Anstey F.

The Brass Bottle: A Farcical Fantastic Play in Four Acts


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been near us for weeks!

Sylvia

      [In an indignant undertone.] Father!

[Mrs. Futvoye sits down again.Pringle

      [To Sylvia, flattered.] Delighted to think I've been missed! But my apparent – er – neglect has been quite unavoidable.

Sylvia

      [Laughing.] So kind of you to relieve our minds, Mr. Pringle!

Pringle

      [Solemnly.] I assure you it's the fact. I've been away constantly for the last two months, superintending work I'm doing in various parts of the country. [With importance.] Hardly a moment to call my own!

[Sylvia turns with the intention of sitting down; he places a chair for her.Professor Futvoye

      [Taking chair behind table.] A busy man like you, my dear Pringle, has no need to make excuses.

Pringle

      [Fetching a chair for himself.] I really have been fearfully overworked. Not that I complain of that! [As he sits down between the Professor and Sylvia.] I'd no idea we should meet here, though. Is Ventimore a friend of yours?

Professor Futvoye

      Oh, we know him, yes. As you do, it seems.

Pringle

      I sublet a room in my offices to him. Rather a good arrangement for him, because he gets experience by looking after any little matters that I've no time to attend to.

Sylvia

      [With suppressed resentment.] And isn't that rather a good arrangement for you?

Pringle

      It works fairly well – as a rule. But when I returned from the country this afternoon I found he hadn't been near the office all day!

[He rises, takes Sylvia's parasol officiously, and places it in a corner, then returns.Professor Futvoye

      [To his wife, but speaking at Sylvia.] Not been near the office all day! I thought as much!

Sylvia

      The reason why he wasn't able to help you, Mr. Pringle, is because he's been at an auction, bidding for things on father's account.

Professor Futvoye

      I should have attended the sale myself but for an engagement to lecture at the Hieroglyphical on a recently inscribed cylinder.

Mrs. Futvoye

      And – you'll hardly believe it, Mr. Pringle, – but, the moment the lecture was over, he hurried us off here to find out what Mr. Ventimore had got for him! It's really too ridiculous! As if his study wasn't littered up quite enough already!

Professor Futvoye

      Women, my dear Pringle, can't understand the feelings of a collector. It's not every day, I can tell you, that a collection of such importance comes into the market.

Pringle

      I didn't know Ventimore was an expert in such things. I thought you could get brokers to bid for you.

Professor Futvoye

      Of course – of course. But I don't trust brokers – they know too much! And, as I gave Ventimore my own catalogue, with a tick against the lots I want and the limit I'm prepared to go, noted on the margin, he can't make any mistake.

Pringle

      I suppose not. That is, if he's accustomed to auctions.

Professor Futvoye

      What do you mean?

Pringle

      Only that if you aren't, there's always a liability to lose your head in the excitement, and go beyond the margin. But I daresay Ventimore wouldn't do that.

Professor Futvoye

      If he has! [He rises excitedly.] And he might – he might! With his recklessness about money, it's the very thing he would do! Letting me in for prices I can't afford! [Passionately.] No wonder he is in no hurry to show himself – no wonder!

Mrs. Futvoye

      [Rising and attempting to pacify him.] Now, Anthony, there's nothing to work yourself up into a state for, at present. Do for goodness' sake wait till you hear all about it!

Professor Futvoye

      [Resentfully.] It seems I shall have to wait, Sophia – but I'm tired of waiting here. [He goes to get his hat and stick.] And evidently he doesn't intend to —

[Turns, as the door opens and Horace Ventimore comes in briskly. Horace is a pleasant-looking young man, with a cheery and rather boyish manner; he comes down and greets the Futvoyes without seeing Pringle for the moment; Sylvia has risen, delighted at his arrival.Horace

      I say! This is jolly! [Shaking hands.] Wish I'd known you were coming on here after the lecture. [Pringle rises, and waits stiffly for recognition.] Warm work, wasn't it, Professor, lecturing on an afternoon like this? Do sit down. [Looks at table.] Haven't they given you any tea?

Professor Futvoye

      [Irritably.] No, no, no. We want no tea. It's too late for tea. We merely looked in on our way home to —

Horace

      [Sees Pringle.] And Pringle, too! [Pats him on shoulder.] How are you, old fellow? You been at the lecture, too?

Pringle

      [With implied rebuke.] No, I've only just come round – as you weren't at the office, – to —

Horace

      I've been engaged all day. Oh, by the bye, do you know Professor and Mrs. —

[Is about to introduce him.Pringle

      [Stiffly.] I am happy to say, my dear fellow, that I require no introduction. We are old friends.

Professor Futvoye

      [Impatiently.] To come to the point, Ventimore, as we are rather pressed for time – about the sale? How did you get on, eh?

Horace

      Oh, ah – the sale. [Producing catalogue from pocket.] Well, I did exactly as you told me.

Professor Futvoye

      [Snatching catalogue from him.] Yes, yes. Let's go through it lot by lot. Lot 23, now. Did you get that?

Horace

      No. Another fellow got that.

Professor Futvoye

      [Annoyed.] Tssch! Well, – so long as you secured Lot 35. [Reading from catalogue.] "Copper bowl, engraved round rim with verse from Hafiz," you know. Come, you didn't miss that?

[Sylvia is listening anxiously.Horace

      I did, though. It was snapped up by a sportsman in the very worst hat I ever saw in my life. He got it for sixteen guineas.

Professor Futvoye

      [Disgusted.] What? A rare example of early Persian work like that going for only sixteen guineas! I'd willingly have paid double the money!

Horace

      But your limit was seven pound ten, sir! And you warned me not to exceed it.

Professor Futvoye

      You should have used your own judgment, sir! Well, well, – which of the lots I marked did you get?

Horace

      [Going to Sylvia, who is sympathetically distressed.] Couldn't get one of 'em. They all fetched record prices.

Professor Futvoye

      [Violently.] Upon my soul!.. Pringle, you were right! I ought to have employed a broker! [To Horace.] So you've come back with absolutely nothing?

Horace

      Well, no. I did manage to get one thing.

Sylvia

      I knew you would!

Professor Futvoye

      [To Horace.] You did? But I understood you to say just now – !

Horace

      This was a little flutter on my own account. I thought I'd stick the sale out, do you see; and near the end there was an extra lot put up – it