Selected drama. Second edition. Vitaliy Vladimirovich Voskoboinikov

from the roof and descending flops down onto my premises like anything! Despite the plight he’s quite safe, you see, and he shows me by signs he wants to go upstairs, to your balcony. Man! And I give him leg up! It’s due to the shock he can’t speak and he’s like that!

      (Mr. Burps sits on the sofa blabbing something as if trying to confirm Higgs’ words)

      Mrs. Scott: It may be a guttural spasm. Eugene, fetch him water.

      Eugene gives him a glass. Mr. Burps goes at it like mad but splashes over almost a glassful and goes on with his gibberish

      Elisa: What’s he saying?

      Mr. Burps: Boo-boo-boo! Foo-foo-foo! A-ma-ma-ta-ta-ha!

      Mrs. Scott: Alex, dear man, what’re you saying?

      Mr. Higgs: Let me help you. In fact, I’m doing a research in applied linguistics. And artificial languages, including sign languages, are my stuff.

      Mr. Burps: Ma-fa-ta. Boo-foo-woo-woo (invites Mr. Higgs to help him)

      Mr. Higgs: He says he’s tremendously sorry, Ma’am, for such visiting manner. He meant a surprise for you, but there’s been an accident.

      Mrs. Scott: Oh, Alex! What a surprise? Are you a madman to play with your life?

      Mr. Burps stands up producing from the bosom of his jacket a snip of flower intending to give it to Elisa.

      Elisa: Oh, no! Don’t you approach me! Mama!

      Eugene: Don’t! Don’t! D’you hear me? (intervening)

      Mr. Burps sits back still booing and waving the flower snip.

      Mr. Higgs: As I understand, Mr. Alexander gives warmest compliments to the young lady. Well, my duty’s done. I have to be going.

      Mrs. Scott: Please, stay a bit, Mr. Dog Whisperer. We need you.

      Mr. Higgs stays. The four sit on the sofa but Mr. Burps who starts walking around blabbing.

      Elisa: Mr. Higgs, what’s he saying now?

      Mr. Higgs: Sorry, Miss, but it seems to me he wants a pee…

      Mrs. Scott: A what?

      Mr. Higgs: A pee.

      Mr. Burps nods booing and gesticulating.

      Eugene: Disgrace! Unbearable! Elisa, send THIS packing! (meaning Mr. Burps)

      Elisa: How can I? It’s my Mom’s guest, a surprise, you see? (sniggers fatuously)

      Mr. Burps goes down on all fours and moves about dog-like jabbering.

      Mrs. Scott: What’s to be done? Mr. Higgs, could you send for a doctor?