to get rid of him and I went along the street. I felt that if she would refuse to see me right now – it’s over. So it seemed to me. No, at that moment I was actually convinced that many very important things in my life such as my future, my whole future, depended on her refusal or agreement. No more, no less. When I dialled her number in the phone booth my hand was shaking. The voice of an elderly female, definitely not hers, replied when I asked for Carina that I had got the wrong number and hung up. I also hung up and stepped out of the old – fashioned phone booth. That’s it, I though, she lied to me. She gave me the wrong number because she didn’t want me to call her. Refusing wouldn’t be polite so she gave me an odd number that came to her mind. But I know where she lives. I can go there. Why would she give me the wrong number, no, no, all her behaviour didn’t tally with such a low and cheap deceit, we almost became friends… Those were my thoughts while I was striding along the street up until the moment when I went to the newsagents to get some change and having acquired another two – kopeck coin rushed to call her again. She picked up the receiver, I recognized her voice at once, but just in case I asked in order to make sure. “Carina, – I said into the receiver, – I need to see you.” “Has anything happened?” she asked, and I to my immense joy spotted some notes of anxiety in her voice. “No, – I said, – nothing in particular yet, but it seems to me that if I don’t see you right now, something will definitely happen”. “Something bad or good?” – she asked. “Something terrible”. “To whom?”. “To me”. “Yes, the matter is of great importance, – she sighed, – I have to think about it. You have nowhere to go?” “No”. “And when are you leaving?” “Today”, – I said. “It’s strange how you travel, – she said, – you by any chance aren’t a spy of some foreign intelligence service?” “I’m that, – I said, – you’re right. I have to see you as soon as possible.” “I have to, I need to, – she mockingly grumbled, – why men are such pigs, don’t you know? – she kept silent and then added, – well, if you’re really leaving today…” “Really”, – I lied, getting into her pause, lied because I already knew: my departure depended on her, on how we got along together. “I wish you knew how tired I am”, – she said. “Where should I meet you?” – I asked. “Let me think, – she said, – one minute”. “One minute has passed”, – I said right away. “It will be better if you come round to my house, – she said, – do you remember the address?” “Do I remember the address? Do I remember the address?! – I exclaimed in an indignant voice. “I am smiling, – she said, – don’t think I didn’t understand. It’s just I’m too tired to laugh”. “Say – I am falling”, – I asked her. “I’m falling”, – she said. “I’ll be there in ten minutes”, – I said. “Are you nearby?” “Doesn’t matter, I’ll take a cab”, “Alright, – she said, – I’ll be downstairs in ten minutes”. She, of course got downstairs not in ten but in twenty seven minutes. I kept glancing at my watch and was getting annoyed a bit. I reminded her that she was late which she could easily have avoided because she only had to come down a flight of stairs, not such a long journey. “Don’t be a bore”, – she said. It seemed that some new game was beginning between us and in this game we behaved as if we had known each other for ages. Well, at least I quite liked this new direction in our relationship. Carina did look a little tired but that didn’t make her less attractive, on the contrary I wanted her so much now so when I asked her where she would like to go, I heard in reply that her mom was away now and it would be better if we went to her place and she would treat me with dinner, so when I heard all this, I got a bit scared. I got scared that if I was left alone with her now I would not be able to control myself and jump at her spoiling everything.