Misrepresentative Men. Graham Harry

and up to date,

      This grand result is due to him;

      For while his country reaped the fruit,

      'Twas he alone could reach the Root.

      And spite of jeers that foes have hurled,

      No problems can his soul perplex;

      He lectures women of the world

      Upon the duties of their sex,

      And with unfailing courage thrusts

      His spoke within the wheels of trusts.

      No private ends has he to serve,

      No dirty linen needs to wash;

      A man of quite colossal nerve,

      Who lives sans peur et sans reproche;

      In modo suaviter maybe,

      But then how fortiter in re!

      A lion is his crest, you know,

      Columbia stooping to caress it,

      With vi et armis writ below,

      Nemo impune me lacessit;

      His motto, as you've read already,

      Semper paratus– always Teddy!

      Bacon

      IN far Elizabethan days

      (Ho! By my Halidome! Gadzooks!)

      Lord Bacon wrote his own essays,

      And lots of other people's books;

      Annexing as a pseudonym

      Each author's name that suited him.

      All notoriety he'd shirk,

      Nor sought for literary credit,

      Although the best of Shakespeare's work

      Was his. (For Mrs. Gallup said it,

      And she, poor lady, I suppose,

      Has read the whole of it, and knows.)

      Such was his kind, unselfish plan,

      That he allowed a rude, unshaven,

      Ill-educated actor man

      To style himself the Bard of Avon;

      Altho' 'twas he and not this fellow

      Who wrote "The Tempest" and "Othello."

      For right throughout his works there is

      A cipher hid, which makes it certain

      That all Pope's "Iliad" is his,

      And the "Anatomy" of Burton;

      There's not a volume you can name

      To which he has not laid a claim.

      He is responsible, I wot,

      For Euclid's lucid demonstrations,

      The early works of Walter Scott,

      And the Aurelian "Meditations";

      Also "The House with Seven Gables"

      And most of Æsop's (so-called) Fables.

      And once, when he annoyed the Queen,

      And wished to gain the royal pardon,

      He wrote his masterpiece; I mean

      That work about her German Garden;

      And published, just before his death,

      The "Visits of Elizabeth."

      Yet peradventure we are wrong,

      For just as probable the chance is

      That all these volumes may belong

      To someone else, and not to Francis.

      I think, – tho' I may be mistaken, —

      That Shakespeare wrote the works of Bacon.

MORAL

      If you approach the Mosque of Fame,

      And seek to climb its tallest steeple,

      Just lodge a literary claim

      Against the works of other people.

      And though the Press may not receive it,

      A few old ladies will believe it.